Garfunkel and Oates (29/31)
Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery
CONSIDER EXACTLY WHAT YOU MIGHT DO, IF YOU’RE UNDERGOING SURGERY, AND YA KINDA HALF WAKE-UP AND HEAR:
• Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy
• Someone call the janitor — we’re going to need a mop
• Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness
• Bo! Bo! Come back with that… Bad Dog!!!
• Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
• Hand me that… uh… that… uh… thingie
• Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
• Damn, there go the lights again…
• Ya know, damn good thing this guy’s got two kidneys
• Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!!!
• Could you stop that thing from bleeding so damn much. I can’t see a thing
• I just can’t seem to concentrate today
• What’s this doing way over here?
• Don’t ya just hate it when they’re missing stuff in here???
• Hey, that’s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?
• I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses
• Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us
• Sterile, schmerill. The floor’s clean, right?
• What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change?
• Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
• And now we remove the subject’s brain and place it in the body of the ape
• OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature
• This patient already had some kids, am I correct?
• Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
• Don’t worry. I think it’s sharp enough
• It’s gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
• FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out, quickly!
• Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot about little puppies.
– Gene Hill
In dog years I’m dead
Dogs feel strongly they should always go with you in the car, in case the need arises for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear
– Dave Barry
I wonder what goes through a dog’s mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl
– Penny Ward Moser
The dog’s kennel is not the place to keep a sausage
– Danish Proverb
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read
– Groucho Marx
As far as dogs are concerned, the scientific name for an animal that doesn’t either run from or fight its enemies is lunch
– Michael Friedman
To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs
– Aldous Huxley
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down
– Robert Benchley
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in… I think that is how dogs spend their lives
– Sue Murphy
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog
I loathe people who keep dogs — they are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves
– August Strindberg
No dog should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation
– Fran Lebowitz
Dogs must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth… we come back from the store with the most amazing haul- chicken, pork, half cow
– Anne Tyler
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult
– Rita Rudner
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can; that’s almost $7.00 in dog money
– Joe Weinstein
Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant
Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful
– Ann Landers
Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea
– Robert A. Heinlein
In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him
– Dereke Bruce
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face
– Ben Williams
When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem
– Edward Abbey
Cat’s Motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself
– Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person
– Andrew A. Rooney
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in
– Mark Twain
I care not for a man’s religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it
– Abraham Lincoln
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man
– Mark Twain
Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane
I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts
– John Steinbeck
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives
– Rita Rudner
What The Job Ad Says And What It Really Means
Work processing skills essential:
There’s a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future
Salary range $24,000- $32,000:
The salary is $24,000
This job was filled from the inside six months ago
Women and minorities encouraged:
White males need not waste the stamp to apply
Top-notch communications skills:
We’ll take the lowest bidder
Really a crappy job
No experience necessary:
The mother of all crap jobs
Crap job with a title.
Ground floor opportunity:
Crap job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year.
Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday.
Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities.
Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug & alcohol rehab benefit within the first year.
Professional appearance important:
$20K/yr job that requires a $100K/yr wardrobe
Pleasant telephone manner:
Be the voice of 1-900-HOT-TIME
Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions.
Prior conviction of a felony or two no problem.
B.A. required, master’s preferred:
Must be an M.A. willing to work on a B.A.’s salary
Outstanding benefits package:
Tons of variety!
We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do & rolled them into one job.
Beautiful offices in attractive location:
Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting.
Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management & wages of a migrant worker.
The most powerful position in the company
You’re looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until we force you into early retirement.
We’ll pay you whatever the hell we feel like.
We’ll pay you up to 10% more than your last job and not one penny more.
Competitive starting salary:
Ten cents above minimum wage.
A staff of pod people.
Zombie pod people.
Fun, creative atmosphere:
Pod people from hell.
Zombie pod people from hell.
Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it.
Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means.
The Computer Swallowed Grandma
The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true.
She pressed ‘control’ and ‘enter’
And disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I’ve searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I’ve even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found ‘online.’
So, if inside your ‘Inbox,’
My Grandma you should see,
Please ‘Copy’, ‘Scan’ and ‘Paste’ her
And send her back to me!
I am sending this as a tribute to all the Grandmas who have been fearless in learning to use the computer….
1. I love animals, they taste great.
2. EARTH FIRST! We’ll strip mine the other planets later.
3. “Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.”
4. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
5. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
6. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
7. He who laughs last thinks slowest!
8. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
9. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
10. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
11. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
12. I won’t rise to the occasion, but I’ll slide over to it.
13. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
14. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
15. I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
16. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
17. Okay, who put a “stop payment” on my reality check?
18. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
19. I.R.S.: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got!
20. You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
21. Don’t get me mad! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies!
22. You are depriving some poor village of its idiot!
23. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
24. It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
25. Don’t drink and drive…You might hit a bump and spill it.
Fun… Or Just Facts
1. Money isn’t made out of paper, it’s made out of cotton.
2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
3. The dot over the letter i is called a “tittle”
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
6. 40% of McDonald’s profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
7. 315 entries in Webster’s 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
8. The ‘spot’ on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily. (This is frightening).
10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
11. Chocolate affects a dog’s heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark’s stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
13. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.
15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
16. Upper and lower case letters are named ‘upper’ and ‘lower’ because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the ‘upper case’ letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, ‘lower case’ letters.
17. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time …hence, multi-tasking was invented.)
18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!
21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!
22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa’s lips.
23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Useful info).
24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original “Halloween” was a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)
26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can’t sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)
27. The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law,which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb (sign of a true civilized society … not.)
28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It’s the same with apples! (Guess what I’m buying on my next trip to the grocery store?)
30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.
Are You A Loser?
Madonna once sold doughnuts to make a living
James Earl Jones waxed floors
Jerry Seinfeld sold light bulbs over the phone
Jay Leno failed the employment test at Woolworth’s
JFK lost the election for Class President at Harvard
Source: The Road to Success is Paved with Failure
BUT…All that aside, you’re definitely a loser if:
• You’ve just made the Net’s list of Top 100 Nobodies
• You sell household goods for a living…your own!
• You take a test & discover you’re only suited to take tests
• You have bleeding ulcers, but are not a success
• A streetwalker you paid for tells you “Not on the first date!”
• Your “Ship” has finally come in…but the pier collapsed
• You’re as neglected as Whistler’s Father
• Everyone has a good word for you, but they whisper it
• Your wallet is always full of bills…unpaid ones
• You talk to yourself just to get in the last word
• Your wife is a chip off the old glacier
• In the hospital you receive “Get Well” cards…from the Nurses
• Your shrink says you have an “Infuriating Complex”
• Everything hurts before you get out of bed in the morning
• Your daughter wears less on a date than your wife does to bed
• Your “Soft Heart” has gone to your head
• You invested in the sleeping pill concession at Las Vegas
• You put so many “Irons in the fire”, the fire went out
• Your spouse runs the gamut of emotions: “NO!” to “NO WAY!”
• You look like a million…every damn year of it
• You have a “Roman Nose”…it roams all over your face
• You have wavy hair…It’s waving “Good-bye
Eleven Things Kids Aren’t Learning In School!
Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1: Life is not fair – get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So, before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.
If you can read this – Thank a teacher!
I intend to open this country up to democracy, and anyone who is against that, I will jail.
- General Joao Baptista Figueiredo, president – Brazil, 1979
Ball handling and dribbling are my strongest weaknesses.
- David Thompson, Denver Nuggets player
I’m not a snob. Ask anybody. Well, anybody who matters.
- rock star Simon LeBon of Duran Duran
Send all the details. Never mind the facts.
- telegram from the editor of the old New York World to his Washington correspondent
That is true — but not absolutely true.
- Montreal mayor Jean Drapeau
I have not reneged on my promise. I have changed my mind.
- New York gubernatorial candidate Pierre Rinfret
We are launching this innovation for the first time.
- New York City Mayor Jimmy Walker
It’s not a matter of life and death. It’s more important than that.
- Lou Duva, on the upcoming fight of his protégé against boxer Mike Tyson
If you have intercourse you run the risk of dying and the ramifications of death are final.
- singer Cyndi Lauper, during an MTV interview
That picture was taken out of context.
- Jeff Innis, NY Mets pitcher, on a bad picture taken of him
I don’t like to look back in retrospect.
- Vince Ferragamo, Los Angeles Rams quarterback
Then you add two forkfuls of cooking oil…
- directions given on television’s “The French Chef”
Gentlemen, I have nothing to say. Any questions?
- hockey player Phil Watson to reporters
And Helena got six inches during the night… Helena, Montana, that is!
- weatherperson on KHAR-TV, Alaska
Depositing the room key into another person is prohibited.
- sign displayed in a Japanese Hotel
I have lied in good faith.
- Bernard Tapie, French politician
The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies.
Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated.
- instructions posted in a river cruise ship; Suir River, Ireland
I feel like the oldest ovary-producing person in America.
- actress Susan Sarandon, mother of three children
You always write it’s bombing, bombing, bombing. It’s not bombing, it’s air support.
- U.S. Air Force Colonel David Opfer, air attaché in Cambodia
You can’t just let nature run wild.
- Wally Hickel, former governor of Alaska
Have we gone beyond the bounds of reasonable dishonesty?
- CIA memo, introduced during the Westmoreland/CBS libel suit
I really didn’t say everything I said.
- Yogi Berra
Now ride off in all directions.
- Michael Curtiz, directing actor Gary Cooper on a horse
I am providing you with a copulation of answers to several questions raised.
- letter from Marion Barry Jr., mayor of Washington, D.C.
Last night I neglected to mention something that bears repeating.
- Ron Fairly, San Francisco Giants broadcaster
Lillian’s greatest strength is her strength.
- David Coleman, BBC sportscaster
Ladies and gentleman, and now Mr. Eddie Playbody will pee for you.
- announcer, introducing banjoist Eddie Peabody
I was not aware that making up a story and lying to the police is against the law.
- Goran Rasmussen, Swedish tourist in Thailand
Time to lie on the beach…Yeah, I never tell the truth anywhere.
When repairmen say they’ll “Come sometime next week,” I usually say, “Fine, I’ll pay you sometime next year.”
I’m a pretty patient person…Just as long as I’m not kept waiting for anything.
I use my cookbook often…to throw at people who suggest I cook.
Remember the “Twilight Zone” episode where a man went all day without saying anything stupid? That’ll never happen in real life.
It’s National Chili Week…Which makes next week National Stay Indoors Week.
I learned something important about burning leaves…Wait until they fall off the trees.
With each passing week, the days are getting a little bit shorter…Kind of like me.
Here’s a spooky Halloween mystery…How do they fit so many calories into those mini candy bars?
Sadie Hawkins Day is when women hit on men…If noogies count, I hit on ‘em every day.
I’m thinking of renewing my vow…to never get married again.
Breaking up is hard to do…Unless you’re mad and there’s a vase nearby.
I wish those long-distance phone companies would offer a special low rate on those calls to relatives that rattle on and on about nothing.
Got the all-animal channel and the all-history channel, but I’m still waiting for the all-whining channel.