The Driving Instructor – Dean Martin & Bob Newhart
10 Things Never To Say To A Working Mom
1. It must be hard missing all those special moments every day.
2. I suppose it’s smart that you’re working. You know, in case your husband leaves you some day.
3. I’m surprised you went back to work. Your husband seems so successful.
4. It’s cute when they call your nanny “Mama.”
5. I just love my kids too much to leave them during the day.
6. Did you see Dateline? The one with the hidden camera in the day care?
7. I could never let someone else raise my children. But that’s just me!
8. I hated my mom because she was never home after school like everyone else’s mom.
9. You must feel so guilty.
10. I wish I were as laid-back as you and could just let the housework go.
A Matter of Semantics
A man walked into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, “Yes sir, may we help you?”
“There’s something wrong with my dick,” he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say things like that.”
“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you.” he said.
“We do not use language like that here,” she said. “Please go outside and come back in and say that there’s something wrong with your ‘ear’ or whatever.”
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”
“There’s something wrong with my ‘ear’,” he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. “And what is wrong with your ear, sir?”
“I can’t piss out of it.” the man replied.
Murphy’s Laws On War
1. Equipment that must work together, can’t be carried together to the battle.
2. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
3. Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
4. Anything you do…..can get you killed, including nothing.
5. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won’t be able to get out.
6. Try to look unimportant, the enemy may not want to waste a bullet on you.
7. Tracer bullets work both ways.
8. If you can see the enemy with binoculars, they can see you with binoculars.
9. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
10. When both sides are convinced they’re about to lose, they’re both right.
11. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
12. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
13. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
14. Your new boots will always be…..’On Order’.
15. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
16. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie, never stay awake when you can sleep.
17. Your first meal of the day may also be your last.
18. If you have a personality conflict with your superior: He has the personality, you have the conflict.
19. Don’t be the first, don’t be the last, and don’t volunteer for anything.
20. The worse the weather, the more you are out in it.
21. The weather is biased.
22. If only one solution can be found then it is usually stupid.
23. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won’t walk into it.
24. There is always a way, and it usually doesn’t work.
Is Her Father A Lawyer Or A Banker
Bill and his fiancée Mary met with the to discuss their marriage vows.
“Pastor,” said Mary, “I wonder if we could make a change in the wording of our ceremony.”
“Yes, Mary,” replied the pastor, “it is sometimes done. What do you have in mind?”
“Well,” said Mary, “I’d like to alter the ‘until death do us part’ section to read, ‘Substantial penalty for early withdrawal.’”
Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Buy Someone’s Used Sofa
If The Owner Says:
1. “That stain was the best fifty bucks I ever made.”
2. “Have you had your shots?”
3. “If you find any fingers in there, pack ‘em in ice and give us a call.”
4. “It’s almost dry, but you may need to wring the cushions out.”
5. “It was a present to my Great Aunt Erma after her bladder surgery.”
6. “It fell off a truck. At least, I figure it did, since we found it by the highway.”
7. “You can have those Fritos.”
8. “I once spent ten days tied to this couch.”
9. “It’s non-flammable, unless you really try.”
10. “It should be clean, we hosed it off.”
11. “Watch that spring, it gave me some nasty scars.”
12. “It can even float for nearly an hour.”
13. “You like the smell of beer, don’t you?”
14. “It’s not supposed to fold out, but it will if you push hard enough.”
15. “I guess olive and orange were popular colors back then.”
16. “It used to be a lot longer.”
17. “You’ll need the brick to keep it level, unless you’ve got a saw.”
18. “The Salvation Army and GoodWill wouldn’t take it.”
19. “Don’t smoke near it.”
20. “You can hardly tell where they hurled.”
21. “The fire hardly touched this side.”
22. “It only smells this way when it’s humid.”
Maybe You Could Go be Their Mom
I’d had a pretty hectic day with my four-year-old. When bedtime finally came, I laid down the law: “We’re putting on your p.j.s, brushing your teeth, and reading ONE book. Then it’s lights out!”
Her arms went around my neck in a gentle embrace, and she said, “We learned in school about little boys and girls who don’t have mommies and daddies.”
Even after I’d been such a grouch, I thought, she was still grateful to have me. I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes, and then she whispered, “Maybe you could go be THEIR mom?”
Top 25 Country Songs
1. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause I’m Kissing You Good-bye
2. I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
3. If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
4. I Sold A Car To A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don’t Run So We’re Even
5. Mama Get A Hammer (There’s A Fly On Daddy’s Head)
6. If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me
7. She’s Actin’ Single And I’m Drinkin’ Doubles
8. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go away
9. I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You
10. I Liked You Better Before I knew You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better
12. I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win
13. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight
14. I’m So Miserable Without You; It’s Like Having You Here
15. I’ve Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back Cryin’ Over You
16. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now
17. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love You
18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
19. Please Bypass My Heart
20. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
21. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
22. You’re the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
23. Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
24. She’s Looking Better After Every Beer
25. I Ain’t Never Gone To Bed With An Ugly Woman, But I Sure Woke Up With a Few
A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read “Unique Breakfast” so he walked in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.
“What’s your Unique Breakfast?” he asked inquisitively.
“Baked tongue of chicken!” she proudly replied.
“Baked tongue of chicken?…baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken’s mouth!” he fumed.
Undaunted, the waitress asked, “What would you like then?”
“Just bring me some scrambled eggs,” the man replied.
Work Excuse Translator
|I can’t come in today, sick||I can’t come in today, I’m hungover|
|Traffic is insane||I’m about to leave home|
|There was a death in the family||Have I used this excuse already?|
|Sorry, I was muted||Sorry, I wasn’t listening|
|I emailed you but it bounced back to me||I was supposed to email you?|
|I can’t, I’m having crazy diarrhea||I can’t, I’m having crazy diarrhea|
|I have to go pick up my kid||Having kids finally paid off!|
|I am totally swamped right now||Even the smallest task paralyzes me into|
|My basement flooded||I would like to stay home binge TV|
What Did He Say?
This is a telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room service at a hotel in Asia. It was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:
Room Service: “Morny. Ruin sorbees.”
Guest: “Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.”
RS: “Rye. Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??”
Guest: “Uh..yes..I’d like some bacon and eggs.”
RS: “Ow July den?”
RS: “Ow July den – fry, boy, pooch?”
G: “Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled, please.”
RS: “Ow July dee bayhcem – crease?”
G: “Crisp will be fine”
RS: “Hokay. An San tos?”
RS: “San tos. July San tos?”
G: “I don’t think so”
RS: “No? Judo one toes??”
G: “I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what ‘judo one toes’ means.”
RS: “Toes! toes!..Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?”
G: “English muffin!! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘Toast.’ Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.”
RS: “We bother?”
G: “No..just put the bother on the side.”
G: “I mean butter – just put it on the side.”
G: “Yes. Coffee please, and that’s all.”
RS: “One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy….rye??”
G: “Whatever you say.”
G: “You’re welcome”
Have a good day