Amish Paradise By “Weird” Al Yankovic
MOTEL 6: We’ll leave the lights on for you, but there’s not much that we can do about the smell.”
Carnival Cruise: OH COME ON. What are the chances something will happen this time?
DASANI: Italian for ‘Coke just sold you water.’
Applebee’s: For when you’re too lazy to prepare your own frozen food.
UNITED AIRLINES: You’ll wish you would have walked.
DENNY’S: Because its 2 am, you’re drunk, and you need pancakes.
COMCAST: Because you have no other choice.
1-800-Flowers: The cheapest way to say you remembered your anniversary an hour ago.
LEXUS: A Toyota that will get you laid.
Chap Stick: You’ll misplace it before the tube’s empty.
Linked in: Connect with people for no reason at all.
Ticketmaster: Yeah…we’re going to charge you whatever we want.
VICTORIA’S SECRET: Lowering a woman’s self-esteem since 1977
Hi, welcome to Chuck E. Cheese. Everything is visibly dirty, and our mascot is a rat, eat some pizza near a sneezing child.
Chuck E. Cheese: Come on down for some rat pizza at our child casino.
Finally, A Realistic Fairy Tale
An elderly lady was somewhat lonely and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop, she went. She searched, and nothing seemed to catch her interest except this one ugly frog.
As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, “I’m lonely too, buy me and you won’t be sorry.”
The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn’t found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car.
Driving down the road, the frog whispered to her, “Kiss me, you won’t be sorry.” So, the old lady figured what the heck and kissed the frog. Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?
The first motel she could find…She’s old, not dead!
Strange Stuff To Say
• Is a heart attack the same as an attack of the heart?
• We place too much emphasis on the early bird‘s good luck and not enough on the early worm’s bad luck.
• I sold my vacuum cleaner because all it was doing was gathering dust.
• I don’t really need a hairstylist since my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
• I tried rearranging the alphabet, but for some reason, the letters U and I would never separate.
• Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.
• If you think no one cares whether you’re alive or dead, just skip a handful of credit card payments.
• Why aren’t coffees served on a coffee table?
• I would really like to help you out today. Which way did you come in?
• I have clean conscience. I haven’t used it once,
• Whiteboards really are remarkable.
• Whoever said you can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop!
• When you go to a public bathroom, put chocolate on your hands, reach under the stall and ask for a toilet paper.
• Answers are what we have to solve other people’s problems.
• Can cars stop at a bus stop?
• If you really want to look young and thin then you should hang out around fat old people.
• A balanced diet simply means a having cupcake in each hand.
• Try ordering a pizza 15 minutes before New Year, and when it arrives, yell, “You’re late! I ordered this a year ago!”
• I don’t understand how people can be so open-minded. Whenever I try, my brain keeps falling out.
• The only thing I get out of Algebra is when I look at X and wonder Y.
• How can you scoot along if you don’t have a scooter?
• I’ll have a bloody mary because they say it helps cure hangovers.
• It’s difficult to do nothing because you never know when you’re done.
• Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s exactly what you are looking for, go live with a car battery.
• Just take my advice because I’m not going to use it.
• Dogs can’t see inside your body, but CAT scan.
I’m Guessing They Taste Like Chicken
I was driving along a country road when a 3-legged chicken ran under my car. I got out, looked at the dead chicken then looked around, saw a farmhouse on the hill and walked up to it
Saw the farmer and said, I just ran over a 3-legged chicken
I know said the farmer, I breed them
I asked why?
Well I like a leg, the missus likes a leg and the boy likes a leg.
I said that’s fantastic, what do they taste like?
Dunno said the farmer, can’t catch the little bastards
Things I’m Super Good At
1. Forgetting someone’s name 30 seconds after they tell me.
2. Running. Late, that is.
3. Making plans…then regretting making plans.
4. Thinking of a great comeback – an hour later.
5. Digging through the trash for the food box I just tossed, because I already forgot the directions.
6. Adding items to online carts. Then deleting.
7. Googling my ailments. Then panicking.
8. Leaving laundry to wrinkle in the dryer.
9. Forgetting why I walked into the room.
10. Calculating how much sleep I’ll get if I can just “fall asleep right now”.
l’d Be More Impressed Than Mad
My youngest hacked our Netflix parental code. She put light grease on the remote and got me to input the code when she wasn’t looking. Then she noted the numbers I’d pressed and went through the combinations later. I’m both frightened and impressed.
Too Good Not To Share
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
10. If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
Il. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
19. Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. we call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
Remember It’s Walmart
So, I am at Walmart scanning and bagging my almost $300 worth of groceries while the employee “monitors” and then this happened.
Her – You are wasting our bags!
Me – If you don’t like the way I’m bagging the groceries, feel free to come on over here and bag them yourself.
Her – That’s not my job!
Me – Okay, then I will bag my groceries how I please if that’s all right with you.
Her – Why are you using two bags?!
Me – Because the bags are weak, and I don’t want the handles to break or the bottoms to rip out.
Her – Well that’s because you are putting too much stuff in the bag. If you took half of that stuff out and put it in a different bag, then you wouldn’t need to double bag.
*10 seconds of me just staring at her.
Me – So you want me to split these items in half and put half of them in a different bag so that I don’t have to double bag.
Her – Exactly.
Me – So I would still be using two bags to hold the same number of items.
Her – No because you wouldn’t be double bagging.
*Me pressing two fingers to my left eye in an attempt to make it stop twitching.
Me – Okay so here I have a jug of milk and a bottle of juice double bagged. If I take the milk out and remove the double bagging and just put the milk in the single bag and the juice in that single bag I’m still using two bags for these two items.
Her- No because you are not double bagging them so it’s not the same number of bags.
*Me looking around at about 10 other customers who at this point are enjoying the show.
Me- Is this like that Common Core math stuff I keep hearing about?
Her- Never mind you just don’t get it.
And with that, she went back to her little Podium so she could continue texting or playing games on her phone or whatever it was she was doing before she decided to come over and critique my bagging skills.
Yet More Bumper Stickers
1. According to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist.
2. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
3. Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
4. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
5. Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
6. How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
7. Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
8. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
9. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
10. Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
11. Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
12. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
13. Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
14. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16. i souport publik edekashun.
17. Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
18. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…
19. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
20. Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?
21. Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
22. Keep honking…I’m reloading.
23. Caution: I drive like you do.
Something You Shouldn’t Worry About
Passengers traveling first class on British Airways Boeing 747s are worried about a re-design which means some lavatories have windows.
A woman traveling to New York complained there were no blinds.
She was told by a stewardess, ‘Madam, if some pervert is clinging to the side of this aircraft at 35,000 feet they deserve to see everything.’