Jokes – Politics

Definition Of Politics
“Politics, n: Poly “many” + tics “blood-sucking parasites””

Cows And Politics
Do you have two cows?

You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair “Cowgate”.

You have two cows. You feed them sheeps’ brains and they go mad. The government doesn’t do anything.

You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

You are associated with (the concept of “ownership” is a symbol of the phallo – centric, war – mongering, intolerant past) two differently – aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non – specified gender.

Wow, dude, there’s like… these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them world wide.

You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

You have two cows. Both are mad.

You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the journalist who reported the numbers.

You have two cows. You worship them.

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Will Rogers
Probably the greatest political sage this country ever has known.
There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate; now what’s going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House?

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that’s out always looks the best.

On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.

The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, “How’s the President?”

Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing — and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

About all I can say for the United States Senate is that it opens with a prayer and closes with an investigation.

Our Constitution protects aliens, drunks, and U.S. Senators.

Anything important is never left to the vote of the people. We only get to vote on some man; we never get to vote on what he is to do.

I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him “father.”

There ought to be one day—just one—when there is open season on senators.

The country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of Congress.

If you ever injected truth into politics you’d have no politics.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
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Dear Special Interest,
Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government Official (TM). With regular maintenance your Government Official (TM) should provide you with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential legislation and other fine services. Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out this customer service card. This information will not be sold to any other party, and will be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling your future needs in political influence.

1. Which of our fine products did you buy?
* __ President
* __ Vice-President
* __ Senator
* __ Congressman
* __ Governor
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* __ Procured for
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* __ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories (on Internet)
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Thank you for your valuable time. Always remember: in choosing a Government Official (TM) you have chosen the best politician money can buy.
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Lessons In Sex And Politics
A son asks his father, “What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow.” The father thought some and said, “OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let’s say that I’m a capitalist because I’m the breadwinner. Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?” The little boy said, “Well, Dad, I don’t know, but I’ll think about what you said.”

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother’s crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent’s bedroom and found his father’s side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn’t wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, “Dad, I think I understand politics much better now.” “Excellent, my boy,” he answered, “What have you learned?” The little boy thought for a minute and said, “I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future’s full of crap.”
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Libertarians & Anarchists
What’s the difference between Anarchists and Libertarians??
1. Libertarians are anarchists with money.
2. Anarchists believe property is theft. Libertarians believe everything is property.
3. Libertarians are bosses; anarchists work for them when they run out of other options.
4. Libertarians buy more guns, but anarchists use more ammo.
5. Libertarians ride in stretch limos; anarchists throw bricks through their windshields.
6. Libertarians go shopping; anarchists go shoplifting.
7. Libertarians go to the police after they’ve been mugged; anarchists get mugged by the police.
8. A libertarian wants to marry another libertarian, but only after sleeping with enough anarchists.
9. Anarchists ignore the IRS; Libertarians hire accountants and attorneys to fight them.
10. Libertarians think the government is trying steal the property they rightfully own; anarchists think the government is trying to defend property that nobody rightfully owns.
11. Libertarians are organized in a political party; anarchists aren’t organized in anything.
12. Anarchists ignore elections; Libertarians run for office, vote, and lose.
13. Libertarians think anarchists are naive and unrealistic; anarchists don’t care what libertarians think.
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Major Auction Benefit in Washington
Christie’s and Sotheby’s just announced their joint sponsorship of a new and important auction to take place in the US Senate Congress on Memorial Day, in which ALL US SENATORS WILL BE AUCTIONED OFF to the highest bidder to further public transparency of Senatorial allegiances, following the outcry caused by the recent Senate rejection of every single gun control measure before it.

The audience is expected to include several thousand lobbyists representing the oil, gas and coal sectors, insurance, healthcare providers, gun manufacturers, large farmers, weapons industries, banks and other G Street occupiers. Bidders will be allowed to form “syndicates”, similar to those made famous by the Maffia, which will enable them to purchase “portions” of each Senator, representing their particular interests. The successful bidders will place their winning bid into a “Senatorial Trust(sic)Fund”, to be used for reelection by the designated recipient.

This scheme was resoundingly endorsed by the Senate by a vote of 98 to 2 against (Rand Paul and Ted Cruz, who threatened to filibuster the auction).
Critics are saying this new initiative is nothing but a Ponzi scheme since it is well known that every single US politician is already sold out many times over.
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Things To Do While You Wait In Line to Vote
1. Catch up on Facebook statuses to make sure you’re informed.

2. Turn to the guy behind you and say, “Can you save my spot, I have to pee?” and then don’t go anywhere. After a minute, turn and say thank you.

3. Throw someone off the line and then look at everyone and say “no ticket.”

4. Constantly ask when they’re serving pizza.

5. Tell the person who checks you in that you’re voting based on number of erections you got in the last hour. Romney gets evens, Obama gets odds. When they give a puzzled look, get offended and ask “Why? How do YOU vote?”

6. Breathe heavily on the person in front of you and say “Fuckin’ Romney, right?”

7. When people complain that the line is taking forever, exclaim, “I KNOW. And I’m not even registered to vote.”

8. Complain you still haven’t received your free “I Voted” tote bag and if that if you knew they weren’t giving them out, you wouldn’t have showed.

9. Ask the volunteers who check you in if they “like to party” and then wink and gesture toward the voting booth.

10. Bring your ice cream maker, find a spot on the ground and start churning out fresh ice cream. When you finally have enough for everyone, scream “It’s still not perfect” and throw it all in the garbage.

11. Ask the person in front of you who they’re voting for and regardless of what they say, furrow your brow and reply “interesting” and then leave.
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Thoughts For Today On Politics
The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~ Henry Cate, VII

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~ Aesop

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance speeches there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven. ~ Will Rogers

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. ~ Plato

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~ Nikita Khrushchev

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it. ~ Clarence Darrow

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~ Author Unknown

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~ Jay Leno

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~ John Quinton

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~ Oscar Ameringer

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work and then they get elected and prove it. ~ P.J. O’Rourke

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~ Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~ Texas Guinan

Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so. ~ Gore Vidal

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~ Charles de Gaulle

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~ Doug Larson

Don’t vote, it only encourages them. ~ Author Unknown

There ought to be one day – just one – when there is open season on senators. ~ Will Rogers
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The Travel Agent
For thirty Years I have been a Travel Agent, serving our legislators and their staffs. This is how I know we’re in trouble!
I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat on the plane, so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.

I got a call from a candidate’s staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information. Then she interrupted me with, “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.” Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, “Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.” Her response .(click).

A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don’t lie to me, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state.”

I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No.” She said, “But they look so close on the map.”

An aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time.”

An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a.m. and got into Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A New York lawmaker called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?” I said, ” No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said ‘FAT’ and I’m overweight. I think that is very rude.” After putting her on hold for a minute while I ‘looked into it’ (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

A Senator’s aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.”

A lady Senator called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?” I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever!”

A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. “Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.”

A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, “I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.” The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” “Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Rhino anywhere.” The lady retorted, “Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map.” The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?” “That’s it! I knew it was a big animal,” she said.

Now you know why Government is in the shape that it’s in.
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Top “Arguments” Against Gay Marriage
Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. That’s why infertile couples and old people can’t legally get married.

Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

Straight marriage, such as Britney Spears’ 55-hour, just-for-fun marriage, will be less meaningful.

Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; for example, women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

Gay marriage should be decided by people, not the courts, because majority-elected legislatures, and not courts, have historically done such a swell job of protecting the rights of minorities in the past.

Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.

Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why single parents are forbidden to raise children.

Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven’t adapted to cars or longer life spans.

Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name, are preferable, because separate-but-equal institutions are constitutional.
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You Might Be A Republican If...
• You’ve tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
• You’ve ever referred to someone as “my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend.”
• You’re a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
• You’ve ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
• You’ve ever uttered the phrase, “Why don’t we just bomb the sons of bitches.”
• You’ve ever called a secretary or waitress “Honey.”
• You don’t think “The Simpsons” is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
• You don’t let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of “sexual deviance.”
• You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit…
• You scream “Dit-dit-ditto” while making love.
• You’ve argued that art has a “moral foundation set in Western values.”
• You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
• You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.
• Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
• You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.
• You’ve ever said, “Clean air? Looks clean to me.”
• You’ve ever referred to Anita Hill as a “lying bitch” while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.
• You spent MLK Day reading “The Bell Curve.”
• You’ve ever called education a luxury.
• You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
• You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
• You own a vehicle with an “Ollie North: American Hero” sticker.
• You’re afraid of the “liberal media.”
• You ever based an argument on the phrase, “Well, tradition dictates….”
• You’ve ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.
• You think all artists are gay.
• You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch “lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn’t want to contribute to society.”
• You’ve ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don’t even have shoes
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Nonpartisan Humor
We hang petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
~Plato, ancient Greek philosopher

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician

When I was a boy, I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.
~Quoted in ‘Clarence Darrow for the Defense’ by Irving Stone.

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton, American actor/writer

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer, “the Mark Twain of American Socialism.”

I offered my opponents a deal: “If they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them”.
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~Texas Guinan, 19th century American businessman

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924 Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981)

What happens if a politician drowns in a river?
That is pollution.
What happens if all of them drown?
That is a solution!
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West Wing Quotes
The president we wish we had
Governor Bartlet: “Let me put it this way, I voted against the bill because I didn’t want to make it harder for people to buy milk. I stopped some money from flowing into your pocket. If that angers you, if you resent me, I completely respect that. But if you expect anything different from the president of the United States, you should vote for someone else.”

Margaret: I can sign the President’s name. I have his signature down pretty good.
Leo: You can sign the President’s name?
Margaret: Yeah.
Leo: On a document removing him from power and handing it to someone else?
Margaret: Yeah! Or… do you think the White House Counsel would say that was a bad idea?
Leo: I think the White House Counsel would say it was a coup d’etat!
Margaret: Well. I’d probably end up doing some time for that.
Leo: I would think… And what the hell were you doing practicing the President’s signature?
Margaret: It was just for fun.
Leo: We’ve got separation of powers, checks and balances, and Margaret vetoeing things and sending them back to the Hill.

Bartlet: Willey’s going to drop out after South Carolina?
Leo: If he doesn’t finish higher than third.
Bartlet: Are we going to get his endorsement?
Leo: We’re going to get his money, that’s for sure.
Bartlet: It’s for sure?
Leo: Josh thinks it is.
Bartlet: Which one is Josh.
Josh: I am.
Bartlet: Okay.

Josh: Well, I feel bathed in the warm embrace of the candidate.
Leo: He’s very easy to like, once you get to know him.
Josh: How many people get that far?
Leo: Not that many.
Josh: Okay.

Josh: Hi.
Donna: Hi.
Josh: Who are you?
Donna: I’m Donna Moss, who are you?
Josh: I’m Josh Lyman.
Donna: Ah.
Josh: Yes.
Donna: I’m your new assistant.
Josh: Did I have an old assistant?
Donna: Maybe not.
Josh: Who are you?
Donna: I’m Donna Moss, I came here to volunteer and the woman assigned me to you.
Josh: Which woman?
Donna: Becky.
Josh: You mean Margaret?
Donna: Yes.
Josh: Who are you?
Donna: I’m Donna Moss, I’ll be working as your assistant.
Josh: I’m going to talk to Margaret.

Abby: You can say it, you know. It’s not like I haven’t heard it before.
Josh: Your husband’s a real son of a bitch, Mrs. Bartlet.
Abby: He doesn’t like being handled.

Josh: Governor, you should really get back to the ballroom, so that you can get on a plane and get to California.
Bartlet: He (Josh’s late father) was a lawyer?
Josh: Yeah, a litigator.
Bartlet: Did he like that you were in politics?
Josh: I think he would have liked grandchildren more.

Bartlet: I’ve been a real jackass to you, Josh.
Josh: Well.
Bartlet: To everybody. Toby Ziegler, CJ Cregg, Sam Seaborn.
Josh: Yeah.
Bartlet: Don’t think I don’t know what you gave up to work on this campaign, and don’t think that I don’t know your value. And I’ll never make you think I don’t again… You gotta be a little impressed that I got all those names right just now.

TV Moderator: “Ainsley Hayes, is that true?”
Ainsley: “No, it’s not.”
TV Moderator: “Is Sam Seaborn lying?”
Ainsley: “Lying’s an awfully strong word… yes, he’s lying. And we should tell the truth about education. The bill contained plenty of money for new textbooks – also, computer literacy, school safety, physical plant. The difference is we wanted to give the money directly to communities, and let them decide how best to spend it… on the off chance that the needs of Lincoln High in Dayton are different than the needs of Crenshaw High in South Central L.A.”

Ainsley: “The bill contained plenty of money for textbooks, Mark, and anyone who says otherwise is flat-out lying. And we should tell the truth about this… textbooks are important, if for no other reason than they accurately place the town of Kirkwood in California and not in Oregon.”

Sam (during break): “Please oh please, let them not be watching.”

Josh: “Toby, come quick – Sam’s getting his ass kicked by a girl!”
Toby: “Ginger, get the popcorn…”

Ainsley: “Mr. McGarry, I loathe almost everything you believe in… I’m standing up which is how one speaks in opposition in a civilized world… I find this administration smug and patronizing and under the impression that those who disagree with them are less than they are and with colder hearts.”

Ainsley: “This White House that feels that government is better for children than parents are. That looks at 40 years of degrading and humiliating free lunches handed out in a spectacularly failed effort to level the playing field and says lets try 40 more. This White House that says of anyone that points that out to them that they are cold and mean and racists and then accuses the Republicans of using the politics of fear. This White House that loves the Bill of Rights, all of them, except the second one.”

Ainsley: “You don’t like people who do like guns. You don’t like the people. Think about that the next time you make a joke about the South.”

Leo: “CJ Cregg thinks you kill your pets. You don’t do that do you?”
AInsley: “No, I don’t kill my pets, I don’t have any pets. I was thinking about getting a pet, but that doesn’t matter…”

Leo: “Ainsley, don’t you want to work in the White House?”
Ainsley: “Oh, only since I was two.”
Leo: “Okay then.”
Ainsley: “It has to be *this* White House?”

Leo: You’re going to meet him (Tribbey) right now. It’s going to be fine…
Ainsley: It’s not going to be fine. He’s gonna yell, and scream, I’ve seen him on TV…..

Bartlet: Well, obviously, Lionel Tribbey is a brilliant lawyer whom we cannot live without, or there would be very little reason not to put him in prison.

Ainsley (on Tribbey): I’m a Republican and he’s *incredibly* not.

Ainsley: You’re sending me to the hill because I speak Republican?

Tribbey: These people here are trying to do something. I’ll have their backs while they’re trying. What are *you* doing here?
Ainsley: Serving my country.
Tribbey: Why not join the navy?
Ainsley: I was asked to do this.
Tribbey: And you said yes.
Ainsley: Yes.
Tribbey: Why?
Ainsley: I feel a sense of duty.

Tribbey: What, did you just walk out of ‘The Pirates of Penzance’?

Ainsley: Hello… ???
Sam, Josh, CJ, Toby (sung):
“He is an Englishman! He is an Englishman.
For he himself has said it, And it’s greatly to his credit”

“But, in spite of all temptation to belong to other nations, He remains an Englishman.”

Donna: You guys are on the wrong side of this.
Josh: Aren’t you one of “you guys?”
Donna: Not on this.

Bartlet: Charlie!
Charlie: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: Can I have a couple of aspirin or a weapon of some kind to kill people with.

Josh: …and Republicans find the word “ergonomic” to be silly.

Josh: I need Vasily Konanov to meet with someone of absolutely not consequence. You’re my girl.

Donna: My value here is that I have no value.
Josh: You have enormous value to me, you have no value to Eastern Europe.

Josh: Oh, how I miss the Cold War.

Ainsley: Sam!
Sam: Could somebody get her a cupcake or something?


Bartlet: The Assistant Energy Secretary is flying to Portland in the middle of the night so he can meet with me on Air Force One on the way back?
Charlie: Yes sir.
Bartlet: The day-to-day experience of my life has changed in many ways since taking this job.

Danny: Are you being punished?
CJ: I’m not being punished, I’m going on the trip.
Danny: If the whole bus goes off the record, will you tell us why you’re going on the trip?
CJ: I made fun of Notre Dame.

Sam: Oratory should raise your heart rate. Oratory should blow the doors off the place. We should be talking about not being satisfied with past solutions, we should be talking about a permanent revolution.
Toby: Where have I heard that?
Sam: I got it from a book… The Little Red Book.
Toby: You think we should quote Mao Tse-tung?
Sam: We do need a permanent revolution.
Toby: Still, I think we’ll stay away from quoting Communists.
Sam: You think a Communist never wrote an elegant phrase? How do you think they got everyone to be Communist?

Donna: Do you and I look alike?
Ainsley: I’m sorry?
Donna: Do we look alike?
Ainsley: No.

Donna: I think it’s because of the alabaster skin and the farm girl looks that…

Sam: Well over three and a half centuries ago, sprinkling by faith and bound by a common
desire for liberty, a small band of pilgrims sought out a place in the New World where they
could worship according to their own beliefs… and solve crimes. By day, they churn butter
and worship according to their own beliefs and by night, they solve crimes.
Toby: Read the thing.
Sam: Pilgrim detectives.
Toby: Do you see me laughing?

CJ: Every time we come up on a holiday, you guys check out like seniors who are done with
Toby: We are writing a very important Thanksgiving proclamation.
Sam: And possibly a new action-adventure series.
Toby: Nobody here has checked out.

Josh: Hey, I was just flipping a nickel in my office. Sixteen times in a row, it came out tails.

Sam (about CJ): Somebody needs to learn the true meaning of Thanksgiving.

Morton: I’m dropping off the turkeys… Where should I put ‘em?
Josh: CJ’s office… I’d definitely put them in CJ’s office.
Toby: Good idea.

Donna: Ever year on Thanksgiving, the President pardons a turkey… and its your event.
CJ: Why are there two turkeys?
Donna: Customarily, the Press Secretary decides –
CJ: No.
Donna: — which of the two finalists is more photogenic. Their names –
CJ: I don’t want to know their names.
Donna: This one’s Eric and this one’s Troy.

CJ: In the following days, we will be meeting with Reverend Al Caldwell, members of
Beijing’s Embassy and INS agents. The president has asked Josh Lyman and Sam Seaborn to
run these meetings so it’s entirely possible that by week’s end we’ll have alienated
Christians, China and our own government.

CJ: Okay, it’s show time guys. I’ve observed you under a number of conditions, and this
is the final. I don’t like you wigging out in the President’s face I just don’t like
the photo, so… You both did fine. Troy, I want you know it was neck-and-neck but I’m giving
it to Eric. You were in it right to the end but it’s the flapping thing you’ve got going
on. I tell you what’s of some concern to me, had I been talking out loud this whole time,
that’s very unsettling.

Josh: The INS agents also feel it’s not uncommon in this situation for refugees to… How
do I put it… Feign faith. So how do you tell the difference between…?
Bartlet: Do you guys know what a “shibboleth” is? It’s from the Bible. “Then said now unto
him, say now “shibboleth” and he said “sibboleth” for he could not frame to pronounce it
right.” It was a password, the way the army used to distinguish true Israelites from
impostors sent across the river Jordan by the enemy… I’m having one of the Chinese
refugees flown here. I’ll meet with him tonight.

CJ: I need you to pardon a turkey.
Bartlet: I already pardoned a turkey… aren’t I gonna get a reputation for being soft on

CJ: They sent me two turkeys. The most photo-friendly of the two gets a Presidential
pardon and a full life at a children’s zoo. The runner-up gets eaten.
Bartlet: If the Oscars were like that, I’d watch.

Bartlet: CJ, I have really no judicial jurisdiction over birds.
CJ: Yes, I know that, and you know that, but Morton Horn doesn’t know that.
Bartlet: He’s in high school and he doesn’t know I can’t pardon his turkey? CJ, if we don’t
and I mean completely overhaul public education in this country…

Bartlet: Morton, I can’t pardon a turkey. If you think I can pardon a turkey, then you have
got to go back to your school and insist that you be better prepared to go out in
the world.
Donna: You can’t pardon a turkey?
Bartlet: No. I tell you what I can do. I’m drafting this turkey into military service.

Toby: The Milwaukee Journal is quoting an unnamed White House source as saying the President doesn’t like green beans.
Josh: That’s a pretty slow news day in Milwaukee.

Josh: There’s a Citizen’s Stamp Advisory Committee?
Leo: Yes.
Josh: Made up of members of the There-But-For-The-Grace-of-God-go-I Club?
Leo: You wanna mock people or let me talk to Toby?
Josh: I wanna mock people.

Donna: We have colonized Puerto Rico and they will rise up against us.
Josh: I think we can take’em.
Donna: That’s what we said about the British.
Josh: We took the British.
Donna: You know what I’m saying.
Josh: Hardly ever.

Josh: We think if we hit the ground hard enough, we can make it to the center of the planet and find water?
Toby: Yeah.
Josh: That’s not a theory of physics pretty much disproved by Wile E. Coyote?

Bartlet: Modern music sucks. Anything written after 1860 sucks.
Charlie: ‘Samuel Barber, Symphony No. 2.’
Bartlet: Sucks.

Sam: Can I just say that I was the one who was in trouble? I was the one under siege. It was my picture in the paper. And, I don’t know why I need to call you and explain myself.
Mallory: It was a picture of you and a call girl.

Sam: Yeah, she’s (Mallory) here. She snuck up on me from behind. You’d think women would make more noise with their big high heels, but they don’t. They got this stealth thing going, which I really ought to be clever enough… (Mallory appears)

Mallory: And we went to the moon. Do we really have to go to Mars?

Sam: Because it’s next. For we came out of the cave, and we looked over the hill, and we saw fire. And we crossed the ocean, and we pioneered the West, and we took to the sky. The history of man is hung on the timeline of exploration, and this is what’s next.


Josh: And what stupid-ass Irish thing did you say to Karen Cahill that you now need me to apologize at Ben and Sally’s like a little girl?… Let me tell you what was surprising about that moment just then. I said that only 12 hours after you were very cool about my almost accidentally setting the building on fire.
Leo: I made a joke about her shoes.

Sam: I don’t do well with Karen.
Donna: Why?
Sam: I get nervous.
Donna: What happens?
Sam: I become unimpressive.

Donna: You don’t fall down, do you?
Sam: Once.

Leo: There was a freshman democrat who came to Congress 50 years ago. He turned to a senior Democrat and said, ‘Where are the Republicans? I want to meet the enemy.’ The senior Democrat said, ‘The Republicans aren’t the enemy. They’re the opposition. The Senate is the enemy.’ Those days are over.

Bartlet: Who’s the next meeting?
Charlie: Kim Woo of Singapore. You want the cheat sheet?
Bartlet: I don’t need a cheat sheet. Kim Woo, he won a bronze medial for fencing, he’s a Buddhist, and he enjoys European History. You see Charles’s even thought it’s a handshake, I’m able to make him feel like a friend and that’s a little thing they call ‘people skills.’
Charlie: Kim Woo’s a woman, sir.
Bartlet: The man’s an Olympic athlete, Charlie. I wouldn’t say that to his face.

Donna: Did you fall down at all?
Sam: I did not. In fact, we were talking about the stability of former Soviet Republics and their fear of Islamic extremism and I have to say that I made some very scholarly points regarding the remains of nuclear weapons in Kyrgyzstan, and I have to believe…
Josh: Khazakhstan… The nuclear weapons are in Khazakhstan.
Sam: I said Kyrgyzstan? Yeah, well, Kyrgyzstan has no nuclear weapons. Khazakhstan is a country four times the size of Texas and has a sizable number of former Russian missile silos. Kyrgyzstan is on the side of a hill near China and has mostly nomads and sheep.

Sam: I said the wrong one.
Donna: Maybe not.

Sam: It was Karen Cahill. If there was a 99 out of a 100 chance of saying the right one, I said the wrong one. Yes. Here’s what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna go up to her ‘Hi I’m Donna Moss, I don’t know if you remember me, I’m Josh Lyman’s assistant.’ You just had to come up to her cause you knew she’d get a kick out of this. Sam Seaborn’s being so cute, he was talking to you and he thinks he may have said Kyrgizstan when he obviously meant Kazakhstan.
Donna: Sam Seaborn’s being so cute?

Sam: It’s a private poll. The press doesn’t have access to it… The only way they’d know what questions were being asked is if they were actually called by one of the pollsters
and… Oh my god!
CJ: Yes.
Sam: A reporter got called by one of the pollsters?

Josh: Wow. What are the chances of that?
Sam: The chances of that are astronomical.
Josh: We can calculate it. They sample 800 respondents…
CJ: Would the two of you stop being amazed by the mathematics!

Bartlet: Donna wants me to call Karen Cahill and make it clear she wasn’t hitting on her when she gave her her underwear.
Leo: Yeah, that’s because I made fun of her shoes and Sam said there were nuclear weapons in Kyrgyzstan and Donna went to clear up the mix up and accidentally left her underwear.
Bartlet: There can’t possibly be nuclear weapons in Kyrgyzstan.
Leo: Mr. President, please don’t wade hip deep into this story.

Leo: Alexander Hamilton didn’t think we should have political parties. Neither did John Adams. He thought political parties led to divisiveness.
Toby: They do. They should. We have honest disagreements. Arguments are good.
Leo: Only if they lead to statesmanship. Or it’s just theatre. And statesmanship is compromise.
Toby: What about persuasion? They’re coming for us, Leo.
Leo: I know.
Toby: I mean they’re coming for us now.

Bartlet: Leo, were you born at age 55?

CJ: What are you doing?
Josh: I’m standing with my back straight against the wall.
CJ: Why?
Josh: I was told by the doctors it would relax me.

Donna: Are you threatened by his brilliance?
Josh: Neither Leo or I are threatened by his brains, his looks or his charm. He is, however,
a lunatic Brit and we’re grateful there’s an ocean between us.

Josh: I’m just gonna, you know, stand next to the wall for a while longer.

Josh: Okay, what I need people to do is knock.
Toby: I did knock.
Josh: But you didn’t wait for a response.

Bartlet: The number of different words they had for “manipulative,” Leo, there’s no way they didn’t have a thesaurus open in front of them.

Leo: I’m pushing you to the missile defense shield cause I think it works.
Bartlet: Based on what?
Leo: Confidence. And the understanding that there’s been a time in the evolution of everything that works when it didn’t work.
Josh: You know, can I say this? Why don’t we just give the sixty billion dollars to North Korea in exchange for not bombing us?
Bartlet: It’s almost hard to believe that you’re not on the National Security Council.
Josh: I know. I feel like they’re missing an important voice.

Kenny (Joey): Joshua Lyman, you have the cutest little butt in professional politics.
Josh: Kenny, really, that better have been her talking.

Charlie: And why doesn’t he ask the First lady about the $500 check himself in the normal course of, you know, being married to her.
Mrs. Landingham: When the President inquires into the First lady’s personal bookkeeping, the First Lady gets angry at him… and yells.
Charlie: Well, she’s gonna get angry and yell when I inquire too.
Mrs. Landingham: Well, the President doesn’t care so much about that.

Abby: What do you need?
Charlie: Ma’am, I’d like you to bear in mind that I’m not wearing pads, or a helmet or contact gear of any kind. A $500 check that hasn’t been cashed…

Ainsley: Have you been watching?
Sam: Yes.
Ainsley: Aren’t I delightful?

Ainsley: I am not scared to meet the President cause I’m not gonna meet the President.
Sam: Ainsley…
Ainsley: I’m having a good night. I just want to keep having a good night. I don’t want to live in fear of the inevitable bumbling of the English language that will occur and the mortification that will ensue…
Sam: That sounds pretty bad.
Ainsley: I am… yes… I am indeed… yes, I am scared to meet the President.

Sam: Yeah. And remember you’re a blond republican girl and that nobody likes you.

Donna: ‘Joey, would you like to go out Friday night.’ You know, you have to say it. You have to ask a girl out on a DATE. You can’t just randomly tumble into a girl sideways and hopes she breaks up with you soon like you always do.

Donna: You want me to ask her out for you?

Josh: America is talking and I’m trying to hear what they’re saying.
Kenny (Joey): They’re saying that you’re an egomaniac who needs to know the public loves you and that you’ll have the numbers in five minutes.

Sam: I came down here to tell you…
Ainsley: Oh dance with me, Sam!

Bartlet: I never even knew we had a nightclub down here…
Ainsley: Oh, my gosh!
Sam: Mr. President, I don’t believe you’ve met Ainsley Hayes.
Bartlet: Yeah Ainsley, I wanted to say hello and to you know…mention ‘a lot of people assumed you were hired because you’re a blonde, republican sex kitten’ and well, they’re obviously wrong. Keep up the good work.
Ainsley: Yes, sir.

Sam: That could have been worse… No, probably not.

Toby: He’s not the President of the United States. He’s a junior Senator from North
Dakota where nobody lives! ‘Cause it’s too cold and they don’t have a major sports

Donna: She wants you to ask her out Josh.
Josh: She really doesn’t.
Donna: You’re missing the signs.
Josh: I’m really not
Donna: I know a thing or two about the ways of love.
Josh: No you don’t.
Donna: You’re missing the signs.
Josh: I’m thinking of firing you.
Donna: You fired me twice already tonight, I’m impervious.

Josh: All last night at the phone banks, Donna was telling me I should ask Joey Lucas out.
Sam: You should.
Josh: Fine. But that aside what do you think about Donna being the one pushing.
Sam: I don’t think anything.
Josh: You wouldn’t think she’d be jealous.
Sam: She goes out with guys, do you get jealous?
Josh: No.
Sam: See.
Josh: I don’t get jealous.
Sam: So?
Josh: I don’t like it and usually do everything within my considerable capabilities to
sabotage it… Which is why its curious that Donna would do nothing to discourage and in fact
everything to encourage a date with Joey Lucas who is, quite frankly a very attractive woman.

Josh: Why do you ask me the question, when you’re gonna have the conversation by yourself?
Donna: You want me to hold the phone for a while?
Josh: I can hold the phone… Take the phone.

Bartlet: We try to get people to vote for us and in the process we hope the people force us
to do good things.

Josh: Numbers don’t lie.
Joey (Kenny): They lie all the time. They lie when 72% of Americans say they’re tired of a sex scandal, while all the while, newspaper circulation go through the roof for anyone
featuring the story. If you polled a a hundred Donnas and asked them if they think we should go out, you’d get a high positive response. But, the poll wouldn’t tell you it’s because she like you. And she’s knows it’s beginning to show and she needs to cover herself with misdirection.

Bartlet: I’ll tell you something Leo, after heroin and cocaine, tobacco is next.
Leo: Great. Another criminal empire we can give birth to.

Leo: I fought a jungle war. I’m not doing it again. If I could put myself anywhere in
time, it would be the Cabinet room, on August 4, 1964. When our ships were attacked
by North Vietnam in the Tonkin Gulf. I’d say, “Mr. President… don’t do it. Don’t
consider authorizing a massive commitment of troops and throwing in our lot with
torturers and panderers, leaders without principle and soldiers without conviction;
no clear mission, and no end in sight.” This war is at home. The casualties are in our prisons, and not our hospitals. The amount of money the American government is spending in Columbia is the exact same amount American consumers are spending buying drugs from Columbia, we’re funding both sides of this war and we’ll never win it that way.

Bartlet: You know what Truman Capote said was the bad part about living outside the law?
Leo: What?
Bartlet: It’s that you no longer have the protection of it.


Josh: All right. First things first – what time is it in Tokyo?
Toby: They’re fourteen hours ahead.
Josh: I thought it was thirteen.

CJ: Guys, there are clocks on the wall!

Sam: He’s going to travel Easward from Tokyo, leaving at seven pm, so when he crosses the international dateline-
Toby: He will have traveled back in time to what?
Sam: 3am.
CJ: Which puts him down in Washington at 6pm Thursday.
Josh: He’s gonna land in Washington an hour before he took off? …And that’s not a story that beats the Surgeon General?

Bartlet: I’ve got to hand it to you guys: you’ve pulled off a political first. You’ve managed to win me the support of the Christian Right and the Cheech and Chong Fan Club in the same day.

Toby: I bring you here, and we sit, and we have coffee, and we have Danish, in the hope that calmer and, dare I say, prettier heads prevail.
Andi: Oh, I miss patronizing, sexist Toby.
Toby: I was referring to myself.

Toby: Put the Danish down.

Charlie: Well he would have especially enjoyed the scene where the Prince Myshkin character has a seizure while engaging in an erotic fantasy in a Long Island church.
Mrs Landingham: Charlie, please don’t say the word “erotic” in the Oval Office.
Charlie: I’d be perfectly happy never to say any of those words anywhere ever again.

Margaret (to the Surgeon General): Red meat has been found to cause cancer in white rats. Maraschino cherries have been found to cause cancer in white rats. Cellular phones have been found to cause cancer in white rats. Has anyone examined the possibility that cancer might be hereditary in white rats?

Andi: I find that when I skip over the first step and move right to the second step, it becomes a lot harder for people to say no.

Toby: In my day, we knew how to protest.
CJ: What day was that?
Toby: 1968.
Josh: How the hell old were you when you were protesting?
Toby: My sisters took me.

Toby: The police are always seven steps ahead of them. The cops know exactly where they’re going to be and what’s going to happen. You know how they know? By logging onto their website. We had the underground. We had rapid response.
CJ: And by God, you were home by supper on a school night.
Toby: These people are amateurs. What’s my assignment?
Leo: Meeting with the amateurs.

Charlie: I’ve got it here in my notes. “Requires that all non-housing farm and ranch structures built prior to 1900 be preserved by the owners unless destroyed by an act of God”.
Bartlet: What plaid flannel-wearing, cheese-eating, yahoo of a milkman governor signed that idiot bill into state law? …It was me, wasn’t it?

Sachs: Rhonda Sachs. They asked me to make sure you go home in one piece.
Toby: You fully trained?
Sachs: Yes.
Toby: How many different ways you know how to kill a man?
Sachs: How many different ways do I need?
Toby: I like you.

Toby: You want the benefits of free trade? Food is cheaper.
Sachs: Yes.
Toby: Food is cheaper, clothes are cheaper, steel is cheaper, cars are cheaper, phone service is cheaper. You feel me building a rhythm here? That’s ’cause I’m a speechwriter and I know how to make a point… It lowers prices, it raises income. You see what I did with ‘lowers’ and ‘raises’ there?
Sachs: Yes.
Toby: It’s called the science of listener attention. We did repetition, we did floating opposites and now you end with the one that’s not like the others. Ready? Free trade stops wars. And that’s it. Free trade stops wars! And we figure out a way to fix the rest! One world, one peace. I’m sure I’ve seen that on a sign somewhere.
Sachs: God, Toby…Wouldn’t it be great if there was someone around here with communication skills who could go in there and tell them that?

CJ: It’s our first filibuster, and I’m not a rules expert, but the rules of a filibuster are
simple enough – you keep the floor as long as you hold the floor. What does that mean?
It means you can’t stop talking, ever. You can’t eat, and you can’t drink, which is fine,
because you can’t leave the chamber to use the bathroom, either. But all that’s nothing
compared to this: you’re not allowed to sit down-you’re not allowed to lean on anything
or, for that matter, anyone.

Senator Stackhouse:That is how you prepare Virginia Green apple pie. Let’s turn now to David Copperfield…

CJ: If you ever have a free two hours and are so inclined, try standing up without leaning on
anything and talking the whole time. You won’t make it. I wouldn’t make it. Stackhouse
wasn’t supposed to last 15 minutes. He’s 78 years old. Well, somebody forgot to tell Stackhouse, Dad, cause he just went into hour number eight.

Josh: Did you get the flowers?
Donna: Yes, I did… They were very pretty.
Josh: Do you know why I sent them to you?
Donna: I know why you think you sent them to me.
Josh: It’s our anniversary!
Donna: No, it’s not.
Josh: I’m the kind of guy who remembers these things!
Donna: No, you’re the kind of guy who sends a woman flowers to be mean. You’re the only person I’ve met who can do that!
Josh: I’m quite something.

Sam: You’re going back to Smith College, the cradle of feminism, to argue in opposition of the Equal Rights Amendment? They’re gonna hate you.
Ainsley: I’m a straight Republican from North Carolina, and you don’t think they hated me the first time around?

Sam: A few years ago, Donna’s boyfriend broke up with her so she started working for Josh. But then, the boyfriend told her to come back, and she did. And then they broke up, and she came back to work… I thought you meant *you* didn’t want to talk about it… I’m a spokesman – it’s in my blood.

Sam: We’re not making fun of the host.
Ainsley: Who are we making fun of?
Everyone else: Republicans!

Sam: If the Amendment’s redundant, what’s your problem if it’s passed or not?
Ainsley: Because I’m a Republican! Have we met? I believe that every time the federal government hands down a new law, it leaves for the rest of us a little less freedom. So I say, let’s just stick to the ones we absolutely need to have water come out of the faucet
and our cars not stolen. That is my problem with passing a redundant law.

Toby: You don’t have to break the law to get served with articles of impeachment.
Leo: Toby, it is never gonna get that far.
Toby: Write down the exact date and time you said that.

Sam: When I was downstairs, I made a decision. I’m gonna register with the Republican Party – and I’ll tell you why, if you’re curious. It’s because they’re a freedom-loving people.
Ainsley: We also like beef.

Donna: I’m gonna give you a little gift right now, which you don’t deserve.
Josh: Donna, if you’ve got your old Catholic-school uniform on under there, don’t get me wrong, I applaud the thought, but…
Donna: Okay, what I need is for you to stop being like, you, for a second.

Donna: I was actually in a car accident… Anyway, they took me to the hospital and I called him and he came to get me and on the way he stopped and met some friends of his for a beer. Does this make you feel superior? Yes, you are better than my old boyfriend.
Josh: I’m just sayin’ – if you were in an accident, I wouldn’t stop for a beer.
Donna: If you were in an accident, I wouldn’t stop for red lights. Thanks for taking me back. Oh, and the flowers are beautiful.

Toby: It’s seventeen people, by the way.
Bartlet: I’m sorry?
Toby: You knew. We weren’t counting you. It’s seventeen people.

CJ: I think this is going really well so far, Oliver. It’s almost hard to believe that four different women have sued you for divorce.

Oliver: In my entire life I’ve never found anything charming.

Toby: He calls you and me the Batman and Robin of speech-writing… We’re Batman and Robin!
Sam: Which one’s which?
Toby: Look at me, Sam. Am I Robin?
Sam: I’m not Robin.
Toby: Yes, you are.
Sam: Okay, well, let’s move off this.
Toby: You bet, little friend.

Sam: First of all, it’s bad writing. It sounds like it was written by a high school girl.
Helen: Is there something wrong with the way a woman writes?
Sam: There usually is when she’s in high school.

Sam: Henry, last fall, every time your boss got on the stump and said, “It’s time for the rich to pay their fair share,” I hid under a couch and changed my name. I left Gage Whitney making $400,000 a year, which means I paid twenty-seven times the national average in income tax. I paid my fair share, and the fair share of twenty-six other people. And I’m happy to because that’s the only way it’s gonna work, and it’s in my best interest that everybody be able to go to schools and drive on roads, but I don’t get twenty-seven votes on Election Day. The fire department doesn’t come to my house twenty-seven times faster and the water doesn’t come out of my faucet twenty-seven times hotter. The top one percent of wage earners in this country pay for twenty-two percent of this country. Let’s not call them names while they’re doing it, is all I’m saying.

Leo: Come see the President and me a minute, would you?
Sam: Yeah.
Toby: I’ll be here in the office when you’re done.

CJ: You guys are like Butch and Sundance peering over the edge of a cliff to the boulder-filled rapids 300 feet below, thinking you better not jump ’cause there’s a chance you might drown. The President has this disease and has been lying about it, and you guys are worried that the polling might make us look bad? It’s the fall that’s gonna kill ya.

Warren: How exactly are the Justice Department litigators going to demonstrate that?
Josh: Well… I’m not a litigator and I don’t work at the Justice Department, and there’s a reason why both those things are true… but I wouldn’t think it’d be that hard to prove that the tobacco companies have lied since we already know they did!
Rossitter: Every Surgeon General since 1964 has warned the public about smoking and since 1966
through a Congressional mandate a pack of cigarettes has to carry a warning label. Turning around now and saying ‘we’ve been had’ is frankly ridiculous.
Josh: Are you saying that people who start smoking and get addicted to nicotine are too
stupid to live?
Rossitter: No, I’m saying they’re too stupid to be protected by the courts.
Josh: Every day, the Justice Department uncovers the evidence that cigarette companies knew far better than the rest of us, that smoking causes death and disease. To say nothing of the CEOs being the last seven people on earth to discover that nicotine was addictive.
Warren: Josh. Your administration wants to prosecute a suit they know is hopeless, so they can
score points at the expense of an industry that funds your opponent. It’s politically correct extortion.

Toby (after telling Donna): If everybody out there takes it the way she did, we may be okay. If a few more people in here took it the way she did, that’d be all right, too.
Josh: Was that for me?
Toby: That was for me.
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Gee I Wonder Why He Said That
”I’m ashamed of what happened in the White House yesterday. I think it is a tragedy in the first proportion that a private corporation can be subjected to what I would characterize as a shakedown — in this case a $20 billion shakedown … I’m only speaking for myself. I’m not speaking for anyone else, but I apologize. I do not want to live in a county where anytime a citizen or a corporation does something that is legitimately wrong, [it is] subject to some sort of political pressure that, again, in my words, amounts to a shakedown.”

—Rep. Joe Barton (R-Tex.) member of the Tea Party Caucus, during a congressional hearing with BP CEO Tony Hayward, referring to a $20 billion fund for damages that President Obama pressured BP to set up to pay for the Gulf oil spill. Barton, the biggest recipient of oil and gas industry campaign contributions in the House of Representatives, was forced by Republican leaders to apologize for his BP apology.
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