In The Unlikely Event…
Top 10 Rejection Lines by Women (And What They Really Mean)
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that banjo player in “Deliverance.”)
9. There’s a silent difference in our ages. (I don’t want to date my Dad.)
8. I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way. (You are the ugliest dork I’ve ever laid eyes on.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don’t want you spending the night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys.)
6. I’ve got a boyfriend. (I prefer the company of my cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry’s.)
5. I don’t date men where I work. (I wouldn’t date you if you were in the same ‘solar system,’ much less the same building.)
4. It’s not you, it’s me. (It’s you.)
3. I’m concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I’m celibate. (I’ve sworn off only the men like you.)
And the Number One rejection line given by women:
1. Let’s be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I sleep with)
Lawyers Vs Assholes
A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, “All Lawyers are ASSHOLES!”
A man at the front of the bar stands up and says “Hey! I resent that!”
So the first man asks, “Why are you a lawyer?”
“NO! I’m an asshole!”
You Know You Need A Vacation From Your Kids When…
You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.
You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!
You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.
You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.
You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.
You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, “Mom, why don’t you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?”
You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you’ve reached over and started to cut up his steak!
Still Biting Your Nails
A young woman was worried about her stress-related habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick, so her friend advised her to take up yoga. She did, and soon her finger nails were growing normally. Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness. ‘No,’ she replied, ‘but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead.’
Last name: ________________
First name (check appropriate box):
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
[_] Hair Dresser
[_] Dirty Politician
Spouses Name: __________________________
2nd Spouses Name: _________________________
3rd Spouses Name: _________________________
Lovers Name: ____________________________
2nd Lovers Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mothers Name: _______________________
Fathers Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:_________________________
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer
[_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide
[_] Soap World
[_] Rifle and Shotgun
How often do you bathe:
[_] Not Applicable
How many teeth? ___
Color of teeth:
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] dont know
I’ll Do Anything You Want
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.”
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand.
He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, “Paint my house.”
Top Ten Things You’ll Never Hear a Dad Say
10. Well, how ’bout that?… I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for un-chaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain “up yours” attitude … I like that.
7. Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car — GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend … you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies — you know — that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring — now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father’s Day? aahh — don’t worry about that — it’s no big deal.
Where Have You Been?
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck! When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, ‘How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?’ He replied, ‘That would be fine with me.’ Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
1. The FEMALE always makes the rules.
2. The RULES are subject to change at any time without prior notification…by the FEMALE.
3. No MALE can possibly know all the RULES.
4. If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows all the RULES, she must immediately change some or all of them.
5. The FEMALE is never wrong.
6. If the FEMALE is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong.
7. The MALE must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstandings.
8. The FEMALE may change her mind at any time.
9. The MALE must never change his mind without the express written consent of the FEMALE.
10. The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The MALE must remain calm at all times, unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The FEMALE must, under no circumstances, let the MALE know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to “mind read” at all times.
14. The MALE who doesn’t abide by THE RULES; can’t take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp!
15. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
16. If the FEMALE has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void.
17. The FEMALE is ready when SHE is ready.
18. The MALE must be ready at ALL times.
Philosophy Of A Lazy Wife
I don’t do windows because … I love birds and don’t want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.
I don’t wax floors because … I am terrified a guest will slip and get hurt then I’ll feel terrible (plus they may sue me.)
I don’t mind the dust bunnies because … They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.
I don’t disturb cobwebs because I want every creature to have a home of their own.
I don’t Spring Clean because … I love all the seasons and don’t want the others to get jealous
I don’t put things away because … My husband will never be able to find them again.
I don’t do gourmet meals when I entertain because … I don’t want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.
I don’t iron because … I choose to believe them when they say “Permanent Press”.
I don’t stress much on anything because … “A Type” personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol’ woman!
REMEMBER . . . .
A clean house is a sign of a broken computer.