Monty Python’s Army Protection Racket
1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.
2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That’s when he realized he had made it home safely.
3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.
4. A boy asks his granny, ‘Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?’ Granny replies, ‘the hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen?”
5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby, ‘What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?’ Hubby looks her up and down and replies, ‘Your sense of humor!’
Hospital visiting hours are 5:00 to 6:00.
6. A chap’s wife’s back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part. The viewing will be Saturday from 7:00 till 8:30.
7. I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
8. I woke up this morning at 9:00, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered, McDonalds serves breakfast until 10:30.
9. My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, “I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!” “Oh,” I replied, “so now you want me to stay!”.
10.Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
11. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I’d slept with. I told her, “Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!” – - The doctor says I should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take about a month.
Senior Trying To Set A Password
*WINDOWS*: Please enter your new password.
*WINDOWS*: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
*USER:* boiled cabbage
*WINDOWS*: Sorry,the password must contain 1 numerical character.
*USER*: 1 boiled cabbage
*WINDOWS*: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
*WINDOWS*: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
*WINDOWS*: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
*WINDOWS*: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
*WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.*
More United States State Mottos
• Georgia: We Put The “Fun” In Fundamentalist Extremism
• Georgia: Hey, don’t mess with us or we’ll take away the hip-hop and rap music!
• Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
• Hawaii: Come surfing because we love your hilarious You Tube vids.
• Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, Not Really, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
• Idaho: You Can Be Da Ho Next
• Illinois: Please Don’t Pronounce the “S”
• Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
• Indiana: Dan Quayle’s Favorite Country!
• Iowa: We Do Amazing Things with Corn
• Kansas: First of the Rectangle States
• Kansas: No, we don’t know Dorothy!
• Kansas: Like Oklahoma but More Square
• Kansas: Everyone Already got the Good Stereotypes
• Kansas: Meth capital of the USA
• Kansas: Pretty damn empty
• Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
• Louisiana: Don’t worry, We All Come with Translators.
• Louisiana: We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, but That’s Our Tourism Campaign
• Maine: We’re Really Cold, but We Have Cheap Lobster
• Maryland: Coming soon, Baltimore’s top junkie!
• Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
• Massachusetts: Our Taxes are Lower Than Sweden’s
• Massachusetts: Now with 30% Fewer Kennedys!
• Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
• Michigan: Last One Out, Turn off the Lights!
• Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
• Minnesota: 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter and Construction.
• Mississippi: Come and Feel Better About Your Own State
Police Answering Machine
Hello, you have reached the __________ Police Department voice mail.
-To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem you created for yourself, press1.
-To inquire whether someone has to die before we’ll do something about a problem,
-To report an officer for bad manners when in reality the officer is trying to keep your neighborhood safe, press 3.
-If you would like us to raise your children, press 4.
-If you would like us to take control of your life due to your alcoholic or chemical dependency, press 5.
-If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took years to deteriorate, press 6.
-To tell us that you know the Chief of Police and or some other very important person and that we should respond to your problem immediately, press 7.
-To sue us, tell us you’ll have our badge, that you pay our salary, or proclaim that our career is over, press 8.
-To hear this menu again, wrap aluminum foil around your head and turn around three times.
As I Age I Realize That
1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.
2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.
3. I don’t need anger management.
I need people to stop pissing me off.
4. My people skills are just fine.
It’s my tolerance of idiots that needs work.
5. The biggest lie I tell myself is
“I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment.
Now it’s like a mini vacation.
7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.
8. Even duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!
9. Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes and come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
10. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.
11. When the kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes”.
12. At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Top 10 Signs That You’ve Overdosed On The Internet
• Your opening line is: “So, are you on Facebook?”
• You are overcome with disbelief, anger, and finally depressed acceptance when you encounter a Webpage with no links.
• You felt driven to consult the “Cool Page of the Day” on your wedding day.
• Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
• You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a puddle, sending your car careening towards the flimsy guardrail that separates you the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death, and you desperately look for the “Back” button.
• You visit “The Really Big Button That Doesn’t Do Anything” again and again and again.
• Your dog has his own webpage.
• So does your hamster.
• When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.
Competent Vs Incompetent
Let’s assume for a moment that we can divide the majority of humanity into two major categories — the competent and the incompetent. Now, let’s look at the differences:
The incompetent are absolutely certain of their talent, their intelligence and their abilities.
The competent usually have at least a few doubts about themselves, mainly because they are aware of their limitations.
The incompetent never realize they are incompetent, because they lack the intelligence necessary to realize they are unfit and unsuited.
The competent can realistically assess almost any situation as well as their ability to deal with it.
The work of the incompetent tends to be superficial — even worse — they are completely unaware of this because they regard their work as profound and important.
The work of the competent must not only withstand the scrutiny of the incompetent, but their own self-analysis as more often than not, the competent are their own worse critics.
The incompetent tend to hire people like themselves, since, for obvious reasons, they do not find their own kind threatening.
The competent also try to hire people such as themselves, also for obvious reasons and neither do they find their own kind threatening.
This may well be the one and only similarity between the two.
The incompetent usually confuse the doubts of the competent as a bad attitude, and the overconfidence of the incompetent as great promise.
Thankfully, the competent don’t get confused at all. Dismayed??? YES!!! Confused??? NO!!!
The competent are only tolerated by the incompetent because they are needed to perform all the necessary tasks that the incompetent regard as beneath them, but which are, in reality, beyond the ability of the incompetent.
The incompetent are tolerated by the competent because — “That’s Life!”
And further, as we all know, since our parents, aunts/uncles and grandparents reminded us of this fact many times:
“No one ever promised life was gonna be fair.”
Thankfully, the truly gifted don’t even have to concern themselves with any of this stuff — they just totally ignore both the competent and the incompetent while going ahead and doing their thing.
Which in reality is why mankind continues to exist and didn’t self-destruct hundreds of years ago.
Different Ways Of Looking At Things
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.
2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being ‘over the hill’ is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up .
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs…A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on.
Golf Caddy Comments
Golfer: “Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.”
Caddy: “Think you can keep your head down that long?”
Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
Caddy: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”
Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”
Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”
Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.”
Caddy: “I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.”
Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction.”
Caddy: “It’s not a watch – it’s a compass.”
Golfer: “How do you like my game?”
Caddy: “Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.”
Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day.”
Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.”
Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”
Caddy: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.”
Most of us have been thru the kind of interviews where you’re subjected to various mind games. Now, they’re doing it on applications too. One form asked me to “list my strengths”.
I put down: “The majority of the time I am trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, kind, courteous, hard working, cheerful and respectful.
Naturally, as expected, the very next item said “list your weaknesses.” (Yeah, like anyone would admit that they had a bad temper, flirted with anything in a skirt, resented instructions and stole supplies)
I entered: “Sometimes I am not so trustworthy, loyal, helpful, kind, friendly, courteous, hard working, cheerful or respectful.”
Note to all: Oddly enough, I didn’t get the job.
Did ya ever notice an interviewer making notes during the process? I saw one actually cross-out one of my answers on the application.
Where it said “Sex:” I had answered, “I do OK”.
He had the gull to cross my response and put down “Crazy Man”.
At the conclusion on a lengthy and grueling interview, I was asked if I had any questions. Not at all sure how well I had done, I smiled & asked if he accepted bribes.
Note to all: I didn’t get that job either
I overheard one Personnel Specialist say one time to a job candidate: “I see you’ve had no computer training. Although that automatically qualifies you for a supervisor’s position, it means you’re under-qualified for our entry level positions.”
After the Senior Vice President retired, his secretary decided to try for a promotion. She had been devoted to her former boss and wasn’t sure she wanted to work for the new VP.
One of the questions she was asked: “In the position you now hold, do you have any decisions to make?”
“I certainly do.” she replied. “Well…for starters, whenever my new boss tells me to get that dumb S.O.B. on the phone, I have to decide which one.”