Passive Aggressive Thanksgiving Dinner
Thanksgiving Dinner – SNL 1979
Funny Thanksgiving Quotes By Comedians
Jon Stewart: “I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”
Jim Gaffigan: “Thanksgiving. It’s like we didn’t even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?’”
Stephen Colbert: “Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.”
Kevin James: “Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.”
Jack Handey: “If you’re at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don’t like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you’re eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you’re out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, ‘Boy, these are good cigars!’”
Jay Leno: “You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.”
Johnny Carson: “Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.”
George Carlin: “We’re having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.”
Greg Proops: Ever since you’re little you hear this: ‘The pilgrims left England to escape religious persecution and sneak religious freedom into the new world.’ But even when you’re little you’re like, ‘Umm…Bullsh!t?’”
The Turkey Popped Out of the Oven
The Turkey popped out of the oven
and rocketed in to the air;
It knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
It ricocheted into a corner
and burst with a deafening boom,
Then splattered all over the kitchen,
completely obscuring the room.
It stuck to the walls and the windows,
it totally coated the floor,
There was turkey attached to the ceiling,
where there had never been turkey before..
It blanketed every appliance,
it smeared every saucer and bowl;
There wasn’t a way I could stop it;
that turkey was out of control.
I scraped and I scraped with displeasure
and thought with chagrin as I mopped,
That I would never again stuff a turkey
with popcorn that hadn’t been popped.
You Know You Overdid Thanksgiving When….
• Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy.
• The “Gravy Boat” your wife set out was a real 12′ boat!
• You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail.
• Friday you set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog.
• Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.
• A guest quotes a Biblical passage from “The Feeding of the 5000.”
• That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn.
• Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called…twice.
• You consider gluttony your patriotic duty.
• Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard & delete this.
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, “Nothing.”
The reason I said “nothing” instead of saying “just thinking” is because she then would have asked, “About what?”
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally, I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn’t really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.”
But you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”
I rest my case.
Time for another beer.
The Silver Lining To A Burnt Bird
• Salmonella won’t be a concern
• No one will overeat.
• Everyone will think it’s Cajun Blackened.
• Uninvited guests will think twice next year.
• Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newly found appreciation.
• Pets won’t pester you for scraps.
• The smoke alarm was due for a test.
• Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.
• After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.
• The less turkey Uncle George eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.
• You’ll get to the desserts quicker.
• You won’t have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.
Hey, If You Ask A Stupid Question…
So, I was at Wall-Mart earlier.
A lady was looking at frozen turkeys, but she couldn’t find one big enough.
She asked the stock boy, “do these turkeys get any bigger?”
He replied with a straight face, “No, ma’am, they’re dead.”
Made my week.
Things That Sound Dirty On Thanksgiving
• Talk about a huge breast!
• Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
• It’s Cool Whip time!
• If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!
• Whew, that’s one terrific spread!
• I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.
• Are you ready for seconds yet?
• It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
• Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!
• Don’t play with your meat.
• Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
• Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?
• I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!
• You still have a little bit on your chin.
• How long will it take after you stick it in?
• You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.
• Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all of that!
• That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen!
• How long do I beat it before it’s ready?
This Wasn’t The Birds And The Bees Story I Was Told
A 10-year-old girl asks her mum, “Mummy, how was I born?”
The mother smiled and replied: “Once upon a time, me and your daddy decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of if every single day.
After a while the seed started to grow more and more leaves and, in a few months, it turned into a beautiful healthy plant.
So, we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high that we forgot to wear a condom.
Stupidity In The Courtroom
Judge: “Have you ever been diagnosed with a mental disorder or disability?”
Defendant: “Not yet, your honor.”
Judge: “Counselor it’s up to you, what do you want to do?”
Defense: “I wanna die…”
Judge: “Ma’am what do you do for a living?”
Petitioner: “I write lady porn.”
Judge: “Do you have an attorney?”
Defendant: “I couldn’t afford an attorney.”
Judge: “Then how could you afford to hire a prostitute?…Well, allegedly.”
Defendant: “That’s my point, I wasn’t paying her.”
Judge: “Case dismissed”
Client: “I told the police I was drinking.”
Attorney: “What were you drinking?”
Client: “Crystal meth.”
Judge: “Should I order a mental health exam for your client?”
Attorney: “That’s the thing, your honor. My client isn’t so much crazy as he is a fantastic asshole.”
Clerk: “Is your client present?”
Attorney, “No. (pause). He’s actually deceased.”
Clerk: “Awe. Okay…so he’s with us in spirit.”
Attorney: “What did she do for a living?”
Deponent: “She was an entrepreneur.”
Attorney: “What type of business?”
(Defense attorney argues the electric saw allegedly used to cut a fence was only warm to the touch because defendant sat on it)
Judge: “What is this? The fat ass defense?”
Judge: “What are you in custody for, sir?”
Defendant: “Being too sexy for society.”
Question: “You gave us your name as Edward [Last Name], but have you been known by any other name?”
Witness: “Eddie Spaghetti when I was a kid.”
Defense attorney: “What is your highest level of education?”
Deponent: “You mean on a scale of 1 to 10?”
*Defense attorney, prosecutor, and court reporter burst out into hysterical laughter*
Defendant: (unsure of why they are laughing, begins laughing as well)
Public Defender: *alleges prosecutorial misconduct and discovery violation mid-trial because the DA didn’t discover a recorded interview between him and a witness*
District Attorney: “Your honor. This is my second trial. I was out on medical leave for a surgery earlier this year. The fact that the public defender thinks I should know how to do any of this is frankly offensive.”
Attorney: “I don’t know…”
Modern Never More
Once upon a midnight dreary,
While I web surfed, weak and weary,
Over many a strange and spurious
website of ‘hot chicks galore’,
While I clicked my favorite bookmark,
Suddenly there came a warning,
And my heart was filled with mourning,
Mourning for my dear amour.
‘Tis not possible!, I pleaded,
But my browser, so conceited,
Remained blank, I then repeated,
Just a blank and nothing more.
With a scream, I was defeated,
For my cookies were deleted,
So, I begged, no longer seated,
“Give me back my free hardcore!”
Then, in answer to my query,
Through the net I loved so dearly,
Came its answer, dark and dreary:
Quoth the server, “404″