Frank Sinatra & Dean Martin
New Year Quotes
Every New Year’s I have the same question: “How did I get home?”
- Melanie White
Heartwarming Miami tradition: Asking people not to shoot guns into the air on New Year’s Eve.
- Dave Barry
On New Years, just remember: if your cup runneth over, you’ve probably reached your limit.
- Melanie White
Wait a second, there’s ANOTHER year? I have to do it all over again???
I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It’s a nice reminder of what I did all year.
- Bridger Winegar
My grandparents had resolutions like donating more time & money to charities. I’ve decided to make my own coffee once a week.
Every New Years I celebrate making it through another holiday season without killing my relatives.
New Year’s Eve, when auld acquaintances be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.
- Jay Leno
Women get a little more excited about New Years Eve than men do. It’s like an excuse: you drink too much, you make a lot of promises you’re not going to keep; the next morning as soon as you wake up you start breaking them. For men, we just call that a date.
- Jay Leno
My New Year’s resolution is to eat better, so from now on, I’m going to only date guys who can afford to take me somewhere other than McDonalds.
If you make a New Year’s resolution to eat a healthy diet, and you keep it, you won’t actually live longer, but it will seem longer.
- Greg Tamblyn
Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.
- Bill Vaughan
May you find the strength to write, “Who is this?” to all the strange numbers that text you “Happy New Year!” tonight.
“Out with the old, in with the new” is a fitting expression for a holiday that is based on vomiting.
- Andy Borowitz
Usually my main goal at a New Year’s party is to remember who I came with.
New Year’s Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.
- Mark Twain
It wouldn’t be New Year if I didn’t have regrets.
- William Thomas
As the year draws to a close, happy revelers jam New York’s Times Square to watch the traditional dropping of the illuminated ball, while in Denver a mellower throng gathers to ring in the new year with the lighting of the 200-Foot Doobie.
- Dave Barry
• My New Year’s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
• My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my tv.
• I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.
• A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
• My wife still hasn’t told me what my New Year’s resolutions are.
• My brother’s New Year’s resolution is to move out of my parents house. You’d think after 49 years he’d try another one.
• This New Years I’m going to make a resolution I can keep: no dieting all year long.
• This New Years I resolved to lead a better life. Now all I have to do is find someone who will trade lives with me.
• My new years resolution is not to shovel snow. Since I’m gonna be in Florida, I feel pretty good about it.
• This New Years I was going to make a resolution never to be late again, but I didn’t wake up until January 2nd.
• I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.
• My New Years resolution is to try to remember why I’ve walked into a room.
• My New Year’s resolution is to take all the Christmas lights down by Easter.
• My new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
• My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.
• My New Years Resolution is to break my New Years Resolutions….That way I succeed at something!
• My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.
• I see no need to make more New Year’s resolutions when the ones already on the books aren’t being enforced.
• May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.
The Day After Christmas
‘Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurting – even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead,
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
While upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand,
The patch on his jacket said, “U.S. POSTMAN.”
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox,
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came,
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
“Now Dillard’s, now Broadway’s, now Penny’s and Sears,
Here’s Levitz’s and Target’s and Mervyn’s -all here!
To the top of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!”
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work,
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
“ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT ….. YOU’LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!”
Ten Indications Of A New Year Hangover
1. You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil’s pets.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to “Stay still.”
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking a glass of fresh paint.
4. The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, “Step right up and give it whirl!”
5. You’d rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.
6. You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet.
7. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
8. Your catch phrase is, “Never again.”
9. You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your new response to “Good morning,” is “Be quiet!”
Atlanta Airport Control Tower
You gotta love this one even if you’ve never lived in the South. Some of you will enjoy this more than others. Southerners can be so polite!
Atlanta ATC: “Tower to Saudi Air 511 — You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R
Saudi Air: “Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel’s runway 9R – Allah be Praised.”
Atlanta ATC: “Tower to Iran Air 711 –You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R.”
Iran Air: “Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel’s runway 9R – Allah is Great.”
Saudi Air: “ATLANTA ATC! – ATLANTA ATC!”
Atlanta ATC: “Go ahead Saudi Air 511.”
Saudi Air: “YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE.”
Atlanta ATC: “Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y’all be careful now and tell Allah “hey” for us!
Subtle Ways To Mess With Your Coworkers
Everyone knows that, sometimes, the workday feels like it drags on for eternity. Luckily, there are ways to liven up the office with just one simple trick: mess with your co-workers!
1. I installed “cloud to butt” on my coworker’s pc.
It’s a Chrome addon that changes all instances of the word “cloud” being displayed to “butt”.
He didn’t notice for months. Last week he finally asked me what that customer could possibly mean by “uploading files to my butt”.
2. have hidden a tiny speaker in an adjacent cubicle wall that emits a soft cat meow every 2 hours.
3. I whistle Christmas songs in months other than December. Just the first few lines once or twice an hour. Give it a few hours and they’re questioning why jingle bells is stuck in their head mid June.
4. Made a new folder on his desktop called Russian Dwarf Porn and then took a screenshot.
Set the screenshot as his desktop background. For an engineer it took him a ridiculous amount of time before he realized why he couldn’t delete the folder.
5. Found a little script a while back that would randomly open and close the disc drive on my coworker’s computer. Not incredibly often, but enough to the point where it was annoying. He requested a new computer, I reinstalled the .scr as soon as he left that day.
6. Gradually increase the pressure required to open the office door by adjusting the automatic door-closer with a screwdriver so they become accustomed to giving it a mighty shove then one day disconnect the arm altogether.
7. Change their auto-correct settings in Outlook so when they type their name it adds a ridiculous title.
Example: Tom Smith = His eloquence, master of ceremonial duck herding, and debater of microwave etiquette, Thomas “The Velvet Hammer” Smith, Esq.
8. There was this girl sitting next to me in an open plan office and we were always joking with each other. One day, she had a meeting scheduled at her desk with a male coworker I knew she had a crush on. So while she was in the bathroom getting ready, I went on her PC, found the guy’s photo on the company website and made it her desktop background. Then I tabbed back to whatever program she had been using so she wouldn’t notice right away. She comes back. Guy arrives for the meeting. They’re talking away for about ten minutes before she goes to check something on the computer and just let an enormous shriek out of her and goes bright red when she sees the desktop.
In a way, that prank almost worked too well. Because her shock was so obviously genuine, it was obvious she was the victim of a prank (rather than a crazy stalker, which is what I was aiming for.)
9. plant evil questions in their lectures and tutorials, seeding them to students we have in common.
I’ve been doing it for years, and they have no idea it’s happening. They’re just constantly baffled that the same kids each year keep asking obscure, graduate-level, often borderline unanswerable questions in person, but never quite manage that level of insight in their writing.
10. just keep handing them random items. 99% of the time they’ll keep accepting.
Or I’ll stare at a spot slightly above their eye, like they have a booger on their face or something.
Or I’ll slowly back up as we talk, see how far I can get them to follow me before they catch on.
11. On a windows machine, go into the mouse settings and enable “Click Lock”.
This changes a primary button click into a toggle on/off instead of the standard press and release for highlighting and click and drag operations.
It’s infuriating as hell and obscure enough that most people assume the mouse is broken and will request a new one. The new one will do it too.
Or just microwave some fish.
12. This is only to my bosses, but when I know I’m due for a raise/promotion and they tell me they don’t have budget/I need to wait a while, I start wearing suits to work. Not everyday, but maybe once a week, maybe twice, skip a few, repeat.
Looks like you’re going to interviews during lunch or after work.
13. Grabbed a roll of stickers from the pharmacy that say “For rectal use only” and randomly attach them to pens, phones, staplers, the water cooler.
It’s all good till our director comes in and loses his shit and can’t help but laugh.
14. I’m a 28 year old dude and I used to put up one new kitten photograph in my cubicle per week to see if any of my managers would say anything. After putting up enough pictures to cover my whole cube wall, and no one commenting, I started to feel like I was going crazy. I guess the joke was on me, or else all my managers were just super accepting.
15. If you have few co-workers that run on post-it notes. Seriously, some of our desks look like that Pepe Silva scene in Always Sunny.
That said, I take advantage of this. I do fairly well at copying other’s handwriting. I’ll do my best facsimile of something innocuous or mildly ominous and place it among their other post-its.
My notable favorites were: “Ask Linda about the bees.” and “Knife Parade?”
1. Buckle up – it’s harder for the aliens to abduct you!
2. I love animals, they taste great.
3. EARTH FIRST! We’ll strip mine the other planets later.
4. “Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.”
5. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
6. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
7. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
8. I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
9. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
10. I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Thoughts to Ponder
If people from Poland are called “Poles,” why aren’t people from Holland called “Holes?”
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn’t they be wearing night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is it that the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets it’s picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one?
“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4′s”?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be
Who Knew Television could Teach Us So Much
1. All police killings are in self-defense.
2. Everyone wins in Las Vegas.
3. Good guys don’t do drugs.
4. Nobody ever has trouble finding good parking spots when they are in a hurry.
5. High School students look thirty years old.
6. Women never do housework, but their homes are always clean.
7. Street vendors’ carts are magnetically attracted to high-speed car chases.
8. Everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool.
9. To kill a vampire, you must set out 5 min before sunset.
10. Nobody ever realizes until the end of a monster movie, that everyone that went into that dark cellar never came out.
11. The group always splits up to look for the alien.
12. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will explain the entire plot.
13. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will be stretched out for 20 minutes with commercials.
14. The crazed killer always steps out from behind the door without the victim seeing or hearing him until he is about to drive a huge carving knife or pitchfork into them.
15. Whenever someone hears a noise in the dark they always have to check it out.
16. The crazed killer always walks and still catches the running person he wants to kill.
17. All people chasing someone can catch up to a constant distance behind them quickly, but can’t use that speed to actually catch the person they’re chasing.
18. No-one ever locks a car when they get out of it (even in New York).
Hilariously Weird Things Parents Have Actually Said To Their Kids
1. “We don’t use our penis to play with the iPad.”
2. “Get that onion out of your pants!”
3. “Poop goes in the toilet, not on windows!”
4. “No twerking in the shower!”
5. “Please use your indoor scream.”
6. “Get the lizard out of your mouth.”
7. “Don’t put your binky in the dog’s butt.”
8. “Boogers aren’t good presents.”
9. “Stop rubbing mashed potatoes on your brother’s nipples!”
10. “Please get your feet out of the popcorn.”
11. “Don’t drink your bath water!”
12. “Stop petting the dog with your quesadilla!”
13. “Peeing on your brother in the tub is not helping him take a shower.”
14. “Cheese is not a bookmark.”
15. “We don’t chase friends with our butts.”
16. “You aren’t going anywhere until you figure out where that smell in your room is coming from.”
17. “Hooray, it’s the weekend! Oh wait, I’m a mom/dad.”