If Beer Ads Were Forced To Be Honest
Harry Met Sally Orgasm
Hollywood Squares
These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares’ game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years…
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
Be an Organ Donor
Here’s one from the Emergency nurses association:
Be an organ donor . . . Unbuckle!
Cat Diary
Day 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Day 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair . . . must try this on their bed.
Day 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
Day 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was . . . Hmmm. Not working according to plan . . .
Day 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foaming chemical called “shampoo”. What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
Day 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer”. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies”. Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
Day 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time . . .
Controversial Diagnosis
A patient complained to his doctor, “I’ve been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis.”
The doctor calmly replied, “Just wait until the autopsy, then they’ll see that I was right.”
Top 20 Things To Do In A Drive-Thru
1. Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order
2. Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for.
3. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.
4. Go to McDonald’s and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said “May I take your order?”
12. When asked if they can take your order say “No, why can I take yours?”
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
14. Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That’s it.
17. Don’t order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don’t break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.
I Love Upstate New York
Aug. 12
Moved to our new home in Upstate New York. It is so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic and I can hardly wait to see snow covering them.
Oct. 14
Upstate New York is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so graceful and surely the most wonderful animal on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here.
Nov. 11
Deer season will start soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.
Dec. 2
It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won), and when the snow plow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Upstate New York.
Dec. 12
More snow last night. I love it. The snow plow did his trick on the driveway again.
Dec. 19
More snow last night. Couldn’t get out of the driveway to get to work. I’m exhausted from shoveling. *&^)@| snow plow!
Dec. 22
More of that white crap fell last night. I’ve got blisters from shoveling! I think the snow plow waits around the curve until I’m done shoveling. Idiot!
Dec. 25
Merry *!$%@:|* Christmas. More damned snow. If I ever get my hands on that SOB who drives the snow plow I swear I’ll kill him. Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on the roads to melt the ice.
Dec. 27
More white crap last night. Been inside for 3 days, except for shoveling the driveway every time the snow plow goes by. Can’t go anywhere; the car is stuck in a mountain of white *$%@:|*. The weatherman says to expect another 10″ of snow again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10″ is?
Dec. 28
The weatherman was wrong. We got 34″ this time. At this rate it won’t melt until summer. The snow plow got stuck up the road and that SOB came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovels shoveling all the stuff he had pushed into my driveway, I broke the seventh over his damned head.
Jan. 4
Finally got out of the house today! Went to the store to get food and on the way back, hit a deer. Did about $3000 damage to the car. Those beasts should be killed! Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.
May 3
Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe it’s rusting out from all the *$%@:|* salt they put on the roads?
May 10
Moved to Georgia. I can’t imagine why anyone in their right mind would live in that God-forsaken state of Upstate New York!
Now You Know What It Feels Like
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK!
Careful…CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!”
The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
The husband calmly replied, “I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
Only In America…
• can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
• are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
• do people order a double cheeseburger, large order of fries and a diet coke.
• do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
• do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.
• do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
• do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
• do we use the word “politics” to describe the process so well, “poli” in Latin meaning “many” and “tics” meaning “blood-sucking creatures.”
Stress Diet
This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.
Breakfast
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast – dry
8 oz skim milk
Lunch
4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie
Afternoon Snack
Rest of the Oreos in the package
2 pints of Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce nuts, cherries, whipped cream
Dinner
2 loaves garlic bread with cheese large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
4 cans or 1 large pitcher of beer
3 Milky Way or Snickers candy bars
Late Evening News
Entire frozen cheesecake eaten directly from freezer
Words of Wisdom
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~ “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.”
– Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.”
– Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
– Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
– George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
– Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
– Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
– Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
– Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
– Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
– Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
– Rodney Dangerfield
Money can’t buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
– Spike Milligan
I am opposed to millionaires… but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
– Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
– Joe Namath
I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon.
Then it’s time for my nap.
– Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
– W.C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
– Will Rogers
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation; as you grow older, it will avoid you.
– Winston Churchill
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty … but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
– Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
– Billy Crystal
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