Friday Fun Stuff – 3-13-26

Summarize Proust Competition – Monty Python 1972

A Day In The Life Of An Enshittificator

Things That Are Hard To Say When You’re Drunk

Things that are DIFFICULT to say when you’re drunk….
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you’re drunk…
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you’re drunk…
a) Thanks, but I don’t want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight?
f) I’m not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn’t – no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I’d hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street

Don’t Be A Chicken

Harold got real drunk one night, Ubered home, and snuck in bed beside his wife…

He woke up at the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said, “You died in your sleep Harold.”
Harold was stunned. “I died? That can’t be right! live got too much to live for. Send me back!”

“St Peter said,” I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as by being reincarnated as a chicken.

Harold wasn’t thrilled, but begged St Peter to send him to a farm near his house. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strutted past. “So you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?”

“Not bad “replied Harold the Hen, but I have Strange feeling inside, like I’m going to explode.

“That’s an egg, explained the rooster. Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.”

“Never,” said Harold.

“Well, just relax and let it happen.” said the rooster” It’s not a big deal.”

Harold did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Harold was overcome with emotion as he
experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg – his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard his wife yell… “HAROLD WAKE UP. YOU SHIT THE BED!”

Actual Marketing Flops

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn’t be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example…

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means “bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax” depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, “ko-kou-ko-le,” which can be loosely translated as “happiness in the mouth.”

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation” came out as “Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead.”

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan “finger-lickin’ good” came out as “eat your fingers off.”

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that “nova” means “it won’t go.” After the company figured out why it wasn’t selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for “tiny male genitals”. Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” However, the company’s mistakenly thought the Spanish word “embarazar” meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that “It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of the desired “I Saw the Pope” in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed “I Saw the Potato.”

Chicken-man Frank Perdue’s slogan, “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken,” got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained “It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused.”

Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means “big breasts.” In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Japan’s second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

JOB DESCRIPTION – MOM

This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, no one would have done it!!!!

POSITION:
Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Momma, Ma

JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT &PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

Over Sixty

Cowboy: “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.”
Cashier: “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
Cowboy: “Nah… She’s purty good lookin’…..”
When you are over sixty who gives a shit…………

***********
This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, “Is that Corona or Bud?”
I said, “There’s a tap underneath; taste it and find out.”
When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
“Really” she said, “Go on then…try.”
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, “Come on, what day was I born?”
I said, “Yesterday.”
When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

***********
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, “Nice legs.”
The girl giggled and said with a smile, “Do you really think so.”
I said, “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. ”
When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

Spell What Your Father Does

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.

She explained: “I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing ne would give us all if he was here today.”

The first student raised her hand to volunteer. “Marcy,” the teacher said. “You may go first.”
Marcy replied, “My father is a banker. B-A-N-KLE-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny.” The teacher said, “Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?”

Kevin stood up and announced, “My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie.” “Very good,” the teacher told Kevin.

Jett was next, and he said, “My father is an accountant A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no…”

Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.

Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.

Johnny said, “My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jett ain’t never gonna spell “accountant.”

Quotes From Steven Wright

If you’re not familiar with the works of Steven Wright, he’s the famous erudite scientist who once said: “I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen… and replaced by exact duplicates!” His mind tends to see things a bit differently than the rest of us mortals. Here are some of his gems:

1- I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2- Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
3- Half the people you know are below average.
4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12- OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
13- How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16- When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good.
20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23- My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25- If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27- Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.
34- If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

What’s The Moral?

The teacher assigned her fifth graders to get a parent to tell them a story with a moral. The next day, the kids shared the usual “Spilled Milk” and “Pennies Saved” tales until only Janie was left.

“Janie, do you have a story?” the teacher asked. “Yes, ma’am. My daddy told me about mommy. She was a marine pilot in desert storm.”

Her plane got hit, and she bailed out over enemy territory with only a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break.

Her parachute landed her in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them, then killed four more with the knife, until the blade broke, and finished the last one with her bare hands.”

The teacher gasped, “Good heavens! What’s the moral?’

Janie grinned, “Stay away from mommy when she’s drunk”

You Know You Have Had Too Much Coffee When…

• Juan Valdez names his donkey after you
• You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked
• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth
• You sleep with your eyes open
• You have to watch videos in fast-forward
• You lick your coffee pot clean
• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze
• The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse
• You can type sixty words a minute with your feet
• You can jump-start your car without cables
• Your only sources of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low”
• You don’t sweat, you percolate
• You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug
• You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee
• You’ve worn the finish off you coffee table
• The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you
• Starbuck’s owns the mortgage on your house
• You’re so wired you pick up FM radio
• Your life’s goal is to “amount to a hill of beans”
• Instant coffee takes too long
• You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can
• You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar”
• Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position
• Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup

Work Break

TO ALL EMPLOYEES
Due to increased competition and a keen desire to remain in business, we find it necessary to institute a new policy:

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY
We are asking that somewhere between starting and quitting time and without infringing too much on the time usually devoted to lunch period, coffee breaks, rest periods, story telling, ticket selling, vacation planning, and the rehashing of yesterdays TV programs, that each employee endeavor to find some time that can be set aside and known as the WORK BREAK.

To some, this may seem a radical innovation, but we honestly believe the idea has great possibilities. It can conceivably be an aid to steady employment and it might also be a means of assuring regular pay checks.

While the adoption of the Work Break Plan is not compulsory, it is hoped that each employee will find enough time to give the plan a fair trial.

The Management

I’m Sure That’s Just A Coincidence