Every Walmart Ever
Groucho Marx Quotes
1. I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.
2. Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you.
3. He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
4. Room service? Send up a larger room.
5. Now there’s a man with an open mind-you can feel the breeze from here.
6. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
7. I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions. The curtain was up.
8. The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
9. Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
10. Look, if you don’t like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that’s too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can’t find that, you can leave in a taxi.
11. I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
12. How do you feel about women’s rights? I like either side of them.
13. Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
14. From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
15. I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I’ll dance with the cows till you come home.
16. Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
17. Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
18. There’s one thing I always wanted to do before I quit…retire!
19. Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
20. Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
21. Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.
22. If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
23. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
24. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
25. Quote me as saying I was miss-quoted.
26. A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
27. Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.
The Forgotten Anniversary
Ron was in big trouble with his wife. He forgot his wedding anniversary. Naturally his wife was livid. She told him, “Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds!! AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!”
The next morning Ron got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Ron has been missing since Friday.
What a human sees: A beautiful sandy beach
What a cat sees: The worlds largest litter box
What a human sees: A new couch
What a cat sees: A new scratching post
What a human sees: a new pet fish
What a cat sees: A tasty snack
The Polite Way To Pee
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”
Michael said, “Just a minute I have to go pee.” The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?”
Sherman said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”
“I would say, ‘Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’”
The teacher fainted…
Things You’ll Never Hear One Woman Say To Another:
• That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping my husband company while I go for a swim?
• Oh, look, that woman and I have the same dress on! I think I’ll go introduce myself!
• His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I’m happy for them both.
• If he doesn’t let me hold the remote, I get all moody.
• He earned more than I do, so I broke up with him.
• I’m sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned waiter with a heart of gold any day!
• We’re redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him with the color choices!
• He talks our relationship to death! It’s making me crazy!
• Why can’t I find a guy who’ll have a wild carefree night of se x and then just go his separate way for once?
• I just realized — my butt doesn’t look fat in this — my butt is fat!
Dogs And Light Bulbs
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. Then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
Rottweiler: Make me!
Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?
Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls.
Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I’m not afraid of the dark…
Doberman: While it’s out, I’ll just take a nap on the couch.
Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?
Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…
Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs — people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?
Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?
Signs Of Wear And Tear
OLD IS WHEN…Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love” and you answer, “Pick one, I can’t do both!”
OLD IS WHEN…Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
OLD IS WHEN…Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
OLD IS WHEN…”Getting a little action” means you don’t need to take any fiber that day.
OLD IS WHEN…”Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.
Signs Your Online Relationship Isn’t Working Out
12) You discover that “Chesty McBust” isn’t her real name, and she’s dialing in from Quantico, VA.
11) You: Large, hairy man. Your online girlfriend: Large, hairy man.
10) Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as “undeliverable” but as “unlikely to get you anywhere.”
9) After months of shared experiences and emotional investments, she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a Vorpal Sword when she learns you’re worth 45,000 points.
8) “Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again.”
7) Your cyber lover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List.
6) Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable, she lets a reference to cutting her chin shaving slip by.
5) You discover that she has been cutting and pasting her orgasms.
4) You can barely make out your friend’s face in the JPEG she sent because she’s obscured by her 25 cats.
3) He claims to be the richest man in the world, but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company.
2) Since her first e-mail, Make.Money.Fastfirstname.lastname@example.org has become cold and distant.
1) In an ironic twist of fate, you discover that the object of your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old, rather than the geeky 14 year old boy she’d pretended to be.
Prison Vs. Housewives
In prison, you get three square meals a day.
At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.
In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.
At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can’t sleep without his latest lego creation.
In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even.
At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.
In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.
At home, you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years.
In prison, all your medical care is free.
At home, you have to pawn your mother’s silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.
In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.
At home, you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.
In prison, you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day.
At home, you get to clean your space and everyone else’s space, too, and what the heck is free time again?
In prison, you get your own personal toilet.
At home, you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you’re done so you can do something for them.
In prison, the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.
At home, you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else’s, and get yelled at because somebody’s favorite shirt isn’t clean.
In prison, they take you everywhere you need to go.
At home, you take everybody else where they need to go.
In prison, the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing.
At home, you have to lug around everybody else’s stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.
In prison, there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn’t.
At home….stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?
Real Life ‘Dilbert-type’ Managers
“My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn’t edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.” (CIO of Dell Computers)
Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.” (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.” (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
“We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.” (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
We recently received a memo from senior management saying: “This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above.” (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company’s training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the “pedagogical approach” used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director’s office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn’t stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word “pedagogical” circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
“As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.”
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
“What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.”
(Lykes Lines Shipping)
“E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.”
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
“This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.”
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
“Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.”
(Plant manager, Delco Corporation)
“No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.”
R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)