The Election Is Over, Time To Choke It Down
Superheroes React To Donald Trump Victory
Tweeted Reactions To The Election
Ok guys fess up, who went back in time and gave Donald Trump a 2016 sports almanac?
Britain: Brexit is the stupidest most self-destructive act a country could undertake.
USA: Hold my beer.
Know what makes America better than any other country?
Wanna know our “superpower”?
We can un-fu(k ANYTHING.
We’ll un-fu(k this.
Make America Great Britain Again!
“Bernie Sander come back!!! You can blame it all on the voters! They were wrong… About everything about you!”
Election night, I was like, “Oh shit, SNL has to hire Alec Baldwin now.” And my bf said, “Alec Baldwin is probably figuring out a way to leave the country right now.”
Canada: No offense but were turning off our lights, and pretending to be at hockey practice.
James Wan, Stephen King, The Walking Dead – you guys need to up your game. Real life just raised the bar on scary.
Hi, my name is the United States of America, and welcome to Jackass!
…and you thought clowns were the scariest thing to come out of America!
Welcome to Xenophobia! Formally known as america. The home of fear and bigotry.
We survived 8 years of Bush. We can survive 4 years of Trump. Laugh at the darkness and go easy on yourselves, okay?
“Let us have faith in each other. Let us not grow weary. Let us not lose heart. For there are more seasons to come and…more work to do.” – Hillary Clinton
10 Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving But Aren’t
1. Reach in and grab the giblets.
2. Whew! That’s one terrific spread!
3. I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.
4. Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist.
5. Talk about huge breasts!
6. “And he forces his way into the end zone!”
7. She’s 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down.
8. It’s Cool Whip time!
9. If I don’t unbuckle my pants, I’m going to burst!
10. It must be broken, ’cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out.
How To Cook A Turkey
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out
You Burnt The Bird?
A Dozen Reasons to Be Thankful!
• Salmonella won’t be a concern
• No one will overeat.
• Everyone will think it’s Cajun Blackened.
• Uninvited guests will think twice next year.
• Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newly found appreciation.
• Pets won’t pester you for scraps.
• The smoke alarm was due for a test.
• Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.
• After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.
• The less turkey Uncle George eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.
• You’ll get to the desserts quicker.
• You won’t have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.
Things To Do To Liven Up Thanksgiving Dinner
1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your “shake” back to the table. Announce that it’s the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.
2. When everyone goes around to say what they are Thankful for, say, “I’m thankful I didn’t get caught” and refuse to say anything more.
3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad’s not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.
4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.
5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, “See mom, I told you they wouldn’t notice that the Turkey was past expiration date. You were worried for nothing.”
Ten Reasons Thanksgiving Dinner Is Better Than Sex
10. You’re sure to get at least one of your favorite dishes.
9. The turkey never suffers from modesty.
8. You can nibble before dinner even if mom sees you.
7. You are expected to pass the dishes around.
6. There are always at least two kinds of desert, with or without whipped cream.
5. They give you the day off WITH pay to have dinner.
4. Thanksgiving dinner is a “sure” thing.
3. Seconds are encouraged. Take home, too!!
2. You’re expected to fall asleep after dinner.
And the number 1 reason why Thanksgiving dinner is better than sex:
1. You are EXPECTED to watch football BEFORE and AFTER dinner.
A man went to see his priest and stated in a very serious tone, “Father, something horrible is happening and I must talk to you about it.”
“What is wrong, my son?” asked the priest.
“My wife is poisoning me,” stated the man.
The priest, very shocked by this, asked, “”How can that be?”
“I’m tell you, Father, I’m positive she’s poisoning me. What should I do?” the man pleaded.
“Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know,” said the priest.
A few days later, the priest called the man and said, “Well, I have spoken with your wife. We spoke on the phone for almost four hours. Do you want my advice?”
The man anxiously replied, “Yes.”
“Take the poison!” said the priest.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it. So I said “Implants?” She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go “skinny dipping,” now I just “chunky dunk.”
Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ‘Ctrl Alt Delete’ and start all over?
Wouldn’t you know it….Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
Rules For Dating My Daughter
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a pizza, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world sex without utilizing a ‘Barrier method’ of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: ‘early.’
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Cysteine Chapel. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool, places where there is darkness, places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Cricket games are okay…Old folks homes are better.
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic ‘ the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. ‘STOP!’ he shouted in a firm voice. ‘Have you got a license for that thing?’
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. ‘OK’ he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted ‘STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?’
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said ‘On your way, Ma’am.’
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his ‘You-Know-What’ in his hand.
Oh, good grief,’ yelled Ethel, ‘Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again!’
(NOW I DON’T CARE WHO YOU ARE, THAT’S FUNNY!)