Foil By “Weird Al” Yankovic
Great White North: Canadian Education – SCTV
You Know You’re Having A Bad Day When…
• Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell’s Angels motorcyclists.
• You’ve been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
• Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
• Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
• You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
• You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
• Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
• Your income tax refund check bounces.
• The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
• You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
• Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
• You put both contacts into the same eye.
• Your mother approves of the person you’re dating.
• Your doctor tells you that you’re allergic to chocolate.
• You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.
• Nothing you own is actually paid for.
• Everyone loves your driver’s license picture, but you think it looks awful.
• The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.
• You invite the peeping Tom in… and he says no.
• The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
• People think that you’re 40 and you’re only 25.
• When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
• You call your spouse and tell them that you’d like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.
• You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night…… and there aren’t any.
• It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
A Teacher Guessing Her Gifts
It was at the end of the school year, and a primary school teacher from Liverpool was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist’s son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, “I bet I know what it is. Some flowers.” “That’s right,” the boy said, “but how did you know?” “Oh, just a wild guess,” she said.
The next pupil was the sweets shop owner’s daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, “I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets.” “That’s right, but how did you know?” asked the girl. “Oh, just a wild guess,” said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. “Is it wine?” she asked. “No,” the boy replied.” The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. “Is it champagne?” she asked. “No,” the boy replied.
The teacher took one more taste before declaring, “I give up, what is it?”
“A puppy!” the boy replied.
Did Ya Ever Wonder
If quizzes are quizzical…
Then what are tests?
If you’re in hell, and are mad at someone…
Where do you tell them to go?
What do you say when someone says you’re in denial…
But you’re not?
If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything…
Wouldn’t you see through everything and actually see nothing?
How come u can kill a deer and put it on your wall…
But its illegal to keep them as a pet?
Everyone says “OK” to indicate agreement…
But what does OK actually mean?
Policemen deal with unique problems daily…
For Example: How do they handcuff a one-armed man?
If you firmly decide that you’re indecisive…
Which one are you?
If you tell someone they are being judgmental…
Aren’t you being judgmental yourself?
How come no matter what color the liquid is…
The froth is always white?
Can a guy whose real name is Nick…
Have a “Nick Name”?
If Dracula has no reflection…
How comes he always had such a straight part in his hair?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares…
Why did anyone bother to write a song about him?
In France when you ask for toast…
Do you get French Toast?
Why is it that lemon dish soap is made with real lemons…
But lemon juice has artificial flavoring?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and decide…
“I’ll squeeze these dangly things & drink what comes out”
When people in China give a formal dinner…
Exactly what do they call the “Good plates” they use?
If you try to fail and succeed…
What did you just do?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They’re both dogs
Are zebras black with white stripes…
Or white with black stripes?
What came first, the fruit…
Or the color orange?
If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn’t they do it best…
By not torturing themselves?
And if the above statement is true…
Doesn’t that make us all masochists?
OK, so Humpty Dumpty when splat off a wall…
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say he’s an egg?
Good Night’s Sleep
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.”
“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”
“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him. “I’ll take it.”
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “How’d you sleep?” Asked the manager.
“Never better.”
The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”
“Nope, I shut him up in no time.” Said the Marine.
“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.
“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”
Father’s Rant
My son has a new nickname for me — “Baldy.”
Son, I’ve got a new word for you — “Heredity!”
He’s at that age where he’s got to be so cool.
“Dad, can you drop me a block away so I won’t be embarrassed?”
“You want to be really cool, walk the five miles!”
Being cool means knowing the names of the latest bands. There is a band, no I’m not making this up, named “Garbage.”
“Son, what is that garbage you’re listening to?”
“Hey dad, I didn’t know you were that cool!”
“What is that crap?”
“No dad, Crap opened for Garbage.”
“Son, this is madness!”
“Dad, Madness broke up over a year ago! You’re really not so cool.”
My son’s got rollerblades, a skateboard and now he wants a BMX bike.
“Son, if you want to die let me kill you. I save money and we both get something out of it!”
When I talk to my son about drugs I’m worried I’ll sound like my father. “Son, you can’t do drugs because… because… because they don’t make drugs like they used to.”
Just say no to drugs son, you don’t need the drugs now, you need them when you’re my age, so give ’em to me.
Can you tell I grew up in the sixties? No Dan, you burnt out freak, we’d never know. We were the generation that was going to change the world. Change the world? We can’t even change the clock on our VCRs.
You know you’re getting older when… you look in the mirror, see your father and you think, “You know, the old man didn’t look so bad!”
You know you’re getting older when… you’re listening to country music and relating to it.
You know you’re getting older when… you’re having sex with someone half your age and it’s legal.
You know you’re getting older when… you’re having long and serious discussions about fiber and the word regular takes on a whole new meaning.
You know you’re getting older when… you realize the term joint custody is not about who’s holding the drugs.
You know you’re getting older when you’re not listening to classical music because you like the music, but because you know it’ll be twenty minutes before there’s another commercial and it won’t be for light beer.
I try to listen to classical music but I feel so stupid so when I do. Why do they tell you more than you need to know? “That was Ludwig… Von… Beethoven’s Sonata #7 in C minor… you insignificant little twit!”
Why do they tell you what key it’s in? Did Beethoven write more than one Sonata #7? Was there one in C minor, one in D minor, one in E minor? I’m just listening to it, I don’t care! You figure it out, Maestro!
“So, how was the concert last night?”
“Really sucked man, they played the Sonata #7 in F minor.”
“No wonder man, they were supposed to play in C minor!”
How would it be if modern music was announced in that style? “That was Edward… Van… Halen… performing on lead stratocaster guitar playing JUMP… in A major… you ignorant little speedmetal freak!”
Pete Townsend, to me one of the most macho of rock guitarists, announces in an interview that he thinks he’s a woman trapped in a man’s body. You know Pete, you should’ve died before you got old. Because now when I hear, “Tommy, Can You Feel Me?” I shudder.
They really don’t make rock stars like they used to. Prince has changed his name to a symbol. How do you pronounce it? He’s the only rock star who’s got his own font! “The artist formerly known as Prince, now known as a pompous ass too highly evolved to use a name we can pronounce!“
How To Get Into Heaven
A teacher asked the children in her Sunday school class,
“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?”
“No!,” the children all answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?”
Again, the answer was no!
“Well,” she continued, “Then how can I get to heaven?”
In the back of the room, a five-year-old boy shouted out, “You gotta be dead!”
Sayings That Should Be On Those Office Inspirational Posters:
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
Plagiarism saves time.
If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK…means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
We waste time so you don’t have to.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Succeed in spite of management.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
Lets Bury Our Rivalries
One foggy night, a Yankee fan is heading north from New York and a Red Sox fan is driving south from Boston . While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.
The Red Sox fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, “Man, I’m lucky to be alive!” Likewise, the Yankee fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived. The Red Sox fan walks over to the Yankee fan and says, “Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals.”
The Yankee fan thinks for a moment and says, “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I’m going to see if something else survived the wreck.”
The Yankee fan pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel’s. He says to the Red Sox fan, “I think this is another sign we should toast to our newfound friendship.”
The Red Sox fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, he hands it back to the Yankee fan and says, “Your turn!” The Yankee fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, “Nah, I think I’ll just wait for the cops to show up.
You Know You Are In Southern California If:
• Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
• You make over $250,000 and still can’t afford a house.
• You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
• Your child’s 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, & is named Breeze.
• You can’t remember…is pot illegal?
• You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
• You also know which Brentwood restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
• A really great parking space can move you to tears.
• A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
• Gas cost 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
• A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don’t even notice.
• A woman gets on the bus with live poultry. You don’t even notice.
• You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
• Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
• The gym is packed at 3 PM….on a workday.
• Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S&M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
• It’s sprinkling and there’s a report on every news station about “STORM WATCH”.
• Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
Where Have You Been
A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful attendance the rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the rabbi asked, “How come after all these years we don’t see you at services anymore?”
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. I’ll tell you, Rabbi,” he whispered. “When I got to be 90 I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must have forgotten about me, and I don’t want to remind Him.”
Does It Come With Noise Cancelling Headphones?
What Does Everyone Want On Their Pizza?
Thank You For Flying Spirit Airlines!
Just One Of The Reasons Why We Went Out Of Business
I Love You To And I’m Taking This Out Of Your College Fund
And We Would Like To Pay You Less Then Minimum Wage But We Are Not Legally Allowed To
DAMN STRAIGHT!!!
Sometimes It’s Hard To Ween Him Off The Nipple
Yeh, Ha … Hey Wait A Minute, I Had One Of Those!
Custom Hell! We Should All Have One!
It Ain’t Easy Being Green
