A Tribute To Norm Macdonald
• The early worm gets picked first.
• All’s well that ends
• It take a viking to raze a village
• Everything has an end, but a sausage has two
• An onion a day keeps everybody away
• Jesus may love you – but will he respect you in the morning?
• Early to bed, early to rise, fish all day, make up lies
• Wise men think alike. BUT Fools seldom differ.
• If you’re not living on the edge, you’re taking up too much room.
• The problem with the gene pool is there’s no lifeguard.
• If you can smile when things go wrong, you already have someone to blame.
• Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.
• Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
• Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
• Keep the dream alive. Hit the snooze button.
• Remember: If you don’t sin, Jesus died for nothing.
• Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
• Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
• Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
• Learn from your parents’ mistakes. Practice birth control.
• Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, ‘Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.’
What do you mean?’ said the pirate, ‘l feel fine.’
Bartender: What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.’
Pirate: Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.’
Bartender: Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?’
Pirate: We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, realty…’
Bartender: What about that eye patch?’
Pirate: ‘Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.’
Bartender: You’re kidding, you lost an eye just from bird shit?’
Pirate: ‘It was my first day with the hook.
Modern Stand Up
My wife surprised me with a “baby on board” sticker for my car.
She’s not pregnant, she just has a very low opinion of me.
I can’t believe healing crystals have been around for centuries and nobody thought to call them wiccan nuggets.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying adults who believe in magic crystals are stupid, wait, yes I am.
“I’m not advocating a civil war, but if America was a married couple, it should’ve gotten a divorce by now. ”
I Saw a sign where a nearby lighthouse is.
If you need a sign for your lighthouse, you’re lighthouse fu(king SUCKS, dude.
Every time an anti-masher coughs,
An anti-vaxxer gets their wings.
I love Jewish conspiracy theories. Nothing makes me feel more powerful.
I listen to Jewish conspiracy theories the way single women listen to Beyonce.
I hear someone say they think Jews control the banks, media, politicians, weather, space lasers, and the ice wall at the edge the world.
We use our Heebie Jeebie voodoo to keep people from finding out the world is actually flat, I look to my wife and say, “Baby, why can’t you believe in me as much as anti-Semites do?!?!”
As a straight, fat guy it sucks we don’t have any fun sexual nicknames.
Like a chubby woman gets to be a BBW, ‘big, beautiful woman’. Isn’t that aspirational? It sounds like a royal title. “Here is the Duke and, his niece, the BBW of Wales”
In the straight world, I’m just fat. No nicknames. Just Fat.
And I blame the porn industry. Every site has a BBW category but nothing for my people.
Which is why I think we should either crown ourselves BBs aka Beefy Boys OR take PAWG from the ladies and pioneer sexual cultural appropriation.
I recently got a vasectomy.
The morning of the procedure my buddy told me to break a leg.
I told him if that were to happen, something would have gone terribly wrong.
1 want all of the LGBTQBIPOC people out there to know that I am an ally, okay. I am a teammate. And like most teammates, I care much more about myself and looking good for the cameras than I do about winning or even participating in the actual game.
I’ve noticed the media likes to add the word ‘gate’ to any story about a scandal. It started with “Watergate” then “Nipplegate” then “Deflategate”
I was thinking, what if Bill Gates got crushed to death by the gates on his property and it was a big controversy?
They would have to call it “Gates’s Gatesgate”
Then the government would have to step in and introduce some legislation to make sure this kind of thing never happened again, and they would have to pass the: “Bill Gates’s Gatesgate Bill”
After a show, a woman emailed me that God would judge me for my jokes. I replied, hold up, you think YOU know what God wants, that God loves YOU the most AND you have Hotmail?
It’s one or the other. God doesn’t love you AND want you to have firstname.lastname@example.org
There’s no way God is choosing people, “This is my anointed one. She will not have the ability to attach anything over 10MB.”
Growing up Catholic, I never heard of the Suicide Squad.
We had make do with the They-were-cleaning-their-gun-and-it-accidentally-went-off-stop-asking-questions Squad.
Hinge is the best dating app, cause it’s the only dating app that let’s you specify whether you do pills.
There’s a SECTION for pills under “Vices.” No other app has that.
Tinder doesn’t have a prompt that’s like, “Check yes if you fu(king party”
“Has your back injury become a lifestyle?
“We here at Bumble wanna match you with fellow victims of the opioid crisis”
I noticed a lot of cars can self-parallel park these days. Which makes a lot of sense to me! People were so bad at it, that car makers developed a feature to eliminate the need for it, altogether.
Fun fact: That’s also why the vibrator was invented.
Two Southern Belles are sittin’ on the veranda, when one points at the big shiny car in the driveway, and says, “my Daddy bought me that brand-new Cadillac”.
The other nods, sips her julep, and says, “how nice”.
They rock back and forth on the porch swing a moment, and the first deb speaks up again, lifting her pretty little wrist, adorned with glittery bling, says “see this here diamond tennis bracelet? My Daddy got it for me for my birthday”.
The other one fans herself delicately with her hankie, and says, “how nice”.
The first girl says, “my Daddy sent me to Europe after Graduation”.
The second Betty crosses her shapely ankles and says, “how nice”.
The first Belle asks the second, “doesn’t your Daddy buy you pretty things and send you on nice trips”?
“Well, he sent me to finishing school”.
“What did you learn at finishing school”?
“I learned how to say, “how nice”, instead of “fu(k you, bitch””.
Texting For Seniors
BFF – BEST FRIEND FELL
BTW -BRING THE WHEELCHAIR
TTYL- TALK TO YOU LOUDER
BYOT- BRING YOUR OWN TEETH
LMDO – LAUGHING MY DENTURES OUT
FWIW – FORGOT WHERE I WAS
IMHAO -I S MY HEARING AID ON?
OMMR – ON MY MASSAGE RECLINER
ROFLACGU – ROLLING ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING AND CAN’T GETUP
Mark Of A Great Boss
Please do not mistreat or yell at our crew. They have worked very hard so that Newick’s is still here to serve you. We are short staffed, and things sometimes get backed up and we even make the occasional mistake. If you do run into an issue, please bring it to our attention like a calm adult.
If, however, you feel the need to yell and rant and rave like a spoiled child, please ask for me, Steve Newick (I’m here most of the hours we’re open). Newick’s crew members do not deserve the abuse. I will listen politely. Then, I will not so politely ask you to leave and never come back. It may not be the best thing for business, but we have taken too much abuse over the last year and a half and I will not subject our crew members to more.
Weird Things To Say
• Don’t worry if plan A fails. There are 25 more letters in the alphabet!
• An apple a day keeps the doctor away…if you throw it hard enough!
• Organized people are those who are just too lazy to find their things.
• Hi, I am (your name), but you can call me tomorrow!
• A psychiatrist is someone who will charge you money for answers that you can get for free from your wife or friends.
• If a market is well stocked, is it called the stock market?
• Earth is like the insane asylum for the universe.
• Sure, alcohol doesn’t solve any problems. But then again, neither does milk.
• Barbie is so popular and yet, kids still buy friends for her.
• If you lend someone money and never see them again, it was probably worth every penny.
• Refusing to go to the gym is one of the best forms of resistance training.
• I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it.
• Always remember that you’re unique…just like everyone else is.
• Running in place will get you nowhere fast.
• I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
• The rotation of Earth really makes my day.
• Whatever is eating you must be really hungry.
• LOL has gone from meaning “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say.”
• I promise to step on your feet if you dance with me.
• I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’
• I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
• Is cardboard more board than card or more card than board?
• A best friend is someone who clears your search history immediately after you die.
• I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
• Except for a parking meter, change is inevitable.
Smart Ass Kid
I was sitting on a bus behind a mother and her young son.
Her boy kept looking around and pulling funny faces at me.
After a few minutes, I got tired of his antics.
So, I said, “When I was young my mother told me that if I made an ugly face, I’d stay that way.”
The little shit replied, “Well, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”
Things I Want Said At My Funeral
1. One of the people in this room is responsible for my death…you know who you are…
2. He wanted all of you to know that he’s not funding a buffet dinner afterwards. You get a show, not a meal.
3. He is gone to that place where all lost socks disappear to – the great beyond.
4. His final last words were, ‘The treasure is buried under the…”
5. The family insists he’s not really dead. He is simply playing possum.
6. He asked that you all donate money in his name to the Society of People Faking Their Deaths.
7. The deceased has asked that the remainder of the eulogy be done in Klingon.
8. He wanted you all to know that his wife is cremating him to hide the evidence.
9. This is an awkward time to bring this up, but he insisted that anyone attending pay a cover charge.
10. The irony is he is wearing a suit he never really liked.
11. His last words were, “I set the bomb to go off at…”
12. His final words were, “I intend to haunt one of you, you know who you are.”
13. He has asked that on his tombstone they carve, “I honestly expected this carved on a pyramid”
14. He wanted me to say, “If you are thinking of dating my wife, I will come back you bastard!”
15. The wife has asked that you not poke him to make sure this isn’t a practical joke. She has already checked.
16. His last wish was for a smoking hot body, and it looks like he’s going to get that. Cremation is at noon tomorrow.
17. He wanted everyone to know that a life of avoiding manual labor actually paid off.
18. His last wish was that his ashes be shared with everyone attending today. Your ziplock baggies of him will be arriving in the next two weeks or so.
19. He said that he came into this room with a ring on his left hand and he damn well better leave this room with it, or you’re all going to get frisked.
20. The deceased laid out the agenda for this funeral prior to his death. There will be a break in 10 minutes while the stripper poles are installed…
21. On his grave marker, he asked that the following be inscribed, “I thought there would be cookies”
22. He will be frozen in Carbonite and hanging on his wife’s wall after this ceremony, should any of you wish to come and visit him.
The Human Circle Of Life
It’s strange to work in a hospital.
You know, in one room there’s a father holding his son for the first time, in another room, there’s a son holding his father for the last time.
And then in another room, there’s a guy with a remote stuck in his butt, its the circle of life