Monty Python Flying Circus – Spam – Live
RIP Terry Jones
10 Ways To Know If You Have Estrogen Issues
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You’re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: ‘How’s my driving-call 1- 800-’.
6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from ‘outer space.’
9. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
Would You Get Married Again?
A husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.
Wife: ‘What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?’
Husband: ‘Definitely not!’
Wife: ‘Why not? Don’t you like being married?’
Husband: ‘Of course I do.’
Wife: ‘Then why wouldn’t you remarry?’
Husband: ‘Okay, okay, I’d get married again.’
Wife: ‘ You would? (with a hurt look)
Wife: ‘Would you live in our house?’
Husband: ‘Sure. It’s a great house.’
Wife: ‘Would you sleep with her in our bed?’
Husband: ‘Where else would we sleep?’
Wife: ‘Would you let her drive my car?’
Husband: ‘Probably. It is almost new.’
Wife: ‘Would you replace my pictures with hers?’
Husband: ‘That would seem like the proper thing to do.’
Wife: ‘Would you give her my jewelry?’
Husband: ‘No. I’m sure she’d want her own.’
Wife: ‘Would you take her golfing with you?’
Husband: ‘Yes. Those are always good times.’
Wife: ‘Would she use my clubs?’
Husband: ‘No. She’s left-handed.’
Wife: – silence
Husband: ‘ . . . Shit.’
Manager’s Journal: The Dilbert Principle
By Scott Adams
I use a lot of “bad boss” themes in my syndicated cartoon strip, “Dilbert.” I’ll never run out of material. I get a hundred e-mail messages a day, mostly from people who are complaining about their own clueless managers. Here are some of my favorite stories, all allegedly true:
1. A vice president insists that the company’s new battery-powered product be equipped with a light that comes on to tell you when the power is off.
2. An employee suggests setting priorities so they’ll know how to apply their limited resources. The manager’s response: “Why can’t we concentrate our resources across the board?”
3. A manager wants to find and fix software bugs more quickly. He offers an incentive plan: $20 for each bug the Quality Assurance people find and $20 for each bug the programmers fix. (These are the same programmers who create the bugs.) Result: An underground economy in “bugs” springs up instantly. The plan is rethought after one employee nets $1,700 the first week.
Stories like these prompted me to do the first annual Dilbert Survey to find out what management practices were most annoying to employees. The choices included the usual suspects: Quality, Empowerment, Re-engineering and the like. But the number-one vote-getter on this highly unscientific survey was “Idiots Promoted to Management.”
This seemed like a subtle change from the old concept where capable workers were promoted until they reached their level of incompetence — the Peter Principle. Now, apparently, the incompetent workers are promoted directly to management without ever passing through the temporary competence stage.
When I entered the workforce in 1979, the Peter Principle described management pretty well. Now I think we’d all like to return to those Golden Years when you had a boss who was once good at something. I get all nostalgic when I think about it. Back then, we all had hopes of being promoted beyond our levels of competence. Every worker had a shot at someday personally navigating the company into the tar pits while reaping large bonuses and stock options. It was a time when inflation meant everybody got an annual raise; a time when we freely admitted that the customer didn’t matter. It was a time of joy.
We didn’t appreciate it then, but the Peter Principle always provided us with a boss who understood what we did for a living. Granted, he made consistently bad decisions — after all, he had no management skills. But at least they were the informed decisions of a seasoned veteran from the trenches.
Boss: “When I had your job I could drive a three-inch rod through a metal casing with one motion. If you’re late again I’ll do the same thing to your head.”
Lately, however, the Peter Principle has given way to the Dilbert Principle. The basic concept of the Dilbert Principle is that the most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management. This has not proved to be the winning strategy that you might think.
Maybe we should learn something from nature. In the wild, the weakest moose is hunted down and killed by Dingo dogs, thus ensuring survival of the fittest. This is a harsh system — especially for the Dingo dogs that have to fly all the way from Australia. But nature’s process is a good one; everybody agrees, except perhaps for the Dingo dogs and the moose in question…and the flight attendants. But the point is that we’d all be better off if the least competent managers were being eaten by Dingo dogs instead of writing mission statements.
It seems as if we’ve turned nature’s rules upside down. We systematically identify and promote the people who have the least skills. The usual business rationalization for promoting idiots (the Dilbert Principle in a nutshell) is something along the lines of “Well, he can’t write code, he can’t design a network, and he doesn’t have any sales skill. But he has very good hair…”
If nature started organizing itself like a modern business, you’d see, for example, a band of mountain gorillas led by an “alpha” squirrel. And it wouldn’t be the most skilled squirrel; it would be the squirrel nobody wanted to hang around with.
I can see the other squirrels gathered around an old stump saying stuff like “If I hear him say `I like nuts’ one more time, I’m going to kill him.” The gorillas, overhearing this conversation, lumber down from the mist and promote the unpopular squirrel. The remaining squirrels are assigned to Quality Teams as punishment.
You may be wondering if you fit the description of a Dilbert Principle manager. Here’s a little test:
1. Do you believe that anything you don’t understand must be easy to do?
2. Do you feel the need to explain in great detail why “profit” is the difference between income and expense?
3. Do you think employees should schedule funerals only during holidays?
4. Are the following words a form of communication or gibberish:
“The Business Services Leadership Team will enhance the organization in order to continue on the journey toward a Market Facing Organization (MFO) model. To that end, we are consolidating the Object Management for Business Services into a cross strata team.”
5. When people stare at you in disbelief, do you repeat what you just said, only louder and slower?
Now give yourself one point for each question you answered with the letter “B.” If your score is greater than zero, congratulations — there are stock options in your future.
(The language in number 4 is from an actual company memo.)
Men Are Like…
• Bank Accounts; without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest
• Blenders; you need one, but you’re not quite sure why
• Chocolate Bars; sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
• Coffee; the best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.
• Commercials; you cant believe a word they say.
• Computers; hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
• Copiers; you need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.
• Curling Irons; they’re always hot and they’re always in your hair.
• Government Bonds; they take so long to mature.
• High Heels; they’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
• Horoscopes; they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
• Lava Lamps; fun to look at, but not all that bright.
• Mascara; they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
• Parking Spots; the good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.
• Popcorn; they satisfy you, but only for a little while.
• Place Mats; they only show up when there’s food on the table
• Used Cars; both are easy-to-get, cheap and unreliable.
• Bananas; the older they get, the less firm they are.
• Newborn Babies; they’re cute at first, but you get tired of cleaning up their crap.
• Crystal; some look real good, but you can still see right through them.
• Laxatives; they irritate the crap out of you.
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.
It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy, boy.”
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, “It’s okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the trolley, and Gramps says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William.”
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”
“Thanks lady,” said the grandfather, “but I’m William… the little b@stard’s name is Kevin.”
Good Girls, Bad Girl’s, And Naughty Girls
Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
Naughty girls unbutton your pants
Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Naughty girls wax your nuts@ck
Good girls blush during s ex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Naughty girls do it with whips and chains
Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don’t wear any
Naughty girls don’t really give a sh!t
Good girls think they’re not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they’re fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
Naughty girls want a “pearl necklace”
Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms
Naughty girls pack their v!brators
Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
Naughty girls get their rich boyfriends to pay for it
Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed
Naughty girls make you wear high heels
Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place
Naughty girls have s ex all over the place
Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters
Naughty girls add some new chapters in the Kama Sutra
Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?
Naughty girls don’t say anything; they just moan and scream a lot.
Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.
Naughty girls go to the party, hit on every guy there and then go home with two of them.
1. Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
2. When I married Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always.
3. My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver’s test–the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.
4. There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
5. Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
6. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
8. Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
9. Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
10. Was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
11. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
12. The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don’t have to mow it.
13. I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.
14. Was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it
15. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
16. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
17. If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
18. Money is the root of all wealth.
19. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
How To Start A Fight
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…..
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Se x?’
‘No,’ she answered. I then said,
‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes.’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started…..
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed,
“He’s my old boyfriend…. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started…
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started…
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started…
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started……
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office…
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’
And then the fight started…
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
And then the fight started……..
The Moral Of The Story
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Jamie was left.
“Jamie, do you have a story to share?’
”Yes ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
”Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher. ‘What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
“Stay away from Mommy when she’s been drinking”
Q&A Lawyer Jokes
Q: What’s wrong with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don’t think they’re funny and other people don’t think they’re jokes.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.
Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: A party.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?
A: Your honor.
Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
A: Just say, “Fees!”
Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side and then on the other.
Q: What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?
A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that’s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.
Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.
Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.
Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea Clinton
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.