How Guys Will Use Google Glass
Children’s Books You Will Never See:
• “You Were an Accident”
• “Strangers Have the Best Candy”
• “The Little Sissy Who Snitched”
• “Some Kittens Can Fly!”
• “How to Dress Sexy for Grownups”
• “Getting More Chocolate on Your Face”
• “Where Would You Like to Be Buried?”
• “Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her”
• “The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Wild Animals of North Amer…Hey! Let’s Go Ride Our Bikes!”
• “All Dogs Go to Hell”
• “The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking”
• “Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia”
• “What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?”
• “Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?”
• “Bi-Curious George”
• “Daddy Drinks Because You Cry”
• “Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver”
• “You Are Different and That’s Bad”
At the end of their first date, a guy takes the girl home. Emboldened by the night, the guy decides to try for the first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, “Darling, how ’bout a good night kiss?”
Horrified, she replies, “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”
Him: “Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”
Her: “No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”
Him: “Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”
Her: “No way. It’s too risky!”
Him: “Oh please, please, I like you so much!”
Her: “No, no and no. I like you too, but I just can’t!”
Him: “Oh yes you can. Please?”
Her: “No, no. I just can’t.”
Him: “I beg you….”
Suddenly, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, “Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down and do it. But for crying out loud, tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!”
Q&A Driving Test
The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school:
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, “Guns don’t kill people. I do.”
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave “hello” if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Ten Things You Should Never Say During A Job Interview
Looking for a new job? Unfortunately, you’ll probably have to interview for the position. Here are a few things to avoid in that stressful moment.
(NOTE: Don’t be stupid enough to actually try any of the items below, or you’ll find yourself in jail, in the hospital, or, even worse, in the unemployment line!)
1. Oh, my criminal record? Well…if it helps, I didn’t pull the trigger.
2. If it involves sitting around doing nothing, I’m your man!
3. Are you busy later? I know a great little Italian place.
4. Wait, you wanted someone with at least a high school diploma? Never mind.
5. References? That may be a problem due to those stupid restraining orders.
6. Aren’t you Rachel’s dad? Man, she’s one wild and crazy chica!
7. Do you mind if I light up?
8. Where do I see myself a year from now? Sitting in your chair, actually.
9. Sorry if I’m not up to par this morning…I still have a nasty hangover.
10. Before we start the interview, can I get an advance on my pay? My bookie’s an impatient man.
To: Tech Support
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of the phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker night 10.3 and Beer bash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0, but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?
To: Mr. Powell
This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a “UTILITIES AND ENTERTAINMENT” program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything.
It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than their original system. Look in your manual under Warnings – Alimony / Child Support. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPS’s). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push the apologize button, then the reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPS’s. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.
Viagra Line Of Drugs
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today’s society….
DIRECTRA – a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA – Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA – Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks – especially cleaning up spills and “little accidents.”
COMPLIMENTRA – In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA – Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store’s return limit.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA – This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
FLATULAGRA – This complex drug converts men’s noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
FLYAGRA – This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
PRYAGRA – About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into “special prosecutors.”
• A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
• An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
• Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
• Cat’s motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
• Although cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
• Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
• Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
• Dogs may shed, but cats shred.
• Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful
• I had to get rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.
• I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
• I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?
• If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.
• In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
• No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
• Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
• Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
• Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
• We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?
• When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
• Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games.
In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
The son replied, “When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States….”
Read the following statements and the amazing conclusion:
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is Golf.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
• ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
• BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
• CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
• CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
• COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
• DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
• EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
• GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
• HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
• INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
• MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
• RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
• SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
• TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
• TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
• YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
• WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.