Bill Murray as Rodney Dangerfield’s Psychiatrist
MADtv Inappropriate Car Salesman
Cool Things To Do In A Shower Stall
1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, “I didn’t know I had one of THOSE!”
2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure you clothes get all wet & soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed all over.
3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.
4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luthor’s evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower.
5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim “Ow, you know, it really hurts when you pop one of those.” Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.
6. Look over the edge to the person showering next to you, giggle, and then return to your side, whistling the tune “It’s a Small World After All.”
7. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall returns it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in it.
8. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your stomach.
9. Bring a chunk of sodium metal. Leave it in the stall for the next person showering.
10. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the ground.
11. Hang up the names of different farm animals in the stalls. Have everyone entering the stalls join you in a rendition of “Old McDonald Had A Farm”, making the sound of their animal in the stall.
12. Take your shower like normal, and then begin screaming that the Communists are taking over. Bang battle sounds, including bombs, bazookas, and tanks. Towards the end, wearily declared victory. Leave wounded.
13. Blow bubbles. Exclaim that you are dissolving.
14. Coat the floor in a fine layer of quick-drying cement.
Your From Where?
I was sitting at a bar in London once when I spotted two very large women sitting across from me. Bored as I was, I listened to their conversation and realized they speak with accents.
I said, “Cool accents, are you two ladies from Scotland?”
One of them yelled, “It’s Wales, you idiot.”
Slightly taken aback, I said, “Ok, are you two whales from Scotland?”
I don’t remember much after that.
If Men Got Pregnant…
1. Maternity leave would last two years….with full pay.
2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.
3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem.
5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective, and free.
6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
8. They wouldn’t think twins were so cute.
9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
12. They’d stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree’s.
14. Women would rule the world.
Living To 100
An 80 year old man recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said he was doing fairly well for his age.
A little concerned about that comment, he couldn’t resist asking the doctor, “Do you think Ill live to be 100?
The doctor asked “Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?
“Oh no,” the man replied. “I don’t do drugs, either!”
Then the doctor asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”
“No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!”
“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking or bicycling?
“No, I don’t,” the man said.
Then the doctor asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of se x?”
“No,” he said.
The doctor looked at the man and said…………….. “Then, why do you even give a shit”.
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY”
We have no time to train you.
“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE”
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up.
“MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED”
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED”
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
“DUTIES WILL VARY”
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL”
We have no quality control.
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
“APPLY IN PERSON”
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.
“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE”
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
How To Tell If Your A Red Neck Jedi
• If you hear . . . “Luke, I am your father… and your uncle…”
• If you ever said the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”
• Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
• You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
• At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
• You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
• You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
• The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
• Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
• You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.
• You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
• You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.
• You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
• You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
• You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
• Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
• You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
• You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
• You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
• Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over to the dark side…it’ll be a hoot.”
Below are questions that people “actually asked” of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity.
(Source: Outside Magazine)
Grand Canyon National Park…
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom — where is it?
So where are the faces of the presidents?
Everglades National Park…
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o’clock bus leave?
Denali National Park (Alaska)…
What time do you feed the bears?
Can you show me where the yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
Mesa Verde National Park…
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
What did they worship in the kivas — their own made-up religion?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?
Carlsbad Caverns National Park…
How much of the cave is underground?
So what’s in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this — just a hole in the ground?
Yosemite National Park…
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?
Yellowstone National Park…
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?
1. Yours was an unnatural birth; you came from a human being.
2. You have nothing to fear from my base instincts; its my finer ones that tell me to kill you.
3. It’s your life — but I wish you’d let us have it.
4. Hey, act your age — senile!
5. You’re the best at all you do — and all you do is make people hate you.
6. Don’t you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another?
7. We heard that when you ran away from home your folks sent you a note saying, “Do not come home and all will be forgiven”.
8. You have a good family tree, but the crop is a failure.
9. I don’t consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
10. You are a man who always sticks by his convictions. You will remain a fool no matter how much you get ridiculed for it!
11. We know that you would go to the end of the world for us. But would you stay there?
12. We all spring from apes, but you didn’t spring far enough.
13. Hello — tall, dark and obnoxious!
14. You remind me of the ocean — you make me sick.
15. You should have been born in the Dark Ages; you look terrible in the light.
16. All of your ancestors must number in the millions; it’s hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you.
17. You are so two-faced that any woman who married you would be married to a bigamist.
18. I always wanted to be a trouble-shooter, but now I see you are not worth it!
19. I think Mother Nature really hates you because you remind her so much of all her mistakes!
20. Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was.
The Geography Of A Woman
Between the ages of 18 – 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bush land around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 – 30 a woman is like America or Japan.
Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 – 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 – 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 – 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 – 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 – 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
Top 17 Fatal Things To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant
17. “I finished the Oreos.”
16. “Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs 40 pounds.”
15. “Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby.”
14. “I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!”
13. “Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!”
12. “Darned if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”
11. “Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.”
10. “Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!”
9. “I’m jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?”
8. “Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”
7. “Get your *own* ice cream.”
6. “Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”
5. “Got milk?”
4. “Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”
3. “Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!”
2. “Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water…”
And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant:
1. “You don’t have the guts to pull that trigger…”