Friday Fun Stuff – 1-26-24

Does Your House Have A Magic Cupboard?

Women: Know Your Limits!

Yes, this was a joke even then.

25 Reasons Why Captain Kirk is Better Than Captain Picard

25. Kirk is a leader, not a follower.
24. Kirk never really got into that kinky “Jumpsuit” look.
23. Kirk has sex more than once a season.
22. One Word: Hair.
21. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
20. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
19. Kirk doesn’t wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch.
18. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.
17. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.
16. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.
15. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess.
14. When Kirk was Picard’s age, he retired from Admiral and took to climbing rocks.
13. Kirk’s first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.
12. Kirk doesn’t rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.
11. Ever hear of a bar shooter called “Make it so?” No? How about a “Beam me up Scotty” then? See the difference?
10. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.
9. Picard hasn’t fathered any children; Kirk — probably millions.
8. Kirk has a cool phaser — not some pansy Braun mix-master.
7. Two Words: Line Delivery.
6. Kirk’s bridge is not beige.
5. Picard likes wimpy violin music — and coerces Data into playing it.
4. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles.
3. Kirk never once, ever, wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on shore leave.
2. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign.
1. When Kirk says “Boldly Go,” he MEANS it!

Afghan Woman

Barbara Walters of 20/20 (USA-ABC Television) did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.

From Ms. Walters’s vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, “Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?”

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation, said, “Land Mines.”

MORAL OF THE STORY: BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN.

Car Adds

IF IT SAYS…………..IT REALLY MEANS:

Rare model……………Nobody liked them when new either
Older restoration….Can’t tell it’s been restored
Needs engine work…..It’s been frozen for 30 years
Uses no oil……….Just throws it out
No rust…………….Body and fenders missing
Rough………………It’s to bad to lie about
One owner…………..Never been able to sell
No time to complete……..Can’t find parts anywhere
Needs Interior………….Seats are gone
Rebuilt engine…………….Has new spark plugs
May run……………….But it never has
Low Mileage…………Third time around
Many new parts………..Keeps breaking down
29 coats hand-rubbed paint….Needed that much to cover rust
Clean………………….It sat out in the rain yesterday
Best offer…………….About what I expect to get
Always driven slowly……….Won’t go any faster
Prize winner…………….Hard luck trophy 3 times in a row
Stored 25 years…………Under a tree
Real show stopper………….Orange with purple fenders
Easy restoration…………..Parts will come off in your hand
Ready to show…………..Just washed it
Top good……………….Only leaks when it rains
Good investment…………Can’t depreciate any more

Expensive Perfume

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, “Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!”

Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, “Channel No. 5, $150 an ounce!”

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, turns, bends over and farts……. “Broccoli – 49 cents a pound.”

New Definitions

Once again The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by circumcised men.

Indians Are Helpful

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a’ so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final ‘Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!’ and rode off.

“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service-station attendant.

“Nothing,” the woman answered. “I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.”

“Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians don’t use saddles.”

Things In Football That Sound Dirty But Aren’t

- The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
- He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
- He’s off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
- It’s a game of inches.
- That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
- When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
- He’s gonna feel that one tomorrow.
- He found his tight end.
- End around.
- He had to stretch to get it in.
- He gets penetration in the backfield.
- He blows them off (at the line).
- He bangs it in.
- He could go all the way.
- He gets it off just in time.
- He goes deep.
- He found a hole and slid through it.
- He pounds it in.
- He beats them off (the line)
- He’s got great hands

The Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly “Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart.”

Nice children you have there. Are they twins?” The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no they ain’t. The oldest one’s 9 and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”

“I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am,” replied the greeter. “I just couldn’t believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart”.

Things You Don’t Want To hear Coming From The Next Bathroom Stall

• Hey buddy, you want half this gyro?
• And…got it! Who says you can’t smuggle a Glock into this building?!?
• Man, if they bombed Syria like this, the war would be over!
• I’ve always found being around running water to be so calming.
• “Restaurant Employees Must Wash Hands.” Hee hee! It doesn’t say anything about the manager, though!
• Everyone just calm down and stop shoving!
• Pebble, pebble, telephone pole, chickpea, Lincoln Log.
• Psst. Hey pal. Just for the hell of it, wanna switch seats?
• Oh God — why did I eat that vending machine sushi?!?

Just an Email Note

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Does It Come With A Muzzle?