Charlie Chaplin – The Mirror Maze
A Message From Corona Extra
Again, you don’t get the corona virus by drinking our beer!
Corona virus symptoms include fever, runny nose and coughing.
Symptoms of drinking Corona include gagging, craving Taco Bell, and waking up next to someone you wish you wouldn’t have.
This has bee a public service announcement from Corona beer.
Social Distancing Pickup Lines
• If COVID-19 doesn’t take you out, can I?
• Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket or are you just happy to be within 6ft of me?
• Since all the public libraries are closed, I’m checking you out instead.
• You can’t spell virus Without U and I.
• Baby do you need toilet paper/ Because I can be your prince Charmin.
• I saw you from the bar. Stay there.
• Without you, my life is as empty as a supermarket shelf.
• Hey babe can I ship you a drink?
• Baby it’s COVID-19 outside.
That’s Just Brutal…Funny, But Brutal
There were these 12 year old boys hanging around. As I got my food and left they were all checking me out like little prepubescent lemurs
Then one of them said “Can I get your number?”
And I turned around and said “Why, you need a babysitter?”
Fun Stuff To Do List
1. Make vanilla pudding. Put in mayo jar. Eat in public
2. Hire two private investigators. Get them to follow each other.
3. Wear shirt that says “Life”. Hand out lemons on street corner.
4. Get Into a crowded elevator and say “I bet you’re all wondering why I gathered you here today.”
5. Major in philosophy. Ask people WHY they would like fries with that.
6. Run into a store, ask what year it is. When someone answers, yell “It worked!” and run out cheering
7. Become a doctor. Change last name to Acula.
8. Change your name to Simon. Speak in the third person.
9. Buy a parrot. Teach the parrot to say “Help! I’ve been turned into a parrot!”
10. Follow joggers around in your car blasting “Eye Of the Tiger” for encouragement.
One time when I was 6 my mom caught me trying to eat pure sugar out of the container so she stopped and said ‘Would you like to have something even sweeter?”
And of course, little naive 6 year old me said yes, yes I would
So she said “smell it first and then decide” and handed me a bottle of straight vanilla extract and of course it smelled like the sweetest thing ever!
So I said YES give it to me and she let me take a huge swig, and this is why I have trust issues.
Things you can say in response to literally anything, when you have nothing else to say:
• As the prophecy foretold.
• But at what cost?
• So let it be written; so let it be done.
• So…it has come to this.
• That’s just what he/she/they would’ve said.
• Is this why fate brought us together?
• And thus, I die.
• …just like in my dream…
• Be that as it may, still may it be as it may be.
• There is no escape from destiny.
• Wise words by wise men write wise deeds in wise pen.
• In this economy?
• …and then the wolves came.
Damn That Guys Got Guts
This boy at Target asked if I would hold his hand because his ex-girlfriend just walked in with a new guy, so naturally I felt bad and held his hand while strolling around Target for a bit.
Then it donned on me, with no other couple in sight, that was the best damn pick up line ever pulled.
Things To Say When Someone Asks Why You Don’t Want Kids
• I promised my firstborn to a witch and realty don’t want to make good on the deal
• Well you can have them FOR me if it it’s that big a deal to you
• I don’t think I could get a good price for them on the black market
• Fight me Helen
• I cant be a better parent than Angelina Jolie so why even bother
• I literally JUST sat down
• Recite “The Highway Man” from Over the Garden Wall
• Kids? What are those? I don’t understand. What are these you…OH GRAVY WHAT IS THAT’?
• oohhh no, I’ve seen Disney movies, I know what happens to mothers
• Centipedes? In my vagina?
• *Angrily*, YOU SEE’? This is just like that episode of SpongeBob! *insert the plot of any episode of SpongeBob in excruciating detail*
• I heard they’re…you know…itchy. Like, as soon as you have a kid. Just totally itchy…Everything.
• I’m an Aries
• Well, we already got an even number so…*shrug*
• I must first capture the Avatar to regain my honor
• I’m allergic
• That’s just what the communists want!
• I’ve been dead for seven years
• Santa didn’t bring me one last Christmas, so I guess it’s not meant to be
• I’m afraid they’ll have bad taste in memes
• It would be unfair to my cat
• I’m chaotic neutral
• Do a long farting noise lasting at least 45 seconds.
• “l don’t want to nave children, I want to stay single, and let my hair flow in the wind as I ride through the glen firing arrows into the sunset.”
How To Know When Your Girlfriend Is Out Of Your League
So my boyfriend is in town and we ordered pizza from Domino’s. He goes to pay for it and I overhear the delivery girl go, “So can I get your number?”
I walk up to investigate because he’s all awkward and stuttering and shit. I ask, “Is everything okay?”
She turns to me, eyes me up and down and goes, “Shit, girl. Can I have your number?!”
My boyfriend is currently sulking and I have yet to stop laughing.
More Sarcastic Remarks
• You have all the charm of a cobra in a bad mood.
• In another age you’d have been burned at the stake.
• Normally I pretend to like you but today I really can’t be bothered.
• Violence may not solve anything but it might make me feel better.
• Bad planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.
• Sure I’ll help you out buddy. The same way you came in.
• Don’t take yourself too seriously, no one else does.
• If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
• You sound better with your mouth closed.
• I’m sorry. What language are you speaking? It sounds like bullshit.
• You have every right to express an opinion sir and I have every right to ignore it.
• Do I think you’re stupid? Well, I was wondering how you manage to tie your shoelaces.
• You do realize that a line of work consistent with your weaknesses is not an ideal career choice?
• I know I asked for a rare steak but a good vet could have this one back on its feet again and grazing in the pasture.
• I’ve met stingy people before but you wouldn’t give anyone the snot from your nose.
• When they ask me to complete the customer satisfaction survey I’ll be sure to mention that you’re a complete asshole.
• I’ve met plenty of stupid people in my time but you’re taking stupidity to an entirely new level not seen before.
• Which part of ‘I’m not interested’ is too difficult for you to understand?
• I could insult you but it would be cruel to pick on someone so lacking in intellect that they cannot defend themselves.
• If that dress you’re wearing is part of a get-noticed strategy mam it’s working I can assure you.
• When I look at you I can see that the lights are on but no one’s home.
• I didn’t realize someone could be annoying at first sight …… until now!
• If I wrote down every intelligent thought you’d ever had it wouldn’t amount to a single tweet
• I didn’t say I hated you but I’d certainly unplug your life support if my phone needed charging.
• You’re a low paid gatekeeper in a cheap suit and a polyester tie getting off on your little bit of power. Enjoy the moment buddy. You know you’re nothing and so does everyone else.