You Have To Fucking Eat!
For Heaven’s Sake By Harold Lloyd (1926)
What’s with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking — “Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I’d better carpet the toilet too.”
What’s with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.
Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I’ll just say, “Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly.”
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, “No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?” Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”
Can’t we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don’t they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don’t you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
A Detailed Insult
Ok, how do you politely tell someone you want to hit them with a brick?
One wishes to acquaint your facial features with a fundamental item used in building walls. Repeatedly.
That was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever read
I Hate Bumper Stickers
• Former baby on board
• Adults on board we want to live too.
• The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist
• I believe a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.
• If you can read this, I’m not impressed. Most people can read
• Sorry for driving so close in front of you.
• I’m over 70. Leave me the hell alone
• I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures
• If history repeats itself, I’m so getting a dinosaur
• Buckle up! It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car
• My opinions are awesome! www.websiteyouwillnevergoto.org
• I used to be cool.
• I’m having an out-of-money experience
• I make my own beer! So, I got that goin’ for me… Which is nice.
• There’s no reason to tailgate me when doing 50 in a 35. And those flashing light on top of your car look ridiculous
• I was an honor student. I don’t know what happened
• Honk if I look sleepy!
• Obey gravity! It’s the law!
• After the rapture can I have your car?
• Now the voices are texting me
• Preserve wildlife, pickle a squirrel
• Pass quietly, driver asleep
• Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. – Dorothy
• No baby on board! Durex!
• If money is the root of all evil, why do churches beg for it?
• Sorry I missed church; I’ve been busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.
• Dislexics are teople poo
• I’ve got a perfect body, but it’s in the trunk and beginning to smell
• Stupidity isn’t a “Handicap” park somewhere else
• I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there, and I don’t want to see you everyday
• I think. Therefor I’m single
• Don’t drink & park accidents cause people
• Be nice to your kids they’ll choose your nursing home
• Marriage is grand, divorce is 100 grand
Don’t Laugh On A Bus Or You Get Arrested
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
He seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are Coming” and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling”, and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident”.
I just lost it…….”CASE DISMISSED!!”
Sure Signs It’s Your Last Day At Work
You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, “What’s this?”, you suddenly realize you just dropped the company’s deposit in a mailbox and gave her your mail.
As a woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, “I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one’s your turn!”
Your boss is standing behind you. And it’s his wife.
While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out and you’re the only coffee drinker there.
You return from a week’s vacation to find that you had scheduled “this” week as vacation, not last week.
You take a “sick” day. The next morning the boss asks you, “So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?”
You wake up hung over.
You have a black eye and barked knuckles.
Your underwear is missing.
You’re in jail.
Last night was the company Christmas party.
How To Get Out Of A Blind Date
I had a blind date last night, but before it I was worried what to do if she was really unattractive. My friend told me not to worry as there’s an app for just that situation. It’s called ‘Mum Are You Okay’ and it schedules your phone to ring just after you meet your date:
If you like her, you just ignore your phone. If you want to cut short the date, you answer with. “Mum? What’s the matter? Are you okay?”
It works every time, no worries.
So anyway, I knocked on the girl’s door and it turns out I needn’t have worried at all. She was absolutely gorgeous and stunning.
But just when I was about to speak to her, her phone rang. She answered it and said. “Mum? What’s the matter? Are you okay?”
The Masses Are Ass’s
Everyone who works in customer service never goes back to being a bad customer again.
Tell me about the worst experience you had with a client.
One tried to touch the ice cream WITH HIS CAR KEYS and would’ve succeeded if I didn’t stop him.
He asked me for the bill and, when I brought it to him, he told me I was a thief for charging him so much. But sir, I don’t come up with the prices, you know that right?
A woman bought something from my co-worker in the morning, but she came back in the afternoon to say that she never gave her what she had bought. She said all of this while screaming and treating my colleague like a thief. After 10 minutes of mistreating her, she checked her bag, AND THE PACKAGE WAS INSIDE. She didn’t even apologize.
Once, a person bought a banana, paid me, ate it, put the peel on the scale, and asked me to return the amount of what it weighed.
I gave a piece of ham to a lady so she could try it, but since she didn’t like it, she took it out of her mouth AND TRIED TO GIVE IT
BACK ALL SUCKED, WITHOUT THE NAPKIN I had given hen Of course I didn’t grab it. I was an employee, not a servant.
An angry man made fun of my hairstyle, and he was bald.
A woman came in to photocopy some documents. When I returned her papers back, she mistreated me saying that I was into gossip and had read all her stuff.
A customer began “explaining” to me how to use a tray and saying in front of my co-workers how poorly I was doing my job When I asked him if he had ever worked as a waiter, he said: “Never in my life.”
I worked in a customer service center. On one occasion, I was on the phone for an hour with an American who was shouting at me because he had bought a $5 talc for his feet that had one-day-shipping, but 12 hours had passed, and it still hadn’t arrived.
A charming woman came in to purchase something, but when I told her that I couldn’t swipe her credit card without seeing her ID first, she turned into Satan. She asked for my name and stated that she would take me to court because she was a lawyer. She ended up paying with some coins, which she didn’t just hand to me, Instead she THREW them at me.
A client KIDNAPPED a technician inside his house because he couldn’t fix his internet connection.
I used to work at a bookstore. One day, a woman pulled out a bill from her bra to pay me. It was wet, probably with sweat.
I work at Burger King. Once, a boy asked for some mayonnaise at the drive-thru. I gave him some packets, and he began shouting, asking if I had stock in the company, since I had only handed him 4.
A man told me I was “paranoid” and “judgmental” because I wanted to charge him before serving his ice cream, which we do with all customers. He also said: “Are you afraid I’m gonna leave without paying?” I replied: “No, it’s not that…” and he answered: “Well, I’m leaving anyway.’
I work as a waiter. Once, a girl in her 30s asked me to let her into the kitchen because her boyfriend was seated at another table. They were cheating on each other, and they were eating at the same restaurant. Nice couple.
Not What They Expected
An elderly couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no “after life” at all.
After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: “Kris, Kris, can you hear me?
“Is that you, Frank?
“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.
“That’s wonderful! What’s it like?
“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you’d be proud — lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it’s back to the golf course again. Then it’s more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.
“Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?
“No — I’m a rabbit somewhere in Arizona.”
What I Want In A Man!
What I want in a man, Original List (age 22)
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates the finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What I want in a man, Revised list (age 32)
1. Nice looking – preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I want in a man, Revised list (age 42)
1. Not too ugly – bald head okay
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady – splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers the punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends
What I want in a man, Revised list (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep while I’m talking
5. Doesn’t re-tell same jokes too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends
What I want in a man, Revised list (age 62)
1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Forgets why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
What I want in a man, Revised list (age 72)
So That’s How It Works
I told my son, “You will many the girl I choose.”
He said, “NO!”
I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”
He said, “OK.”
I called Bill Gates and said, “l want your daughter to marry my son.”
Bill Gates said, “NO.”
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”
Bill Gates said, “OK.”
I called the Chairman of the World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, “NO.”
I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”
He said, “OK.”
This is how politics works.