Your Girlfriend’s Six Friends
More Fuck My Life
Today, I thought I heard my little sister playing on my brand new grand piano. Angry, I ran downstairs to stop her. My parents were having sex. On my piano. FML
Today, I found out I have a daughter. How did I find out? She added me on Facebook. FML
Today, I noticed a string was following behind our family cat. After close inspection I realized it was a plastic kite string he partially digested. I had to pull the other three feet of plastic kite tail from his rectum. He purred the entire time. FML
Today, I went into labor with my first child, and as much as I pleaded, I had to wait for my husband to finish his raid in World of Warcraft before he’d take me to the hospital. FML
Today, I was going down on a girl. When I looked up she was texting. FML
Today, I’m playing basketball with my little brother. After jokingly blocking his shot, he turns to me and says “You’re a bitch.” He’s 6. After asking where he heard that word, he responded with “Daddy calls you that when you’re not around.” FML
Today, I was at the mall with my mom. She was pissing me off, so I started screaming at her and causing a scene. I ended up falling all the way down the up escalator. Everyone saw and people clapped. FML
Today, my parents told me about how they met. I’d already known they were eight years apart, but I never knew my dad started dating my mom when he was 21 and she was 13. FML
Today, I found out that my husband named our daughter after his favorite porn star. FML
Today, I found out my little sister was a stripper. At the same time, she found out that when I said I was having a “quiet birthday with some friends,” what I really meant was “hiring a stripper to jump out of a cake.” FML
Today, I found out that my best friend lost her virginity to my father. Her excuse? She was drunk. His excuse? “She’s hot.” FML
Today, my cat learned how to flush the toilet while I was in the shower. His transformation from cute kitten to pure evil entity is now complete. FML
Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML
A Little Beer And Some Philosophic Musings
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple of nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally, I thought about an age old question: is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “it might be nice to have another child.” On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”
Boyfriend 5.0 To Husband 1.0
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Child’s Perspective on Retirement
A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:
“We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.
“They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don’t know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now.
They play games and do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don’t know how to swim.
At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.
My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can’t get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck.
My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.”
If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.
Patron: No, it’s still there.
Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I’m running late now.
[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet.
Patron: Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything.
Patron: Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup!
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . $1.00
Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out…
“Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Johnny Elvis Smith, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!”
What Really Pisses Me Off………
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time….I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can’t eat it?
When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
When people say while watching a film “did you see that?” No tosser, I paid 10 bucks to come to the movies and stare at the fucking floor.
People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
When something is ‘new and improved!’ Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
When people say “life is short”. What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that’s longer?
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here, dickhead?
People who say things like ‘My eyes aren’t what they used to be’. So what did they used to be? ears,
When you’re eating something and someone asks ‘Is that nice?’ No it’s really revolting – I always eat stuff I hate.
People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
McDonald’s staff who pretend they don’t understand you unless you insert the ‘Mc’ before the item you are ordering…..It’s has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks……….Well, I’ll get a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fuckin McTosser.
When you involved in an accident and someone asks ‘are you alright?’ Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off
When people say ‘can I borrow a piece of paper I’ll pay you back’ It’s one god damn piece of paper you fucking retards I don’t want it back
When lazy a$$holes abbreviate ‘fucking’ as ‘fuckin’. Why?
Mom’s Brownie Recipe
Here’s a recipe to make Mom’s famous brownies!
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr “no, no.”
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Jr and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Billy again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat’s tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Jr. and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9×13 inch pan. Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy.
Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn.
Throw cat outside while there’s still time and he’s still able to run away.
Frosting–Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar 1 oz unsweetened chocolate 1/4 cup margarine.
Take the %$$&% teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away…far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn’t know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street.
Put Jr. in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man’s front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.
Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven.
TO ALL EMPLOYEES
Due to increased competition and a keen desire to remain in business, we find it necessary to institute a new policy:
We are asking that somewhere between starting and quitting time and without infringing too much on the time usually devoted to lunch period, coffee breaks, rest periods, story telling, ticket selling, vacation planning, and the rehashing of yesterdays TV programs, that each employee endeavor to find some time that can be set aside and known as the WORK BREAK.
To some, this may seem a radical innovation, but we honestly believe the idea has great possibilities. It can conceivably be an aid to steady employment and it might also be a means of assuring regular pay checks.
While the adoption of the Work Break Plan is not compulsory, it is hoped that each employee will find enough time to give the plan a fair trial.
Woman & Cats
I’ve never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.