Katie Gets Busted
The Scariest Things A Woman Can Say To A Man
• Do what you want
• My real name is Ronald
• Its Nothing It’s OK
• Thank God I don’t have balls to shave anymore
• Bend over
• I prefer you as a friend than a lover
• No, there is nothing wrong
• I’m late
• My husband is home early
• We need to talk
• You remember that one time in band camp…
• I just want to be friends
• I’m pregnant
A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try it out anyway.
He went to the teller at the local bank and asked for change.
The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change.
South Park Quotes
Remember these are from South Park, you have been warned!
Kyle: We’re guys, dude. We find something about all our friends to rip on. We made fun of you for being rich for the same reason we rip on Butters for being wimpy.
Stan: And we rip on Kyle for being a Jew.
Kyle: And Stan for being in love with Wendy. And Cartman for being fat. And Cartman for being stupid. And Cartman for having a whore for a mom. And Cartman for being a sadistic asshole.
Cartman: Hey. You did me already.
Stan: Dude, we don’t have any talent.
Cartman: That didn’t stop any of the other boy bands, damn it!
Mr. Garrison: Well, your moms are just upset. They’re probably all on their periods or something.
Gregory: Mr. Garrison, Wendy and I think that was a sex!st statement.
Mr. Garrison: Well, I’m sorry, Wendy. But I just don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried something, I’d be like, HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!
Sometimes lying is okay, like when you know what’s good for people more than they do.
-Rob Reiner, South Park,
Officer Barbrady: You can’t kidnap people and lock them in your basement!
Cartman: They’re not people; they’re hippies!
Cartman: I’m not fat, I’m big-boned.
Stan: No, Jay Leno’s chin is big-boned. You are a big fat ass.
Kyle: Cartman, that’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever said…this week.
Butters: I don’t want to do it if it hurts or if it makes you get all sticky.
Eric Cartman: Come on Kyle. Just because your mom is a bitch doesn’t mean that we all have to suffer.
Cartman: Well God, I guess you got me again, didn’t you? Yeah, that was a good one, God. Hope it made you laugh, you sick b@stard.
Mr. Garrison: Anyway, children, as I was saying, the Hare Krishna’s are totally gay.
Tweek: But what if I’m trying to put on the nose, the snowman comes alive and tries to kill me?
Stan: Tweek, when has that ever happened, except for that one time?
Cartman: Naw dude, independent films are those black and white hippy movies. They’re always about gay cowboys eating pudding.
Stan: We’re not getting on, you fat ugly b!tch.
Mrs. Crabtree: [shouting] What did you say?
Stan: I said, “We’re not getting on, you fat ugly b!tch.”
Mrs. Crabtree: Oh.
Kyle: Whoa, dude.
Stan: I always wondered if that would work.
JOB DESCRIPTION- MOM
This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, no one would have done it!!!!
Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Momma, Ma
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Lets have a look at the evidence:
- No Christmas
- No television
- No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
- More than one wife
- More than one mother in law
- You can’t shave
- Your wife can’t shave
- You can’t wash off the smell of donkey
- You cook over burning camel shit
- Your wife is picked by someone else for you
- And your wife smells worse than your donkey
Then they tell you that “when you die, it all gets better”?
Well no shit Sherlock!….
It’s not like it could get much worse
So How Do You Take It?
A recent study found people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits.
And people who order a quad shot, non fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to be their victims.
Why Did You Miss Work?
As far as excuses go, nothing will ever seem as unbelievable or induce quite as many eye rolls as, “The dog ate my homework.” However, working adults don’t always have the most believable excuses either. When asked to share the most memorable explanations employees have used for missing work, employers reported the following real-life examples:
• Employee’s sobriety tool wouldn’t allow the car to start
• Employee forgot he had been hired for the job
• Employee said her dog was having a nervous breakdown
• Employee’s dead grandmother was being exhumed for a police investigation
• Employee’s toe was stuck in a faucet
• Employee said a bird bit her
• Employee was upset after watching “The Hunger Games”
• Employee got sick from reading too much
• Employee was suffering from a broken heart
• Employee’s hair turned orange from dyeing her hair at home
Still In Love After All These Years
An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when the old woman died. The entire family showed up for the funeral, and every day after the funeral the old man would visit the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there.
The groundskeeper at the cemetery, after two months of observing this ritual, decided to go talk to the old man.
“Hello there. You know, I see you come out here every day to visit your wife’s grave and I just think that so sweet. I was wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you.”
“No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I’d do it myself, but I’d get arrested for indecent exposure!”
Why Some Men Have A Dog And No Wife:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog’s parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”
9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
And last… but not least:
12. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.
To test this theory, lock your wife and your dog in the trunk for an hour…
Then open it and see who’s happy to see you…
Tooth Fairy Form Letter
Thank you for leaving  tooth under your pillow last night.
While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children’s teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:
( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
(x) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy
( ) you were age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
(x) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit
( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit
(x) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] part of skull attached to tooth
[ ] no dental care
( ) other:
Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future.
The Tooth Fairy