Your New Year’s Resolutions Never Change
If Hogwarts Were An Inner-City School
Some Of George Carlin’s Best
“Something is wrong here: War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. This is the kinda work you’d expect from an office temp with a bad attitude.”
“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.”
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?”
“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
“Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?”
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
“How come when it’s us it’s ‘an abortion,’ but when it’s a chicken it’s an omelet?”
“The best thing about getting old is you’re not responsible for remembering things anymore. Even important things.
‘But it was your daughter’s funeral.’
You can even make believe you have Alzheimer’s disease. It’s a lot of fun. You can look around the dining room table and say, ‘Who are you people and where is my horse?’
“Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man… living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.”
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor’s office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist’s desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother’s lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man’s, he said, I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.’
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin’s six-year-old daughter, Kristy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, ‘My mom has some of those, but I don’t think she knows how to use them.’
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. ‘In ten years,’ I said, ‘you’ll want to be with your friends and you won’t go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. ‘In ten years you’ll be too old to do all those things anyway.’
Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. ‘No, no, no!’ she screamed. ‘Lizzie,’ scolded her mother, ‘that’s not polite behavior.’ With that, the girl yelled even louder, ‘No, thank you! No, thank you!
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, ‘Dad, I know babies come from mommies’ tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?’ After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, ‘You don’t have to make up something, Dad. It’s okay if you don’t know the answer.’
Just before I was deployed to Iraq, I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. ‘I’m going to be away for a long time,’ I told him. ‘I’m going to Iraq.’ ‘Why?’ he asked. ‘Don’t you know there’s a war going on over there?’
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn’t know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, that’s the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you’ve seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?’ Blank stares. ‘Well, you’ve probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.’ An eight-year-old girl perked up. ‘How long was he missing?’
1. If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
2. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.
3. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
4. I changed my password to “incorrect” so whenever I forget it the computer will say, “Your password is incorrect.”
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. I’m great at multi-tasking–I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
7. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
8. Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don’t care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.
9. Doesn’t expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?
10. Take my advice — I’m not using it.
11. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
12. I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.
13. Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.
14. Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
15. I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it’s been doing is gathering dust.
16. Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.
17. I’ll bet you $4,567 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
18. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
19. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
20. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Questions & Answers
Do you speak English?
Three to five times a week.
No, no…I mean male or female?
Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
But isn’t that hostile?
Horse style, doggy style, any style!
No, no! Deer run too fast…
Even More Foreign Signs
Bad writing or just bad translations, you decide.
1. Sign in a Vienna hotel: “In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.”
2. Sign in an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: “Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.”
3. Sign in a Rome laundry: “Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
4. Sign in the window of a Swedish furrier: “Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.”
5. Sign on the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: “Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.”
6. Detour sign in Kobe, Japan: “Stop: Drive Sideways.”
7. Sign in a Swiss mountain inn: “Special today — no ice cream.”
8. Sign in a Copenhagen airline ticket office: “We take your bags and send them in all directions.”
9. Sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room: “If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.”
10. Sign in the office of a Roman doctor: “Specialist in women and other diseases.”
11. Sign in a Tokyo shop: “Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.”
12. Sign from a Japanese booklet about using a hotel air CONDITIONER: “COOLERS AND HEATERS: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.”
13. Two signs from a Moroccan shop entrance: “English well talking.” “Here speeching American.”
14. Sign at a Budapest zoo: “Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.”
15. Sign from a translated sentence from a Russian chess book: “A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.”
16. Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire: “Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isn’t worth anything – gas is!”
17. Sign on the menu of a Swiss restaurant: “Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.”
(Women In Charge Of Everything)
WICOE Is proud to announce the opening of its EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN! OPEN TO MEN ONLY ALL ARE WELCOME
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
Losing the remote control – Help line and support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place
Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available
You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If…
1. Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
2. You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Jack Daniel’s.
3. You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.
4. At least one wing of your X-Wing is Bondo colored.
5. There is a blaster rack in the back of your land speeder.
6. You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder.
7. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok… without using the word “chicken”.
8. You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
9. You think that Storm troopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.
10. A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
11. You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force.
12. You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
13. You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.
14. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
15. Wookies are offended by your B.O.
16. You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.
17. You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.
18. The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can’t find it.
19. You have a stuffed womp rat anywhere in your home.
20. Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over t’ the dark side…it’ll be a hoot.”
Unseen Kids Books
“Pop! Goes The Hamster …. And other cool games for microwaves”
“You were an accident”
“Strangers have the best candy”
“The little ladybug that got hooked”
“Some kittens can fly!”
“Get more chocolate in your face”
“Where would you like to be buried?”
“Kathy was so bad that her mother stopped loving her”
“The Wild Animals Book of the Association of Attention Deficit Disorders
“North America – Hey! Let’s ride our bikes!
“All dogs go to hell”
“The children’s hitchhiking guide”
“When mom and dad do not know the answer, they say God did it”
“Garfield contracts feline leukemia”
“What is that dog doing to that other dog?”
“Why is Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet not friends?”
“Daddy drink because you cry”
“The policeman eats his service revolver”
“You’re different and that’s bad”
“Dad’s new wife, Timothy”
“Homemade parachute test using only the pets in your home”
“The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins and the Vice Squad”
“Babar meets the taxidermist”
“Curious George and the high-voltage fence”
“The child who died by eating all his vegetables”
“Start a real estate empire with the change of your mother’s bag”
“The emerging book of human anatomy”
“Things that rich kids have, but you never will”
“The Care Bears attacks some campers and they are shot dead”
“How to become the dominant military power in your elementary school”
“Controlling the playground: respect through fear”
15 Best Homer Simpson Quotes. Ever.
1. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.
2. Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
3. What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.
4. I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman.
5. Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.
6. Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin… but what good does that do me?
7. I hope I didn’t brain my damage.
8. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals… except the weasel.
9. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
10. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine making course, and I forgot how to drive?
11. Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
12. Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!
13. How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.
14. If you don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
15. Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk
Did You Ever Want To Learn How To Dance?
An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.
He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whisky in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, “Hey old man, have you ever danced?”
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No, I never did dance…never really wanted to.”
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, “Well, you old fool, you’re gonna dance now,” and started shooting at the old man’s feet.
The old prospector –not wanting to get a toe blown off– started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands, as he quietly said, “Son, have you ever licked a mule’s arse?”
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “No sir…..but… I’ve always wanted to.”
There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.
Don’t waste ammunition.
Whisky makes you think you’re smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don’t mess with old men, they didn’t get old by being stupid.
I just love a story with a happy ending, don’t you?