Blackadder, The Army Years
A Guy Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess… “Will you marry me?”
The Princess said “NO!”
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
Top Signs You Need To Clean Your Pool
• You know that green tarp covering your swimming pool? It’s NOT a pool cover.
• The kids in the neighborhood ask if they can jump on your trampoline.
• The water’s pH is so high, in vitro fertilization is possible.
• Kids still pee in your pool, but they refuse to get in it first.
• Skipping rocks across the water causes sparks.
• A new algae species attract a Discovery Channel film crew to your backyard.
• The Grim Reaper shows up in his Speedo.
• Dr. Kervorkian was seen filling IV bottles at pool side.
• You haven’t seen that much scum since Mickey Rourke’s last movie.
Questions And Answers From The AARP Forum
Q: Where can men over the age of 55 find younger, sexy partners who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you’re done you’ll have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in The Bible. Is that true?
Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: “And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Egypt…”
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 55-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 55-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 55-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 55-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 55-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: “Gosh, I remember these!”
SMILE, you’ve still got your sense of humor, RIGHT?
Sometimes It DOES Take A Rocket Scientist!
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4-pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer’s back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an bullet shell from a cannon.
The horrified brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.
You’re gonna love this…
NASA responded with a one-line memo — “Defrost the chicken.” (True Story)
Gentle Thoughts For Today:
• Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then poop on your car.
• A penny saved is a government oversight.
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
• He who hesitates is probably right.
• Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
• If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
• The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
• Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘Theirs’
• Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
• Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
• When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
• You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
• One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
• Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . .. . . . .
What Men Mean
“I had a wonderful time last night.”
“Who the hell are you?”
“I’ve been thinking a lot.”
“You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.”
“I’ll give you a call.”
“I’d rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.”
“I’m a Romantic.”
“I think we should just be friends.”
“Haven’t I seen you before?”
“I have something to tell you.”
“The break-up should not start ’til tomorrow”
I want to have sex a few more times.
“You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about”
You are the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.
“I’ve learned a lot from you.”
“I want you back”
…for tonight anyway.
“Want to snuggle?”
I noticed you were almost asleep.
“Do you love me?”
I’ve done something stupid and you might find out.
“Do you really love me?
I’ve done something stupid and you’re going to find out sooner or later.
“How much do you love me?”
I’ve done something really stupid and someone’s on their way to tell you now.
“I don’t know if I like her”
She won’t sleep with me.
“I really want to get to know you better”
So I can tell my friends about it.
Signs In England
Sign in a Laundromat AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE PER PRE-PACKED BAG DO-IT-YOURSELF
In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)
Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.
Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.
Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME
Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.
Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER
Notice in a dry cleaner’s window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.
Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women
#10 – You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9 – You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you’re on the road.
#8 – If you admire a friend’s gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 – Your primary gun doesn’t mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6 – Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5 – A gun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space.
#4 – Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3 – A gun doesn’t ask, “Do these new grips make me look fat?”
#2 – A gun doesn’t mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the Number One reason why Men Prefer Guns over women…..
#1 – You can buy a silencer for a gun!
The Best Lawyer Story Of All Time…Bar None.
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, ‘Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?’
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, ‘First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?’
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, ‘Uh . . . no, I didn’t know that.’
‘Secondly,’ says the lawyer, ‘did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?’
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
‘Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?’
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, ‘I’m so sorry, I had no idea.’
And the lawyer says, ‘So . . . if I didn’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you?
Truths Adults Need To Know
1. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
2. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
3. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
4. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
5. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
6. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
7. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
8. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
9. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
10. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
11. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
12. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
13. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
14. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
15. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!