A Room With A View
Mom, Your Not Supposed To Take The Children’s Songs Literally
You are not a little teapot, honey. You’ve just got my hips. I’m sorry.
Is the old man snoring? Or is he in a coma? Because if he bumped his head and can’t get up we need to call someone. And it’s going to be tricky since it’s raining. And it’s pouring.
What do you mean, she’ll get here “when she comes”? That’s not a time. How can I plan around that?
And we’ll all have chicken and dumplings? All of us? Even you three vegetarians? Who’s going to be cooking these dumplings anyway? Remember that time I made pirogues? No, I bet you don’t remember that.
Okay, someone’s in the kitchen with Dinah. What is this, a guessing game? And no one’s going to be “strumming on the ol’ banjo” in my house. I’m not stupid.
You’re paying far too much attention to that very, very small spider.
No, you can’t put a person in a pumpkin shell. Really, I’m starting to worry about you.
Well nobody asked you to carry a banjo all the way from Alabama.
I don’t care how many of them there are, get the monkeys out of the bedroom!
Again with the old man. Tell him to leave your thumb alone. What the heck is “knick-knack”? I thought he was snoring a minute ago.
A snowman is marching through town? Are you drunk?
What are you talking about, “how I wonder what you are”? It’s a star. You just said it was a star.
GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TREE. NOW.
What are you doing asking a sheep if it has wool? And I hope that’s not the same lamb that’s been following Mary around.
That’s a lot of pressure, telling someone they’re your “only sunshine.” Are your ready to take that step?
What? The bridge is falling down? For Christ’s sake stop singing!
Big Bird Killed In “Angel Dust” Rampage
NEW YORK, 2:55am
Big Bird, the famed friendly muppet of Sesame Street, had apparently gone on a rampage. Several muppets are known to be dead, including Prarie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, and Bert — long time friend, roommate and occasional lover of Ernie.
The bird is now reportedly holding Maria hostage in a five floor tenement near Hooper’s Store. New York City Police and SWAT teams have surrounded the building.
Big Bird, Sesame Street muppet, is reported dead at this hour after an hour-and-a half hostage standoff with New York City Police. Kermit The Frog, Sesame Street Muppet on the scene, reports that as police stormed the five story tenement building where the bird was holding Maria hostage, Big Bird flew out an upper story window at them in a Kamikaze-like attack. Police SWAT units brought down the bird in a hail of automatic weapons fire. Dead are: Prairie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, Bert and Big Bird. There is no information available concerning Maria.
The Professor and his assistant, Beaker, muppet chemists, have reportedly found angel dust in Big Bird’s feed. Big Bird was killed by police early this morning after the bird went on a killing spree on Sesame Street. Maria, taken hostage during the ordeal, had survived unharmed. Three muppets were killed by the bird: Prairie Dawn (a friendly, pig-tailed muppet girl-child), Oscar the Grouch (a green garbage can dwelling grumpy muppet) and Bert (the famous gay paper-clip collector and pigeon friend). Authorities in the area report that the bad seed was purchased at the local Hooper’s.
Police are asking all motorists and humans to stay away from Sesame Street today as tensions are running high among the muppets. Many reportedly are outraged at the tainted food supply and at how the police handled the hostage situation. According to bystanders on the scene at the time, Mr. Snuffalupagus pleaded with police to be allowed to talk Big Bird down. Instead, police stormed the building with deadly results. Ernie is said to be despondent over the loss of his good buddy Bert.
Violence erupted again on Sesame Street at five o’clock this afternoon. As thousands of humans driving home took a sightseeing tour of the scene of Big Bird’s deadly rampage, muppets became enraged. Hundreds of muppets, large and small, stalked the streets and surrounded humans in their cars. In at least one case, ten muppets pulled a motorist from his car and beat him with large, styrofoam letters. Police again arrived on the scene in force. At this hour, quiet is restored — but tensions are very high.
1:47am, the following day.
Police and fire units have been called to Sesame Street. Reporters on the scene describe a nightmarish atmosphere. Furry muppets ranging in size from only inches to seven feet in height are looting Hooper’s Store and firebombing the entire neighborhood. Card board backdrops, props, and storehouses full of numbers and letters are burning to the ground. Muppets are taunting firemen and police from windows high above the street with counting and alphabet songs.
Morning light has brought an eerie calm to Sesame Street after a night of rioting. Smoke rises from most buildings. In the street, lifeless, crumpled fur lies in mute testament of the night of wild outrage. Unknown numbers of muppets have died or been shot to death by police in full riot gear. Here and there, a muppet — still animated with life — can be seen staring at the wreckage, or sweeping vacantly at the rubble. The Count was reported running down the street crying and yelling, “Ten, ten lifeless muppet bodies!” No humans were killed in the rioting, although several people reported rug burns.
3:45pm, the next day
Ernie, gay friend and roommate of the murdered muppet Bert, broke his two day silence today with a eulogy address at a mass muppet funeral. The following is the complete transcript of his address:
“I come here today to honor a man I loved. A man who was loved by millions throughout the world. Bert was a giant among muppets. His paper-clip collection was viewed with awe by many of the world’s leaders. When President Obama campaigned on Sesame Street for the muppet vote, it was Bert who everyone turned to for advice. It was Bert who told us all, ‘Anyone who can hang as many paper-clips together as Barack Obama, can certainly run the country.’
“I also come here to honor Big Bird. Bird was such a loving creature. His large size and bright color alarmed many who first met him, but it was his innocent and curious nature which taught us all to love him. Bird wouldn’t have wanted us to remember him, or to memorialize him, with violence. All he ever wanted was for all creatures to just ‘get along’ with each other. Big Bird has come to a bad end, friends, but it wasn’t his fault. It was just some bad seed.”
More Of You Might Be A Redneck If…
1. You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just “misunderstood”.
2. You’ve ever made change in the offering plate.
3. The fifth grade is referred to as “your senior year.”
4. You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.
5. You own at least 20 baseball hats.
6. You think a ‘cursor’ is someone who swears a lot.
7. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
8. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
9. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
10. Your screen door has no screen.
11. Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
12. Your grandfather completely executes the “pull my finger” trick at the family reunion.
13. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
14. You have a house that’s mobile and five cars that aren’t.
15. You gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end.”
16. Your `huntin dawg’ cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
17. You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
18. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
19. You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
20. You have the taxidermist’s number on speed-dial.
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said ‘nothing’. The reason I said that instead of saying ‘just thinking’ is because she would have said ‘about what’. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would then lead to other questions.
Finally, I thought about an age-old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive reasoning, I arrived at the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is clearly more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.” On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.” I rest my case.
You Know You’re In California When…
• The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
• You were born somewhere else.
• Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
• You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
• You can’t find your other earring because your son is wearing it.
• You drive to your neighborhood block party.
• Your family tree contains ‘significant others’.
• Your cat has it’s own psychiatrist.
• You don’t exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.
• You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
• More than clothes come out of the closets.
• You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
• More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
• Smoking in your office is not optional.
• When you can’t schedule a meeting because you must ‘do lunch’.
• Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
• You’ll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.
• You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
• A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
• You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.
Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up early and eager, golf’s all day long, sometimes 36 holes.
Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet and goes to his car to drive to the course.
Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; torrential downpour.
There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
He returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it’s going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, “The weather out there is terrible.” To which she sleepily replies, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that crap?”
They Were Trying To Be Serious…Seriously
Somehow these signs actually made sense to the person writing them
1. At a Santa Fe gas station: “We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.”
2. In a New York restaurant: “Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.”
3. On the wall of a Baltimore estate: “Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.-Sisters of Mercy”
4. On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: “38 years on the same spot.”
5. In a Los Angeles dance hall: “Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.”
6. In a Florida maternity ward: “No children allowed.”
7. In a New York drugstore: “We dispense with accuracy.”
8. In the offices of a loan company: “Ask about our plans for owning your home.”
9. In a New York medical building: “Mental Health Prevention Center”
10. On a New York convalescent home: “For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.”
11. On a Maine shop: “Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.”
12. At a number of military bases: “Restricted to unauthorized personnel.”
13. On a display of “I love you only” Valentine cards: “Now available in multi-packs.”
14. In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: “Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.”
15. In a funeral parlor: “Ask about our layaway plan.”
16. In a clothing store: “Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.”
17. In a Tacoma, Washington men’s clothing store: “15 men’s wool suits, $10. They won’t last an hour!”
18. On a shopping mall marquee: “Archery Tournament-Ears pierced”
19. Outside a country shop: “We buy junk and sell antiques.”
20. In the window of an Oregon store: “Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?”
21. In a Maine restaurant: “Open 7 days a week and weekends.”
22. In the vestry of a New England church: “Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.”
23. In a Pennsylvania cemetery: “Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.”
24. On a roller coaster: “Watch your head.”
25. On the grounds of a public school: “No trespassing without permission.”
26. On a Tennessee highway: “When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.”
27. In front of a New Hampshire car wash: “If you can’t read this, it’s time to wash your car.”
Punning In A Foreign Language
These are from a New York magazine competition where they asked competitors to change one letter in a familiar non-English phrase and redefine it.
Harlez-vous francais? — Can you drive a French motorcycle?
Ex post fucto. — Lost in the mail.
Idios amigos. — We’re wild and crazy guys!
Veni, vipi, vici. — I came; I’m a very important person; I conquered.
J’y suis, j’y pestes. – I can stay for the weekend.
Cogito eggo sum. – I think; therefore, I am a waffle.
Rigor morris. — The cat is dead.
Repondez s’il vous plaid. – Honk if you’re Scots.
Que sera serf. — Life is feudal.
Le roi est mort. Jive le roi. — The king is dead. No kidding.
Posh mortem. – Death styles of the rich and famous.
Pro bozo publico. — Support your local clown.
Monage a trois. — I am three years old.
Pardonnez-mot. — That wasn’t funny. Sorry.
Felix navidad. — Our cat has a boat.
Haste cuisine. – Fast French food.
Veni, vidi, vice. — I came, I saw, I partied.
Quip pro quo. – A fast retort.
Aloha oy. — Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never know.
Mazel ton. — Lots of luck.
Apres Moe le deluge. – Larry and Curly get wet.
Porte-kochere – Sacramental wine.
Ich liebe rich – I’m really crazy about having dough.
Fui generis – What’s mine is mine.
Visa la france – Don’t leave chateau without it.
Ca va sans dirt – And that’s not gossip.
Merci rien – Thanks for nothin’.
Amicus puriae. – Platonic friend.
L’etat, c’est moo. – I’m bossy around here.
L’etat, c’est Moe. — All the world’s a stooge.
The Top 15 Euphemisms For Impotence
15. 180 degrees shy of heaven
14. Performing with Flaccido Domingo
13. A few parts shy of an erector set
12. Sch-wing and a miss
11. Not rising to the level of impeachable offense
10. The Null Monty
9. Disappointing Miss Daisy
8. Taking the gold at the Lake Flaccid Olympics
7. Ascension Deficit Disorder
6. Bouncing the Check of Love
5. Less-than-Magic Johnson
4. All Doled up with nowhere to go
3. Welcome to Flaccid City. Population: You
2. Serving boneless pork
1. Unleavened Man-Bread
The Top 10 Signs Your Dentist Is Crazy
• He keeps trying to sell you extra teeth.
• His restrooms are labeled “Bleeders” and “Non-Bleeders”
• He pumps gas into the waiting room in advance.
• Does an extensive search for cavities…dental and body.
• He…ummm..licks his tools clean.
• Gets mad when you mention that 4 out of 5 dentists surveyed line.
• When you come to from being under the gas, he’s quick to insist that you wore your pants backwards when you came into his office.
• Wears a necklace made of human teeth.
• Has a grindstone in the office for his tools.
• Insists that a Novocain shot is something that he’ll buy you at a bar if you just go out with him.