Employer Benefit Program
Top 10 Signs Your Employer Cheaped Out on your Benefits Plan:
10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctor’s office include, ‘take a left when you enter the trailer park.’
8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
7. Only proctologist in the plan is ‘Gus’ from Roto-Rooter.
6. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is ‘an apple a day.’
5. Your ‘primary care physician’ is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4. ‘Patient responsible for 200% of out-of- network charges’ is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. With your last benefits plan, your Viagra pills didn’t come in different colors with little ‘M”s on them.
And The Number 1 Sign You’ve Joined a Cheap benefits plan…
1. You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
A Ride In The Taxi
A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
“Mom,” said the boy, “what are all those women doing?”
“They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the Truth? They’re hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.”
The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true Mom?”
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers “Yes”.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, “Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?”
She said, “Most of them become taxi drivers.”
I’ve seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be… Puhleeeeeeeze! I’ve had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you’ll probably relate.
Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life is when you can stand in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.
Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we’re sitting on our biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, cell phone-wearing teenager and think: “For this I have stretch marks?”
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.
Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs McDonalds
Mid-life means that you become more reflective…You start pondering the “big” questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy choice ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice?
Customer Support Questions
1. Describe your problem.
2. Now, describe the problem accurately.
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem.
4. Is your computer plugged in?
5. Is it turned on?
6. Have you tried to fix it yourself?
7. Have you made it worse?
8. Have you read the manual?
9. Are you sure you’ve read the manual?
10. Are you absolutely certain you’ve read the manual?
11. Do you think you understood it?
12. If ‘Yes’ then why can’t you fix the problem yourself?
13. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
14. If ‘nothing’ then explain why you were logged in.
15. Are you sure you aren’t imagining the problem?
16. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem?
17. Can’t you do something else, instead of bothering me?
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk. The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.
He got an A.
• Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
• Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
• It is OK for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save it’s master
b. After wrecking your boss’ Ferrari
c. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game
• Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
• Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move:
Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing machine accident.
• Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend of a friend move:
You’d rather stay home and watch Hogan’s Hero’s reruns.
• If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
• The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
• Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
• No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man (in fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional).
• On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
• While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies’ girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pals’ significant others — low level sports bonding is all the law requires (sorry ladies, it’s called a double standard because it’s twice as true).
• Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one swoosh.
• When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
• It is permissible to order a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach…and it’s free.
• Only in situations of moral peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the groin.
• Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
• Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
• If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem—you didn’t see nothin’.
• Women who claim the “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
• Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.
• If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.
• Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need
• When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hook up with her either.
• You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.
• Always split aces and eights. No arguments!
Getting On The Bus
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, Susan became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to learn that she still couldn’t. Now even more embarrassed, she once again reached behind to unzip her skirt a little more; and for the second time, attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With another smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the top step of the bus. At this, she went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, “How dare you touch my body!” I don’t even know you!”
The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda’ figured we was friends.”
CIA – Computer Industry Acronyms
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
PCMCIA: People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
SCSI: System Can’t See It
MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
DOS: Dysfunctional Operating System
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
PnP: Plug and Pray
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
CA: Constant Acquisitions
COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse.
WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW: What You See Is What You Might Get If You’re Really Really Lucky And All Goes Well.
Birth Control For Grandma
The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.
“Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL Pills?
“Yes, they help me sleep at night.”
“Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!”
She reached out and patted the young Doctor’s knee….”Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks. and believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night.”
You gotta Love Grandmas
How To Be Annoying In The Workplace
• Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
• Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc” them to your boss.
• While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
• Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”
• Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.
• Insist that your e-mail address be: “firstname.lastname@example.org”
• Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
• Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
• Come to work in your pajamas.
• Put a picture of your mother on your business card.
• Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.
• Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald’s Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.
• Plant a hedge around your cubicle.
• Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
• Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair.
• “Highlight” your shoes. Tell people that you haven’t lost your shoes since you did this.
• Hang mistletoe over your desk.
• While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in “Palmolive.”
• Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
• Determine how many cups of coffee are “too many.” Enforce.
• Put your garbage can on your desk and label it IN.
• Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
• Keep strange insects in a jar on your desk in a conspicuous place.
• Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
• Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn’t turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.