My Service Animal Is A Dinosaur
Brutal Insults That’ll Crush Peoples’ Souls
1. I don’t care what people say about you. You’re alright.
2. I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain it to you.
3. I’m not saying you’re fat, but it looks like you were poured into your clothes and forgot to say “when”.
4. I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you.
5. Your family tree must be a circle.
6. You couldn’t pour the water out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel.
7. You’re not pretty enough to be this stupid.
8. Everyone who’s ever loved you was wrong.
9. Somewhere out there a tree is working very hard to replace the oxygen you consume. Now go apologize to it.
10. You do realize that people just tolerate you?
11. Do you get invited to many parties?
12. I’ve been called worse things by better people.
13. You’re as much use as a chocolate teapot.
14. Well I would agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.
15. I love how you state the obvious with such a sense of discovery.
16. Looking at you, it’s pretty clear that Darwin was right.
17. You have the subtlety of a brick and the depth. of a shot glass.
18. I sometimes wonder who ties your shoes for you in the morning
It Would Funny If It Didn’t Hurt Inside
1950 with a high-school diploma: “Here’s your job, which is totally capable of supporting a 5-person family and owning a home.
1960 with a college degree: “Here’s a giant bag of money and a cadre of people to jerk you off for the rest of your life. congratulations!”
2022 with two bachelor’s degrees, a masters, and trade experience: “You might have to just work at Walmart for a while, but at least you don’t live in Somalia or something…..here’s an article by a baby boomer about why your generation is lazy”
Aunt Zelda’s Rules for Jewish Living:
1. Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
2. If you can’t say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
3. The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.
4. And what’s wrong with dry turkey?
5. A good kugle sinks in mercury.
6. Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d’oeuvre.
7. Always whisper the names of diseases.
8. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
9. Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
10. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
11. A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
12. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
13. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
14. If you are going to whisper at the movies, make sure it’s loud enough for everyone else to hear.
15. No meal is complete without leftovers.
16. If you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it. But if you can, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
17. The only good thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.
18. It’s not whom you know, it’s whom you know that had a nose job.
19. After the destruction of the Second Temple, G-d created Loehmann’s.
20. WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
21. Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
22. If you don’t eat it, it will kill me.
23. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
24. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after, how about a nice cruise?
25. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.
26. Laugh now, but one day you’ll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.
27. There comes a time in every man’s life when he must stand up and tell his mother that he is an Adult. This usually happens at around age 45.
Mom’s Coming When?!
Husband: Mom called me and said she is coming in tomorrow and that Her train will be arriving at 4 AM!!!
Wife: She was here just six months ago. Why is she coming again now? Tomorrow is Sunday, I thought I was going to get to sleep in,
but your mom had to come on a Sunday at 4 in the morning?! And of course, she’ll expect me to wake up before 3 to drive to the train station to pick her up!
Husband: Not my mom, your mom is coming!!!
Wife: Wow!!! Mom is coming!! I haven’t seen her in more than 2 months! You’ll have to wake up early tomorrow morning to pick her up. It’s good, tomorrow is Sunday, the kids will be at home so they can play with their grandmother.
Fun To Do List
1. Make vanilla pudding Put in mayo jar. Eat in public.
2. Hire two private investigators. Get them to follow each other.
3. Wear shirt that says “Life.” Hand out lemons on street corner.
4. Get into a crowded elevator and say, “I bet you’re all wondering why I gathered you here today.”
5. Major in philosophy. Ask people WHY they would like fries with that.
6. Run into a store, ask what year it is When someone answers, yell “It worked!” and run out cheering.
7. Become a doctor. Change last name to Seuss.
8. Change name to Simon. Speak in third person.
9. Buy a parrot. Teach the parrot to say “Help! I’ve been turned into a parrot.”
10. Follow joggers around in your car blasting “Eye of the Tiger ‘ for encouragement
School PTA Alternative Fundraiser
This fundraiser is in lieu of sending students home with the task of selling door-to-door, collecting money, and delivering goods. Please help us avoid that by supporting our PTA with your donation and helping achieve our goals to support our students and faculty.
___$15 I do not want to bake, so here is the money I would have spent on those cupcakes.
___$25 I do not want to hit up friends, family, and co-workers, so here is the money I would have spent buying wrapping paper.
___$50 I do not want to walk, swim, or run in any activity that has the word “…thon” in it. Here is the money I would have spent on my child’s “free” t-shirt.
___$100 I really wouldn’t have helped anyway, so here is $100 to forget my name.
$____ I am making this donation to express my appreciation for having nothing to buy, sell, or do except fill out this form.
Name______________________ Phone #__________________
Student Name________________ Grade____________________
Thank in advance for your support,
Bad Pick Up Lines
l. Can you pass me an inhaler? Because you took my breath
2. Is your mom a chicken? Because you’re eggcellent.
3. Damn, how can you be hotter than the bottom of my laptop?
4. I’m thirsty, and guess body is 75% water?
S. Addicted to yes; allergic to no. What do you say?
6. Can you tell me what’s an attractive, fumy man like me doing without your number?
7. Do you like plums? How about a date?
8. I’m from of out of town. Can you please give me directions to your place?
9. I got a pen and you’ve got a phone number. Imagine the possibilities.
10. You must have 11 protons. Because you’re sodium fine girl!
ll. Forget about hydrogen, you’re always the number one element for me.
12. Hey there, can you spare a few minutes for me to hit on you?
13. I’m learning about important dates in history. Wanna be one of them?
14. I was wondering if had an extra heart, because mine was just stolen.
15. I hope you know CPR….Because you are taking my breath away!
16. Do have a name or can I call you mine?
17. Can I call you mine? Because have everything I’ve been searching for.
18. Have you been covered in bees recently? I just assumed because look sweeter than honey.
19. You must be a campfire. Because your supper hot and I want s’more.
20. I’m glad I remembered to bring my library card. Cause I’m totally checking you out.
21. Do you drink milk? It sure did your body good.
22. You must be a high test score. Because I want to take you home and show you to my mother.
23. Your eyes are bluer than the Atlantic Ocean, and I don’t mind being lost at sea
24. I’m writing a term paper on the finer things in life… And I was wondering if could interview you
25. You are the reason…Santa even has a naughty list.
Some Questions Shouldn’t Be Asked
There is nothing worse than a Doctor’s Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, ‘Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’
‘There’s something wrong with my dick’, he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, ‘You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ‘
‘Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,’ he said.
The Receptionist replied; ‘Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.’
The man replied, ‘You shouldn’t ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes??’
‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. ‘And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?’
‘I can’t piss out of it,’ he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Notes From Management
Employees must dry their tears before returning to work.
Save your tears for your pillow folks!!!
We are no longer able to provide water for the team starting Monday 3/21.
We have abused our privilege in doing so.
No isn’t an option when asked to do something by management!
Put An Associate In “Jail”
On Saturday, July 2nd, you can pay $5.00 to put an associate in Walmart “jail”. They then have to raise $25.00 in “bail money” by asking customers and associates for donations to get out of jail.
All the money raised goes to allow them to still get their job done, an associate can only be put in “jail” one time and stay up to a maximum of one hour. Please see a service desk associate for issuing an arrest “warrant” and paying your $5.00.
New Office Rule
For every minute you are late for work, you will be required to work for 10 minutes after 6pm.
For example, if you arrive at 10:02, you will have to stay an extra 20 minutes until 6:20pm
From: Corporate Communications
When the weather is hot please try to hold of being sick or dehydrated until after you finish your route.
Have you ever heard a crack head say: “I have no money, I’m not going to smoke today”.
No. They always find a way. Are you gonna let a crack head out hustle you today?
PROCRASTINATION IS FOR THE WEAK!
All breakage/damage to any stock or property will have to be paid for by the member of the staff responsible.
We hope chat you and your employment with BCB/Surf Enterprises Inc. will be long lasting and a positive experience for you as well as us, however, we realize that it might become necessary to leave your position. If you anticipate resigning your current position, you are expected to give a 2 week written notification to your Manager/Owner in advance of the day that you must
leave. If this is not given and/or you fail to show up for your scheduled shift, these are the following actions that will be taken…
1. You will automatically forfeit any tip money that you may have earned. Tips are a privilege not a right and will be viewed in that way here.
2. Your final pay check will go to current minimum wage.
In addition, if you are terminated from your position at BCB you will also forfeit your tip money for the week and your pay will go to current minimum wage as well.
No employees are aloud breakfast, if caught you will be charged!
10 Things That Require Zero Talent
1. Being on time
2. Work ethic
5. Body language
7. Doing extra
8. Being prepared
9. Being coach-able
While I am out and away to be with family, I expect each and every one of you to SMILE and get things done and make awesome sells.
In addition to the list that T have made, I would also like you guys to write me a report about the nature of DRUGS i.e. *what do you know about it, have you experiment with it, what are your thoughts and feelings about it, do you know anyone that have used drugs? Or on drugs now? What are the side affects? Before and after? *
DO NOT DUE ANY RESEARCH ON THIS!
It doesn’t have to be formal. I’d like this to be turned in by FEB. 29th.
Put it in an envelope with your name on it,
** Part of this will be discussed during our store meeting**
Discussing Pay (salary) is unacceptable. Only person within the company that knows or should discuss your pay with you is the STORE MANAGER. If you feel your pay rate is not acceptable, Please come to Store manger and it will be discussed, Discussing your pay with another employee on or off company grounds is Unacceptable and WILL result in Disciplinary Action.
Sign below to acknowledge your understanding.
Swearing At Work
It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.
Therefore, a list of new and innovative “TRY SAYING” phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
Try Saying: I think you could do with more training
Instead Of: You don’t have a fucking clue do you?
Try Saying: She’s an aggressive go-getter
Instead Of: She’s a fucking power-crazy bitch!
Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
Try Saying: I’m certain that isn’t feasible
Instead Of: Fuck off ass-hole!
Try Saying: Really?
Instead Of: Well fuck me backwards with a telephone pole
Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with…
Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a fuck
Try Saying: I wasn’t involved in the project.
Instead Of: Not my fucking problem ass-hole
Try Saying: That’s interesting
Instead Of: What the fuck?
Try Saying: I’m not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale
Instead Of: Not a fucking chance buddy!
Try Saying: It will be tight, but I’ll try to schedule it in.
Instead Of: Why the fuck didn’t you tell me that yesterday?
Try Saying: He’s not familiar with the issues
Instead Of: He’s got his head up his fucking ass!
Try Saying: Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of: Hey, fuck face!
Try Saying: Of course I was only going to be at home anyway.
Instead Of: Yeah, who needs fucking holidays anyway.