He Said To Me!
He said to me…..I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it
I said to him……You wear pants don’t you?
He said to me……Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him……..That’s a good idea – you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart
He said to me…..What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him……..Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said to me……Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
I said to him……..They don’t have time.
He said to me…..How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him……..I don’t know; it has never happened.
He said to me…..Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him……..They already have boyfriends.
He said…………What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said……………….A widow.
He said to me…..Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him…….Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
So I’m at work yesterday and the mail clerk starts handing out letters from upper management. At this point, I’m thinking “Oh crap, how am I gonna tell my family I got laid off?” Fortunately, I’m only 29 years old. You’ll understand when you read the letter.
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Manager. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can get.
Great, as if I didn’t get enough shit already….
Laws of Household Physics
Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:
1. A child’s eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.
2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.
3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.
4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.
5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.
6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.
7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.
8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.
9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.
10. What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice Krispies.
11. Place two children in a room full of toys and they will both want to play with the same toy.
Even Heaven Isn’t Heaven
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident… The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer…..for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? “What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together FOREVER?”
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “You CAN get married in Heaven.”
“Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering: what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. “What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.
“OH, COME ON!!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?”
You Might Be A Redneck If…
1. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
2. You’ve been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
3. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
4. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
5. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
6. It’s easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
7. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are three of the primary colors.
8. You’ve ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister’s honor.
9. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job–primer red and primer gray.
10. The tobacco chewers in your family aren’t just men.
11. Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire…on her house
12. The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
13. You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
14. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
15. You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
16. Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
17. You’ve been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
18. You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.
19. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
20. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
Why You Should Think Before You Speak
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak – The last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back…
Or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did….
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, ‘How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?’ I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn’t say a word… He knew better.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, ‘I think I like playing with men’s balls’
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, ‘No, I’m just looking at your nuts.’ My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget it.
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving ‘right now’ she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, ‘If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!’ The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said ‘No’. I kept thinking ‘Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me.’ Then I said, ‘Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?’
‘No,’ he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooo, I asked one more time, ‘Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, Bent over, spread his cheeks, and yelled, ‘SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!’ While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any? We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked: ‘So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?’
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Top 10 Reasons You Can’t Find A Job
Let’s face it, finding a good job these days is tough. The economy stinks, folks are getting laid off, and you ain’t got any money. But… you can’t find a job. No surprise, stupid! Here are the top 10 reasons you can’t find a job.
10. Instead of shaking hands, you ask them to “pull your finger.” What a moron.
9. You’re not willing to risk being downsized, since you’re unsure if they’re referring to your pen!s.
8. In your zealousness to pad your resume, you claim 10 years of Java and 15 years of HTML. But what do they know, they still use Windows?
7. After your interview tantrums, so-called “Equal Opportunity Employers” don’t seem to be buying your “Tourette’s Syndrome” excuse.
6. Small-minded employers find “alien abductions” unacceptable explanation for gaps in work history.
5. You can’t afford shoes. Come on, that’s lame.
4. “Slashed co-workers with a broken coffee mug” doesn’t look as impressive on your resume as you thought it would.
3. Too much time during your interview spent discussing your jihad, not enough on how you would perform as the new personnel counselor.
2. You show up at each interview wearing an aluminum foil suit “just in case of enemy attack.”
And the #1 reason you can’t find a job…
1. You list “smokin weed” as a hobby on the job application. And you wonder why they never sent you over for the drug test.
A Montana State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
The young man lowers his window. Uh, yes, Officer?’
The trooper asks: ‘What are you doing?’ The young man says: ‘Well, Officer, I’m reading a magazine…’
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says, And her, what is she doing?’
The young man shrugs: ‘Sir, I believe she’s filing her fingernails.’
Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone in a car, at night at a lover’s lane … and nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: ‘What’s your age, young man?’
The young man says: ‘I’m 22, sir.’
The trooper asks: ‘And her … what’s her age?’
The young man looks at his watch and replies, ‘She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.’
A Woman’s Thoughts On Life
• Your secrets are safe with me, and all my friends.
• I don’t repeat gossip, so listen carefully.
• If I can’t be skinny, let all my friends be fat.
• My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.
• I cleaned my house yesterday, sure wish you could have seen it.
• This isn’t clutter, these are my antiques!
• If you don’t like my attitude, call: 1-800-Who-Cares.
• Discover Wildlife! Have Kids!
• “Genuine Antique Person,” Been there, done that, can’t remember!
• Our policy is to always blame the computer.
• I’m not aging, I just need re-potting.
• Take my advice, I’m not using it!
• Okay! I love you! Now can we eat?
• You know you are getting old when you stop to think and forget to start again.
• Mom, I’ll always love you, but I’ll never forgive you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky.
• I love to give homemade gifts … umm, which one of the kids would you like?
• I have a million dollar figure -but it’s all loose change!
• By the time you find greener pastures, you can’t climb the fence!
• This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.
• Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till the feeling passes.
If you are planning retirement, let me share retirement experiences with you, which I hope will be helpful.
Fifteen years ago my wife and I moved into a retirement development on Florida’s Southeast coast – The Delray/Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-A-Hatchee. There are 3000 lakes in Florida; only three are real.
Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to do all day? Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem. Your days will be eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of your car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where you parked takes 20 minutes. It takes 1/2 hour on the check-out line in Wal-Mart and one hour to return the item the next day.
Let me take you through a typical day. We get up at 5:00 AM, have a quick breakfast and join the early morning ‘Walk and Talk Club.’ There are about 30 of us, and rain or shine we walk around the streets, all talking at once. Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6 AM. After a nimble walk avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity.
My wife goes directly to the pool for her underwater Pilate’s class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR. I put on my, ‘Ask me about my Grandchildren’ T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my black socks and sandals and go to the clubhouse lobby for a nice nap.
Before you know it, it’s time for lunch. We go to Cosco’s to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hairnets. All free! After a filling lunch, if we don’t have any doctor appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.00.
We’re usually back home by 2 PM to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for the early bird about 3 PM, but we get there by 3:45 PM, because we’re late eaters. The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. You can take home enough food for the next day’s lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and Sweet-and-Low along with mints.
At 5:30 PM we’re home ready to watch the 6 o’clock news. By 6:30 PM we’re fast asleep. Then we get up and make 5 or 6 trips to the bathroom during the night, and it’s time to get up and start a new day all over again.
Doctor related activities eat up most of your retirement time. I enjoy reading old magazines in sub-zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don’t mind. Calling for test results also helps the days fly by. It takes at least half an hour just getting through the doctor’s phone menu. Then there’s the hold time until you’re connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget you’re holding, and the whole office goes off to lunch.
Should you find you still have time on your hands, volunteering provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate. Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet tall and they need our help. I myself am a volunteer for ‘The Vertically Challenged Over 80.’ I coach their basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers.
The hoop is only 4.5 feet from the floor.
You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam dunk.
Food shopping is a problem for short seniors or ‘bottom feeders’ as we call them, because they can’t reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods they’ve never tasted. After shopping, most seniors can’t remember where they parked their cars and wander the parking lot for hours while their food defrosts.
Lastly, it’s important to choose a development with an impressive name. Italian names are very popular in Florida. They convey world traveler, uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live? Murray’s Condos or The Lakes Of Venice? There’s no difference. They’re both owned by Murray, who happens to be a cheapskate.
I hope this material has been of help to you future retirees. If I can be of any further assistance, please look me up when you’re in Florida. I live in The Leaning Condos of Pisa on Boynton Beach.