New Year’s Kiss – SNL
New Year’s Fingering
Ok this is just disgusting but here it is!
Top 10 Reasons Hanukkah Is Better Then Christmas
1. No roof damage from reindeer
2. Never a silent night when you’re among your Jewish loved ones
3. If someone screws up on their gift, there are seven more days to correct it
4. Betting Hanukkah gelt (chocolate coins) on candle races
5. You can use your fireplace
6. Naked spin-the-dreidel games
7. Fun waxy buildup on the menorah
8. No awkward explanations of virgin birth
9. Cheer optional
10.No Irving Berlin songs
Where Are You Going?
On New Year’s Eve, Bill was in no shape to drive having had a few too many, so he sensibly left his car in the car park and walked home.
As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a cop.
“What are you doing out here at four o’clock in the morning?” asked the officer.
“I’m on my way to a lecture,” answered Bill.
“And who in their right mind is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year’s Eve?” asked the cop sarcastically.
“My wife,” slurred Bill grimly.
Top 10 Least Popular Holiday Hanukkah TV Specials
10. Babes in Oye Land.
9. A Hanukkah Carol.
8. Jingle Menorah Rock.
7. Levi, the Other Reindeer.
6. Yes, Virginia, There is a Moses.
5. The Little Dreidel Boy
4. Twas the Night Before Hanukkah.
3. A Charlie Brown Hanukkah.
2. It’s Hanukkah Time Again, Charlie Brown.
1. A Special Sesame Street
Ode To The New Year Dieting In January
‘Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I’d never said, ‘No thank you, please.’
As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt – I said to myself, as I only can ‘You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!’
So – away with the last of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished ‘Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won’t have a cookie – not even a lick.
I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore But isn’t that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
Signs You Won’t Be Receiving A Bonus This Year
10. Co-workers refer to you as “the ghost of unemployment future”
9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial.
8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips
7. What you call “my new office,” everybody else calls “the supply closet”
6. Boss’s Christmas card says, “Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out”
5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants
4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under avalanche of stolen office supplies
3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw
2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word “crap” appeared 78 times
1. You’re the starting quarterback for the Jacksonville Jaguars.
New Year’s Dream
Jenna was taking an afternoon nap on New Year’s Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Dave, her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?”
“Aha, you’ll know tonight,” answered Dave .
At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Dave approached Jenna and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a funny book entitled “The meaning of dreams.”
Resolutions You Can Actually Keep…
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year and yet you never keep them? Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish! Enjoy! : – )
10. Read less.
9. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
8. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
7. Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.
6. Procrastinate more.
5. Drink. Drink some more.
4. Start being superstitious.
3. Spend more time at work.
2. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
and last but not least…
1. Take up a new habit: smoking marijuana sounds good!
Lets Go To The Bar For New Years
On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing.
As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
New Year Resolutions For Pets
15. I will not eat other animals’ poop.
14. I will not lick my human’s face after eating animal poop.
13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.
12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.
9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
7. Hamster: Don’t let them figure out I’m just a rat on steroids, or they’ll flush me!
6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.
5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is “too” much.
4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.
3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd – December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
AND the Number 1 New Year’s Resolutions Made by Pets…
1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT’S HAND
The Day After Christmas
Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin’ even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said “U.S. POSTMAN.”
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
“Now Macys’, now Kohl’s, now Saks’s and Bloomingdale’s
Here’s Robinson’s, Levitz’s and Target’s and Mervyn’s.
To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway–chargeaway–chargeaway all!”
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
“ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT……..YOU’LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!”
| And He Should Know, They Still Can’t Find Ernie From Last Year |
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| That’s Tellin Em!!! |
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| Yet Another Reason To Stay Home On New Years Eve |
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| Did You Ever Notice That Alcohol Is Always Welcome |
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| No She Meant Guilt |
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| Hell Yeh I Had A Great New Years Eve Party! How Did You Guess? |
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| Well At Least Your Thinking Ahead |
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| Sounds Like A Plan |
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| That’s The Best Reason I’ve Ever Heard |
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| Well Said!!! |
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