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How Etiquette For Golf Also Works For Then Bathroom
10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick back swing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anybody.
4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.
3. You shouldn’t stand directly in front of others.
2. Be quiet while others are about to go.
1. Keep strokes to a minimum.
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
‘That’s a serious step,’ he said. ‘Have you thought it out completely?’
‘Yes,’ his young son answered. ‘We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It’s right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.’
‘How about transportation?’ the father asked.
‘I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,’ the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, ‘What about babies? When you’re married, you’re liable to have babies, you know.’
‘We’ve thought about that, too,’ the little boy replied.
‘We’re not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I’m going to step on it!’
Woman’s English Vs. Men’s English
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
“It’s your decision”= The correct decision should be obvious by now!
“Do what you want”= You’ll pay 4 this later!
“We need to talk”= I need to bitch.
“Sure……Go ahead”= I don’t want you too.
“I’m not upset”= Of course I’m upset, you stupid moron!
“How much do you love me?”= I did something today your not going’ like me for.
“Is my butt fat?”= Tell me I’m beautiful.
“You have to learn to communicate!”= Just agree with me.
“Are you listening to me?”= Too late, you’re dead!
“I’m hungry”= I’m hungry
“I’m sleepy”= I’m sleepy
“I’m tired “= I’m tired
“Do you want to go to a movie?”= I’d eventually like to have se x with you.
“Can I take you to dinner?”= I’d eventually like to have se x with you.
“Can I call you sometime?”= I’d eventually like to have se x with you.
“May I have this dance?”= I’d eventually like to have se x with you.
“Nice dress”= Nice cleavage.
“You look tensed, let me give you a massage”= I want to fondle you.
“What’s wrong? “= What meaningless self inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
“What’s wrong?”= I guess se x tonight is out of the question.
“I’m bored”= Do you want to have se x?
“I love you”= Let’s have se x right now.
“I love you too”= Okay I said it we’d better have se x now!
“Let’s talk”= I am trying’ to impress you by shown that I’m a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have se x with me!
“Will you marry me?”= I want to make it illegal for you to have se x with other guys.
Wife And Best Friend
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, “That’s quite a heavy drink. What’s the problem?”
After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, “I found my wife in bed with my best friend.”
‘Wow,” says the barkeep. “What did you do about it?”
“I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out.”
“That makes sense,” remarks the barkeep. “And, what about your best friend?”
“I looked him right in the eye and yelled, “Bad dog!!!!”
High School Vs. College
24. No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come.
23. In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in college, on both.
22. In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at the teacher’s guide.
21. In college, there are no bells or tardy slips.
20. In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you get to live with your friends.
19. In college, you don’t have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool.
18. In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.
17. In high school, you’re told what classes to take. In college, you get to choose; that is, as long as the classes don’t conflict and you have the prerequisites and the classes aren’t closed and you’ve paid your tuition.
16. In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way out of it. In college, you’re lucky to ever talk with the professor.
15. In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration; in college, by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars close.
14. In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade than your high school final exams ever did.
13. In high school, when the teacher said, “Good morning,” you mumbled back. In college, when the professor says, “Good morning,” you write it down.
12. In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college, senior guys hit on freshman girls.
11. In college, weekends start on Thursday.
10. In college, it’s much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out where he/she will be walking around campus and at what time to find them there.
9. Once you’ve obtained the information described in #10, it’s much more time-consuming to run between classes to that place where you know he/she will be in order to “just happen to bump into him/her.”
8. In college, there’s no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.
7. In college, your dad doesn’t pay for dates.
6. In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad.
5. College men are cuter than high school boys.
4. College women are legal.
3. In college, when you miss a class (or two or three), you don’t need a note from your parents saying you were skip… uh, sick that day.
2. In high school, you can’t go out to lunch because it’s not allowed. In college, you can’t go out to lunch because you can’t afford it.
1. In college, you can blow off studying by writing lists like this.
How To Torture A Telemarketer
- Ask them if they’ve got beer
- Start speaking in tongues
- Tell them that person doesn’t live there anymore. Give them the number of an adult service and tell them that it is her/his new number
- Tell them that you’re not there right now
- Ask them if they accept coupons
- Start selling them something
- If someone calls soliciting donations, tell them you’re poor and ask for money instead
- Start preaching your religion to them
- Pretend you’re a recording and say “The number you have reached is not in service. Please check the number and dial again, or talk to your operator for assistance. Recording A4.” Extra points for imitating the 3 rising tones at the beginning.
- Try to hypnotize the telemarketer
- Play a recording of a busy signal
- Put on some really annoying music and put the phone up to the stereo.
- Ask the telemarketer if he/she is single. Then try hitting on him/her. Be sure to mention your various medical problems, your fascination with odd smells and your shrine to the Lawrence Welk Show.
- Use one of those voice changers to disguise your voice
- Ask the TM if he/she minds if you talk to him/her on the toilet. Then take a plastic Heinz ketchup bottle and squeeze out ketchup repeatedly (if you’re ever used this kind of ketchup you’ll know what kind of sound this makes!!!!!)
Sports And Professions
The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is basketball.
The game of choice for assembly line workers is football.
The game of choice for middle management is tennis.
The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.
Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you go, the smaller your balls are.
Ten Things A Cat Thinks About
1. I could have sworn I heard the can opener.
2. Is there something I’m not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
3. Why doesn’t the government do something about dogs?
4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?
5. Hmmm … If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can’t we cats ever get these STUPID dogs to do anything for us?
6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.
7. Hey — no kidding, I’m sure that’s the can opener.
8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn’t given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?
9. If there’s a God, how can He allow neutering?
10. If that really was the can opener, I’ll play finicky just to let THEM know who’s boss!
Things You’ll Never Hear A Man Say:
• Here honey, you use the remote.
• You know, I’d like to see her again, but her bre asts are just too big.
• Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That’s one movie I gotta see!
• While I’m up, can I get you anything?
• Honey since we don’t have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
• Se x isn’t that important; sometimes, I just want to be held.
• Why don’t you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
• Aww, forget Monday night football, Let’s watch the Se x In The City movie again.
• Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
• We never talk anymore
Things You’ll Never Hear A Woman Say
• What do you mean today’s our anniversary?
• Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch TV.
• Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
• And for our honeymoon we’re going fishing in Alaska!
• Can our relationship get a little more physical? I’m tired of being “just friends”.
• Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
• Aww, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to get there.
• Is that phone for me? Tell ‘em I’m not here.
• I don’t care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
• Hey, pull my finger!