Friday Fun Stuff – 9-1-23

Dead Beat Dad James T Kirk

https://www.tiktok.com/@themillenniumvulcan/video/7263504071737527598

Mother Of The Year

25 Ways To Annoy The Pizza Guy

1. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
2. Ask for extra homo-sapien
3. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
4. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
5. Ask them if you get a free date with one of the staff if you make an order over $30.
6. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
7. Ask if they’re familiar with the term “spanking a pizza.” Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
8. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
9. Order a one-inch pizza.
10. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
11. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
12. Ask them to not put a band-aid on it this time or you will sue.
13. Change your accent every three seconds.
14. Dance all around the word “pizza.” Avoid saying it at all costs. If he says it, say, “Please don’t mention that word.”
15. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
16. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
17. Imitate the order taker’s voice.
18. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.
19. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
20. Order two toppings, then say, “No, they’ll start fighting.”
21. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say “crazy bread.”
22. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
23. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
24. When they repeat your order, say, “Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.”
25. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”

A Beijing, China Hotel Brochure

A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed. Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English…

Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above all:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.”

Computer Support Help Desk

You can’t help feeling sorry for the poor confused caller who is so lost and all at sea when it comes to computers and technology, but even more so for the poor Help Desk Operator at Tech Support.

Tech Support: “Hello, how may I help you?”
Caller: “I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message.”
Tech Support: “Did you install the update?”
Caller: “No! Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?”

Tech Support: “Hiya, how can I help?”
Caller: “Do I need a computer to use your software?”

Tech Support: “What type of computer do you have?”
Caller: “A white one, sort of beige color.”

Tech Support: “Hi, how can I help?”
Caller: “…..What’s a colon on my keyboard?”
Tech Support: “It’s the actual key next to the ‘L’ key on your keyboard.”
Caller: “How do you spell ‘L’?”

Tech Support: “Hello there, how can I help you?”
Caller: “I can’t get into the database.’ I check the usual stuff, but it’s all fine.”
Tech Support: “Can you go and check if the server is working?”
Caller: “No.”
Tech Support: “What do you mean, ‘no’?”
Caller: “No, I can’t do that.”
Tech Support: “Why not?”
Caller: “Well, it’s not there.”
Tech Support: “It’s what sorry?”
Caller: “They took it away to be upgraded.”

Tech Support: “Hello, how can I help you?”
Caller: “My E-mail doesn’t work?”
Tech Support: “Ok, Could you send me an E-mail to check that your e-mail works.”
Caller: “Ok, what’s your e-mail address.”
Tech Support: “Its ctg@hosts.com” < note: altered slightly to protect real address >
Caller: “How do you spell ctg?

Tech Support: “Hi there, how can I help?”
Caller: “I’m going to be using Windows NT. Should I get the Server or Workstation version?”
Tech Support: “Well, are you using it as a workstation or as a server?”
Caller: “A server. So, which one do I get?”
Tech Support: “The server version perhaps?”
Caller: “Which one is that?”
Tech Support: “Windows NT Server.”
Caller: “Ok, thanks.”

Tech Support: “Hi, how can I help you?”
Caller: “My modem doesn’t work?”
Tech Support: “What can you see on the monitor?”
Caller: “On the what?”
Tech Support “On the monitor screen in front of you.”
Caller: “I can’t see a monitor screen.”
Tech Support’ “Is your PC switched on?”
Caller: “I haven’t got a PC, I’ve just bought the modem!”

Tech Support: “Hello how may I help you?”
Caller: “I can’t make the program work?”
Tech Support: “Have you clicked on the icon?”
Caller: “What’s an icon?”
Tech support: “It’s a little picture on your screen.”
Caller: “Oh is that what it’s for?”
Tech support: “Yes, Please click on it and your program should work.”
Caller: “It’s not working?”
Tech Support: “Did you click on it?”
Caller: “Oh…what’s that?”
Tech Support: “With the mouse arrow on your screen, click on the icon.”
Caller: “Oh that…Yes, its working now.”

A Single Woman’s Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep.
Please don’t send me no more creeps.
Please just send me one good man.
One without a wedding band.

One good man who’s sweet as pie.
Who brushed his teeth and doesn’t lie.
Who dresses neat and doesn’t smell.
And is sexy like my man Denzel.
Is super-rich like Michael J.
On second thought, that’s okay.

Man, if I should die before I wake,
That would truly take the cake;
No matrimony or honeymoon.
No fancy reception planned for June.
No throwing of the wedding bouquet.
Please, God, don’t let me go out that way.

If I die before I meet Mr. Right
I won’t go out without a fight.
But then again with my luck,
He’d probably be just some schmuck.

The single life is not that bad
I know it’s just a passing fad.
I won’t be blue. I will not frown.
Besides, I like my toilet seat down.
No more makeup, won’t comb my hair.
So never mind this stupid prayer.

Craig’s List Adds

Washer. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed — $100.

Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.

Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.

Cows, calves never bred. Also, one gay bull for sale.

Free puppies: part Cocker Spaniel, part sneaky neighbor’s dog

Full-sized mattress. 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.

Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out for a while. Better be reward.

Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once. Slightly stained.

Free Yorkshire Terrier. Eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 – $9 per hour.

Father

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, ‘I am a Father…’

The little boy replied, ‘My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.’

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ”I am the Father of many.’

The boy said, ”My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way!’

The priest, getting impatient, said. ‘I am the Father of hundreds’, and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, “Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar….”

Easy Questions

1. Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child’s name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

8. What was the President’s name in 1975?

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Here are the Answers

1. Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child’s name?

Answer: Johnny of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer:
Mt. Everest; it just wasn’t discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can’t take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President’s name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now – Barack Obama [Oh, come on]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh!]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.

Master Card Wedding

You got to love this guy…

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University.
It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride’s family and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.
So taped to the bottom of everyone’s chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.
He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8×10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests’ reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, ‘Fuck you!’ Then he turned to his bride and said, ‘Fuck you!’
Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, ‘I’m outta here.’
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge–making the bride’s parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride’s and best man’s reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard ‘priceless’ commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000
Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodation in Maui: $8,500.
The look on everyone’s face when they see the 8×10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.
There are some things money can’t buy, for everything else there’s MASTERCARD

‘Life isn’t like a bowl of cherries or peaches, it’s more like a jar of Jalapeños–what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow……’

More Things Not To Say During Sex

1. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
2. Why am I doing all the work? (in a ménage a trois)
3. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth.
4. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
5. I think you have it on backwards.
6. When is this supposed to feel good?
7. Put the blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
8. You’re good enough to do this for a living.
9. Is that blood on the headboard?
10. Did I remember to take my pill?
11. Are you sure I don’t know you from somewhere?
12. I wish we got the Playboy channel.
13. That leak better be from the water bed!
14. I told you it wouldn’t work without batteries!
15. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.
16. Did I tell you my aunt Martha died in this bed?
17. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
18. No, really I do this part better myself.
19. It’s nice being in bed with a woman I don’t have to inflate myself.
20. This would be more fun with a few more people.
21. You’re almost as good as my ex!
22. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
23. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
24. You look younger than you feel.
25. Perhaps you’re just out of practice.
26. You sweat more than a galloping stallion.
27. They’re not cracker crumbs, it’s just a rash.
28. Now I know why she/he dumped you.
29. Does your husband own a sawed off shot-gun?
30. You give me a reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated?
31. I’ll bet you didn’t know I work for the Enquirer.
32. So that’s why they call you Mr. Flash!
33. My old girlfriend used to do it a lot longer.
34. Is this a sin too?

Wabbit

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp between two missing teeth, “Excuth me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?”

As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?”

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, “I don’t think my python weally gives a thit.”

Just Look At Them All!!!