Friday Fun Stuff – 10-4-13

Handsome Men’s Club

Woody Allen 1965

Female Tee-Shirts

· Guys have feelings too…But like…who cares?
· Next mood swing: 6 minutes
· No, we haven’t met…and aren’t likely to either
· I hate everybody, and you’re next
· Please don’t make me kill you
· And your point is…
· I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re OK now
· I’m busy…You’re repulsive…Have a nice day
· Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it
· I know you want me…now stop the damn drooling
· No, I don’t remind you of anyone…I’m unique
· Of course I don’t look busy…I did it right the 1st time
· Why do guys with closed minds always open their mouths?
· I’m multitalented: I can talk & annoy you at the same time
· Don’t start with me…You won’t win
· You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!
· All stressed out and no one to choke
· I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people
· How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
· Sorry if I looked interested…I’m not!!!
· Don’t upset me…I’m running out of places to hide the bodies

Chinese Hotel Brochure

A friend went to in Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed. It appears to have been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English, by someone who may have spent some time in the bar that day.

Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

You’re Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above all:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.

Life On The Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk

A day in the life at the etch-a-sketch help desk…

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What’s the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don’t shake it.

Amazing Anagrams

Dormitory == Dirty Room
Desperation == A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code == Here Come Dots
Slot Machines == Cash Lost in ‘em
Animosity == Is No Amity
Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z’s
Alec Guinness == Genuine Class
Semolina == Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point == I’m a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one
Contradiction == Accord not in it

This one’s amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare]
To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

In one of the Bard’s best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

And the grand finale:
“That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.” — Neil A. Armstrong

A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!

Top Ten Things You’ll Never Hear From Your Consultant

1. You’re right; we’re billing way too much for this.
2. Bet you I can go a week without saying “synergy” or “value-added”.
3. How about paying us based on the success of the project?
4. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
5. Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
6. I don’t know enough to speak intelligently about that.
7. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
8. I can’t take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.
9. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
10. Everything looks okay to me. You really don’t need me.

Golfing Priest

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won’t be able to go to work.

Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, “Are you really going to let him get away with this?”

“No, I guess not,” says God.

The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn’t bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.

Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, “Why did you let him do that?”

To this God says, “Who’s he going to tell?”

You Know You Are Living In 2013 When…

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.

And now your laughing at yourself.

I’m Changing My Name

A widowed lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “How are you today?”

“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.

“I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked.

“First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago,” he replied and turned back to his book.

“I’m sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely,” she countered. “Do you live around here?” She asked.

“Yes, I live over in Cape Coral”, he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, “Do you like pussy cats?”

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit, and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”

The man replied, “How did you know my name was Katz?”

Your Daily Moment of Zen

(Modified to reflect contemporary wisdom)
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
5. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
13. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
14. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
15. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
16. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
17. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
18. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
19. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
20. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
21. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
22. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
23. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass then things get worse
24. The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed

Speeding Excuse

A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

“There ain’t no way they can catch a Corvette,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 130 and finally 150 with the light still behind him. “What the hell am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “I’ve had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don’t feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before you can go!”

“Last week my wife ran off with a cop,” the man said, “and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”

“Off you go,” said the officer.

How Did That Car Get In There?
How Did That Car Get In There
So What’s It Like Being A Rocket Scientist?
So What's It Like Being A Rocket Scientist
Now Featuring The Blue Screen Of Death Cola!
Coming To A Microsoft Vending Machine Near You!
Now Featuring The Blue Screen Of Death Cola!  Coming To A Microsoft Vending Machine Near You!
You Better Sleep With One Eye Open From Now On Cause You Are So Dead!
You Better Sleep With One Eye Open From Now On Cause You Are So Dead
Also Known As The Stupidity Test
Also Known As The Stupidity Test
The Lower You Are The Worse It Smells
The Lower You Are The Worse It Smells
Well At Least He’s Not Wearing A Speedo
Well At Least He's Not Wearing A Speedo
Like Father Like Son
Like Father Like Son
What Exactly Are These Employees Selling Anyway?
What Exactly Are These Employees Selling Anyway
Now That’s A Big Pile Of Shit
Now That's A Big Pile Of Shit

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