10 Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving But Aren’t
1. Reach in and grab the giblets.
2. Whew! That’s one terrific spread!
3. I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.
4. Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist.
5. Talk about huge breasts!
6. “And he forces his way into the end zone!”
7. She’s 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down.
8. It’s Cool Whip time!
9. If I don’t unbuckle my pants, I’m going to burst!
10. It must be broken, ’cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out.
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
It ricocheted into a corner
and burst with deafening boom,
then splattered all over the kitchen,
completely obscuring the room.
It stuck to the walls and the windows,
it totally coated the floor,
there was turkey attached to the ceiling,
where there’d never been turkey before.
It blanketed every appliance,
it smeared every saucer and bowl,
there wasn’t a way I could stop it,
that turkey was out of control.
I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,
and thought with chagrin as I mopped,
that I’d never again stuff a turkey
with popcorn that hadn’t been popped.
• My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow. – Rita Rudner
• We’re having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing. – George Carlin
• What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?
• Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often. – Johnny Carson
• When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving. But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog. Only kidding. It was the cat! – David Letterman
• How many cooks does it take to stuff a turkey? Only one, but you REALLY have to squeeze to get him in.
• Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty. – Michael Dresser
• Thanksgiving – when the people who are the most thankful are the ones who didn’t have to cook. – Melanie White
• Unless you live alone, do you ever REALLY know where that turkey baster’s been?
• I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving. – Craig Ferguson
• Extended family Thanksgiving gatherings are like sitting around with living, breathing forwarded emails.- Erica Schbum
• Your Tofurkey Thanksgiving dinner isn’t cruelty-free as far as your guests are concerned. – John Lyon
• Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm. – John Lyon
• After Thanksgiving dinner men fall asleep because they’re full of turkey; women fall asleep because they’re exhausted. – Melanie White
• Ever notice how you never get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it’s because all the coats are on the bed. – George Carlin
• Stove Top Dressing: satisfying your craving for a big bowl full of wet onions and mush since 1957! – Mike Vanatta
• For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag. – Andy Borowitz
• I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family. – Damien Fahey
• Thanksgiving is when the Indians said, “Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England.” – Jay Leno
• Is it just me or does everybody have that one uncle who disappears after dinner and then shows up asking for the plunger – Darin Loves Bacon
• Leftovers are for quitters – Jake Vig
• Dear America, Thanksgiving was in October, silly! Love, Canada Xoxo
Ten Reasons Thanksgiving Dinner is Better than Sex
10. You’re sure to get at least one of your favorite dishes.
9. The turkey never suffers from modesty.
8. You can nibble before dinner even if mom sees you.
7. You are expected to pass the dishes around.
6. There are always at least two kinds of desert, with or without whipped cream.
5. They give you the day off WITH pay to have dinner.
4. Thanksgiving dinner is a “sure” thing.
3. Seconds are encouraged. Take home, too!!
2. You’re expected to fall asleep after dinner.
And the number 1 reason why Thanksgiving dinner is better than sex:
1. You are EXPECTED to watch football BEFORE and AFTER dinner.
If Your Thanksgiving Schedule Was Honest
9:00 AM – Wake up and feel an immediate sense of dread and foreboding about all the relatives coming to your house for Thanksgiving. Also, still super hungover from Black Wednesday.
9:15 AM – Actually get out of bed after checking your phone for 10 minutes and justifying in your head why you HAVE to get up for another 5 minutes.
9:30 AM – Sit on the toilet way too long since you’re still catching up on Instagram and Facebook.
9:45 AM – Another 15 minutes, staring in awe at everyone you know having already baked perfect looking pies and dishes and turkeys.
10:00 AM – Okay your legs have fallen asleep it’s probably time to take a shower and stop freaking out about how much better everyone else is at cooking.
10:15 AM – Get out of the shower, immediately miss the shower and wonder if you could get away with just taking a daylong shower. Maybe you could text your mom and get her to bring you stuffing in the shower? That would be amazing.
10:30 AM – Dried and dressed, head downstairs to the kitchen to help your parents cook.
10:31 AM – Ah, pretty much everything is already done because your parents woke up at 6:30 AM because for some reason that’s what parents do on Thanksgiving instead of sleeping in.
10:35 AM – Getting some lowkey passive-aggressive comments from your mom about not being up earlier to help. Get assigned potato peeling for the mashed potatoes, which is something you at least feel like you can handle.
10:36 AM – Immediately nick your finger and start bleeding onto the potatoes.
10:50 AM – Got your finger band-aid-ed up and the potatoes peeled, so now it’s time to help tidy up.
10:51 AM – Okay you put your socks in the laundry hamper, the house is OFFICIALLY tidied up.
10:52 AM – Ugh, apparently your dad says the bathroom needs to be cleaned, your room’s a mess, and there are a bunch of dishes that need to be done from all the meal prep. THIS IS WHY WE SHOULD JUST USE PAPER PLATES AND PLASTIC FORKS AND KNIVES, DAD.
12:30 PM – Okay, the bathroom is clean enough (wow who woulda guessed behind the toilet could get like that?), your room looks mostly fine as long as no one checks under the bed, and you’ve done a decent enough job on the dishes that you should be okay.
12:45 PM – Update: you did NOT do a decent enough job on the dishes and then your mom started re-doing them and made you feel guilty and so you said you were going to go on a grocery run for more rolls just to get out of the house for a second.
1:15 PM – Oh crap you forgot to pull out of the driveway because you were checking your phone and seeing EVEN MORE PIES. HOLY CRAP HOW IS EVERYONE ALL OF A SUDDEN THIS GOOD AT PIES? IT’S LIKE THE GREAT BRITISH BAKING SHOW ALL IN MY FEED. HOW DID ALL OF MY FRIENDS TURN INTO MARY BERRY OVERNIGHT?!
1:30 PM – Get a text from your friends who are having a Friendsgiving in the cool city they live in on one of the coasts. The conversation goes something like this:
Them: miss u bud!!
You: haha yeah wish i could be there
You: maybe next year!
Them: hey does your family smoke pot at thanksgiving too
Them: hey does your family play videogames while eating thanksgiving dinner too
You: i fuckin hate you
Them: lmao we have so many pies
1:40 PM – Return home with the rolls only to discover 20 relatives you are vaguely acquainted with suddenly swarming around your house
1:45 PM – Find the one cool cousin who you can actually have a conversation with and OH GODDAMMIT THEY’RE DUCKING OUT EARLY TO GO TO A FRIENDSGIVING. You can’t do that because your parents would guilt you over it for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
2:00 PM – 2:45 PM – Make pleasant small talk with various relatives, being sure to not mention religion, politics, the news, sports (sports would lead to NFL which would lead to the kneeling protests which would lead to Trump), entertainment, or anything about your life because you are definitely not opening up to these people. So, basically, the weather and nothing else.
2:45 PM – Dinnertime! 2:45 PM, the normal time to eat dinner on Thanksgiving.
2:50 PM – Sit down at the Kids’ Table, because even though you’re in your mid-20s, you are somehow still stuck here. Honestly seems preferable to the Adult Table still. Aunt Miranda already looks tipsy.
3:00 PM – Done with round 1. Reminder why Thanksgiving is the best holiday – no gifts, no expectations, just a really solid meal.
3:15 PM – One of your little cousins is staring at their iPad, watching some gaming videos on Youtube. Ask them what games they play, since this might be a chance to connect and have a fun conversation about videogames. “I don’t really play videogames,” they respond. Sit there confused, realizing you have zero understanding of the younger generation and holy crap YOU ARE GETTING OLD.
3:30 PM – Round 2 over. A little room left over for pie. Let’s see what pies the rest of the family brought!
3:35 PM – Pumpkin, Apple, and Cherry. That’s IT? THAT’S IT?! And they all look STORE BOUGHT. Not that YOU have a legitimate cause to complain, since you didn’t really contribute much to any of this, but after scrolling through an endless number of amazing homemade pies that were doing stuff with pomegranate and lime and cinnamon, this is…underwhelming.
3:40 PM – Okay, store bought apple pie is still pretty dope. Nevermind.
3:45 PM – Help clean-up – and by that I mean “gather everyone’s plates and silverware and dump them all in the sink with the hope someone else will actually clean them.”
4:00 PM – Half the family moves to the living room to watch football. The other half keep sitting at the dinner table, but now have coffee, and are talking about the cool cousin who left for Friendsgiving and how well their job is going. No one is mentioning how great YOUR job at the call center is going, but that’s mostly because you prefer telling people you’re unemployed than telling them the truth.
4:05 PM – You’ve chosen to go to the living room to watch football. Most of the uncles are half-asleep already. Time to nurse a beer for the next hour and check on your texts from Friendsgiving friends bragging about how amazing their pies were and how they’re heading to karaoke now and GODDAMN I MESSED UP STAYING HERE.
4:15 PM – 5:30 PM – Things are winding out, folks are filtering out, and you’ve been forced into multiple awkward conversations with older relatives about when you’re going to get married, have kids, get a better job, and deal with some serious negging about “millennials being soooo lazy.” Like, I AM lazy, but it’s a little unfair to use me to generalize everyone else in the same age bracket.
6:00 PM – Pretty much everyone is gone, so now it’s time for mom to subtly hint at you that she wants you to actually do the dishes you piled up in the sink by saying “You need to wash the dishes in the sink.”
7:00 PM – Done with the dishes, it’s time to text other friends who still live in town to see if they’re done with their family Thanksgivings and want to smoke pot or go to karaoke or see a movie or literally anything that would get you out of the house.
7:15 PM – Reponses: 3 “too tired but maybe tomorrow”s, 5 “family’s still over”s, 1 “heading out for Black Friday”, and 2 “yeah im down for whatever”s.
7:16 PM – 7:45 PM – Spend way too long trying to figure out what “down for whatever” actually entails. Turns out it’s seeing Thor: Ragnarok, even though you already saw it.
8:15 PM – Arrive at the movie theatre, but it turns out your friend got the times wrong and the movie started at 8. Doesn’t want to go in late, but there IS a screening of Justice League at 8:30 PM. You think it looks kinda crummy but you don’t have enough fight in you to argue.
8:25 PM – Get a text from your mom that’s just a picture of a dish with a tiny bit of food stuck to it. You know what this means: she’s going to re-clean all the dishes and guilt you about this for the rest of the year. Great!
10:35 PM – HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO SUPERMAN’S FACE?! A quick google search reminds you that they had to CGI out a mustache Henry Cavill was contractually forced to keep for another movie. My god. I thought CGI had advanced to the point where it could hide a mustache without turning one of the handsomest men in the world into Buzz Lightyear-face.
11:05 PM – 12:15 AM – Go to Wendy’s and eat some nuggets. You have no idea why you always go to some fast food place ON THE DAY OF THE BEST MEAL OF THE YEAR, but for some reason it happens every single year. Your toilet will be in for a surprise later, thanks to the ultimate combo of Wendy’s chili and spicy chicken sandwich speeding up your Thanksgiving bowel movement.
12:30 AM – Arrive home.
12:35 AM – Even though you literally just ate, you cannot help yourself from digging into the leftovers. Just a littttttttle stuffing and turkey, that’s all.
12:50 AM – Okay crap you just ate half the leftover stuffing. Oh well.
1:00 AM – Notice your mom did a SPECTACULAR job cleaning up after your crummy rush job on the dishes. Everything is sparkling and the house looks IMMACULATE. Shit. Time to feel guilty.
1:15 AM – Your mom comes downstairs after hearing you puttering around and continuously using the microwave as you gradually made your way through the leftover stuffing. You tell her thanks for everything she does and sorry you weren’t more of a help. She hugs you and tells you she loves you and that it’s no big deal. Gossip a little about which relative was the drunkest. It was Aunt Miranda. It’s always Aunt Miranda.
1:45 AM – Mom heads back to bed, and you feel a little bit better about things.
2:00 – 2:15 AM – DECIMATE THE TOILET.
Thanksgiving Pick-Up Lines
“You make my turkey timer pop.”
“Let’s make like mac ‘n cheese and melt together.”
“Let’s go make my Plymouth rock.”
“Yes, you can butter my biscuit.”
“Gosh, I dunno if I can fit this drumstick onto my plate.”
“You’re sweeter than a hot marshmallow on a candied yam.”
“Baby, you’re like a turkey dinner: I’ll eat you with (cranberry) relish.”
“They say tying the legs together keeps everything moist.”
F My Life
Today, I thought I heard my little sister playing on my brand new grand piano. Angry, I ran downstairs to stop her. My parents were having sex. On my piano. FML
Today, I was rejected from the University of Washington. My dad has been a professor there for 30 years, and is on the board of admissions. FML
Today, I was at a club with my girlfriend of only two weeks. As we were dancing, another woman grabbed my ass from behind me and squeezed. I yelped and turned around to see my mother as the culprit. My girlfriend punched her. I found out my mother is a Cougar and my girl has a mean right hook. FML
Today, my wife went to the hospital because she had been gaining weight recently and had missed her period the last three months. We thought it was menopause. Turns out she’s pregnant. I’ve been sterile since the day I was born. FML
Today, I found out that I am 14 weeks pregnant. The father of the baby is now engaged to my best friend, whom he was cheating on me with when I became pregnant. I’m going to be the maid of honor, 8 months pregnant with his child, at their wedding. FML
Today, I found out my mother has another new boyfriend. She told me she wanted me to meet him, and I reluctantly agreed. When I walked out to meet him in the living room, to my surprise, I knew him. He’s 18, my mother is 44. He also happens to be in my second period high school math class. FML.
Today, my fiancée broke up with me. Via a MySpace message. While we were in the same apartment. FML
Today, I turned on my camera to find pictures of my dad’s secretary giving him a blo w job. Minutes later, I hear a scream from another room as my 12-year-old sister discovers similar pictures on HER camera. Mom and dad say it’s no big deal. FML
Today, I had to sleep in the same room as my grandparents. They checked to see if I was asleep, so I pretended to be to avoid getting scolded for staying up. Turns out they were checking so that they could make love. I witnessed two 70-year-olds have sex in the bed next to me for 20 minutes. FML
Today, I spent $160 on a spa package for me and my best friend because her boyfriend just broke up with her, and she has been really upset for the past week. Turns out her boyfriend broke up with her because she had been cheating on him. With MY boyfriend. FML
Today, I unexpectedly got my period at lacrosse practice. Our playing field is a 1/2 mile away from any bathrooms so I headed towards the woods with a tampon. Just as I was about to insert the tampon, the entire boys cross country team ran by… laughing. FML
Today, while I was out to eat, I was approached by the restaurant manager. He told me that while he respected my personal choices, his patrons didn’t feel comfortable with someone who used to be a man using the women’s restroom. He thought I was a transsexual. I am a naturally-born female. FML
Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML
Today, I got a letter from Princeton that said I got accepted. I jumped for joy screaming at the top of my lungs. My little brother walks in laughing with his camcorder on record. He played a joke on me and gave me the real letter. I was denied. FML
What The World Is Like In TV Land
1. If a woman is running away from someone she will trip and fall.
2. Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic manipulation.
3. Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.
4. The suburbs are exciting.
5. Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.
6. Good guys are always outnumbered.
7. Good guys always win and get the girl.
8. Good guys are always good looking.
9. Ugly people are always bad guys.
10. Teenagers who have s ex are destined to die in grotesque ways.
11. There are no ugly women, only ugly men.
12. Court cases are all solved with a surprise witness.
13. Good guys are the only ones who have a sense of humor.
14. Cars will explode in all accidents.
15. Everyone has a dark secret.
16. Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.
17. Haunted houses are never locked.
If Corporate Slogans Were Honest
• Microsoft: “How much are you going to pay today?”
• MTV: “Loud and easy to spell.”
• Saks 5th Avenue: “You Could Shop Here if You’re Poor, But That Would be Stupid!”
• Iguana: “The other green meat.”
• Nike: “Just buy the shoes, you flabby spineless lump!”
• Daisy Air Rifles: “Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years.”
• Canon Photocopiers: “Quit calling them Xeroxes!”
• Apple Macintosh: “Hey, we thought of it first!”
• Radio Shack: “You’ve got questions, we’ve got geek losers!”
• Professional Bowling on NBC: “Oh, why don’t you just go ahead and kill yourself instead?”
You Know You Drink Too Much Coffee When…
1. Juan Valdez names his mule after you.
2. You chew on your roommate’s fingernails.
3. You can jump-start your car without cables.
4. You do twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
5. You can’t remember your second cup.
6. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
7. Starbucks has a mortgage on your house.
8. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
9. You don’t sweat — you percolate.
10. You grind coffee beans in your mouth.