Friday Fun Stuff – 10-13-23

Gallagher Explains Pronunciation

Red Skelton And John Wayne

Great Witticisms

• If you smoke after sex, you’re doing it too fast.
• The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
• Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.
• There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.
• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
• Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
• I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
• If something goes without saying, LET IT!
• Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
• Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
• I want to be like Barbie, that bitch has everything.
• Prevent Inbreeding: Ban country music.
• This would be really funny if it wasn’t happening to me.
• I have the body of a god… Buddha!
• Guns don’t kill people… but they make it real easy.
• Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Franco-Germanic Joke

Before the EU, a German tourist was entering France, when the border agent asked:

Agent, “Name?”
German, “Heinrich Gruber.”
Agent: “City of residence?”
German: “Frankfurt.”
Agent: “Occupation?”
German: “No, just visiting.”

Food Quotes

“Artichokes … are just plain annoying … After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual ‘food’ out of eating an artichoke as you would rom licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail instead.” — Miss Piggy

“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.” –Sam Levinson

“This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn’t say how far to separate them.” — Gracie Allen

“I’ve been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I’ve lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.” — Erma Bombeck

“I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.” — Joe E. Lewis

“I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead — not sick, not wounded — dead.” — Woody Allen

“Food is an important part of a balanced diet.” — Fran Lebowitz

“Health food makes me sick.” — Calvin Trillin

“Watermelon — it’s a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face.” — Enrico Caruso

“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” — Robert Orben

That Poor Lion

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, “What are we going to do?” “Nothing,” said the hunter husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”

Fun Things To Do At A Boring Party

Speak in a strange foreign accent. when someone asks where you are from, name a country only you can pronounce.

Use a different accent every time you talk to someone new.

When getting food, pile everything onto your plate in heaping servings – make sure to use your hands!

Ask the host, “Who threw this cheesy party, anyway?”

Turn cartwheels across the floor. If you can turn a back flip, all the better!

Bring a novel and curl up in a corner with it.

Cough all over guests, then exclaim, “Doctor says a few more years and I’ll be cured…”

Hang your head and whisper one-word answers to questions.

Play a lullaby on a kazoo during a speech (singing a lullaby works okay, too)

If there is music, mix up your dancing: break dance to classical, symphony conductor hand waves to techno music.

If you find your former dancing partner dancing with someone else, burst into tears, wailing “I thought you loved me!”, and run from the room.

Tell a middle-aged wife, “Your husband seems very happy with that girl in the closet…”

Tell a middle aged man, “Your wife seems very happy with that boy in the closet…”

Whisper to the guest on your right, “What kind of lame moron actually goes to these parties, anyway?”

Bring Lego warships and fighter jets. Wage a war in the middle of the room. Urge other guests to get involved. If you are a historical expert, reenact the revolutionary war, the civil war, world war two, etc.

Bring a soccer ball, basketball, football, or baseball. Start a game… in the kitchen.

Karate chop everywhere and everything. Yell really, really loud. A few sudden kicks would be worthwhile as well.

Wear wool or feathers and sneeze all night. “The doctor says I’m not allergic to anything except sheep and birds…”

If someone says the word no to you, say, “How dare you turn down the prince / princess of Ugranialo!”

Burst into the room an hour late, sopping wet and screaming, “I’ve done it! I’ve found Atlantis!”

Pick out the oldest women at the party, run up to her, and exclaim, “Grandmother! it’s me, Anastasia!” Extra points if you’re a man.

The Best Marriage Gifts

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way, they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

‘Are you the owner?’ The pharmacist answers yes.
Says Jacob: ‘We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?’
Pharmacist: ‘Of course we do.’
Jacob: ‘How about medicine for circulation?’
Pharmacist: ‘All kinds.’
Jacob: ‘Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? ‘
Pharmacist: ‘Definitely.’
Jacob: ‘How about Viagra?’
Pharmacist: ‘Of course.’
Jacob: ‘Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?’
Pharmacist: ‘Yes, a large variety. The works.’
Jacob: ‘What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?’
Pharmacist: ‘Absolutely.’
Jacob: ‘You sell wheelchairs and walkers?’
Pharmacist: ‘All speeds and sizes.’
Jacob says to the pharmacist: ‘We’d like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.’

Top Ten Bad Things About Having Darth Vader As A Roommate

10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren’t his.
9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it.
8. He’s always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.
7. Claims he paid you the rent “a long, long time ago.”
6. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing “Darth Brooks” routine.
5. For once he could use Force to lift his wet towel off the couch.
4. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast.
3. You feel like an idiot saying, “No, Darth isn’t here. He’s on the ice planet Hoth.”
2. Not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill.
1. Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.

Why I Can Not Shop At Costco Anymore

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me,

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won’t let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.

You Know You Are Addicted To Coffee If …

• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
• You sleep with your eyes open.
• You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
• The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.
• You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
• You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
• You chew on other people’s fingernails.
• The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
• You’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
• You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
• You can jump-start your car without cables.
• You don’t sweat, you percolate.
• You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
• You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

You Forgot What Day This Is Didn’t You?

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, “I bet you don’t know what day this is.” “Of course I do,” he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office.

At 10 am, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.

At 1 pm, a foil wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived.

Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home. “First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!” she exclaimed. “I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!”

Do, Da, Do, Da