Ms. Swan goes to Starbucks – Mad TV
Big Bird Interns At Funny Or Die
Are You A Prostitute Or A Consultant?
• You work very odd hours.
• You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
• You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.
• You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.
• You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price.
• You are not proud of what you do.
• Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
• It’s difficult to have a family.
• You have no job satisfaction.
• If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.
• You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
• People ask you, “What do you do?” and you can’t explain it.
• Your family hardly recognizes you at reunions (at least the reunions you attend.)
• Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you’re left hanging with only other “professionals.”
• Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
• Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.
• Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or BMWs.
• Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain.
• You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it’s not your problem.
• When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).
• You are rated on your “performance” in an excruciating ordeal.
• Even though you get paid the big bucks, it’s the client who walks away smiling.
• The client always thinks your “cut” of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.
• When you deduct your “take” from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.
• Everyday you wake up and tell yourself, “I’m not going to be doing this stuff the rest of my life.”
Wisdom Of A Retiree
I’ve often been asked, ‘What do you old folks do now that you’re retired?
Well, I’m fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.
Hopefully you’ve never had these used on you, but this is a list of excuses to use if that “special” someone asks you out and you don’t know how to say no. If someone gives you one of these excuses, it is very likely that they have absolutely no interest in going out with you.
1. I’m too old/young for that stuff
2. I have to ash/condition/perm/curl/tease my hair
3. I have too much guilt
4. There are important world issues that need worrying about
5. I’m uncomfortable when I’m alone or with others
6. I promised to help a friend fold road maps
7. I feel a song coming on
8. I’m trying to be less popular
9. My bathroom tiles need grouting
10. I have to bleach my hare
11. I’m waiting to see if I’m already a winner
12. You know how we psychos are
13. My favorite commercial is on TV
14. I have to study for a blood test
15. I’m observing National Apathy Week
16. I have to rotate my crops
17. My uncle escaped again
18. I’m up to my elbows in waxy buildup
19. I’m having my baby shoes bronzed
20. Having fun gives me prickly heat
Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.
The Indian man said to the American, “You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven’t even met once.
We call this arranged marriage. I don’t want to marry a woman whom I don’t love…I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.”
The American said, “Talking about love marriages? I’ll tell you my story.
I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years.
“After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father’s father-in-law.
My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.
More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father’s brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father’s son i.e. My brother is my grandson.
Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.
And you say you have family problems?!
First Grade Proverbs
A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1. Don’t change horses until they stop running.
2. Strike while the bug is close.
3. It’s always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but how?
6. Don’t bite the hand that looks dirty.
7. No news is impossible
8. A miss is as good as a Mr.
9. You can’t teach an old dog new math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust me.
12. The pen is mightier than the pigs.
13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.
14. Where there’s smoke there’s pollution.
15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is not much.
17. Two’s company, three’s the Musketeers.
18. Don’t put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh & the whole laughs with you, cry & you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded..
22. If at first you don’t succeed get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you see in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way
25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.
And the winner is…
26. Better late than pregnant
Confession is good for the soul, so they say.
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know.
In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”
Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected.
Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?’”
Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that
You saved our home, but what about the second time?”
Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”
“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”
“All right,” Martha said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”
• Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
• In a Podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”
• On a Septic Tank Truck: “Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels”
• On a Plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”
• On another Plumber’s truck: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
• On a Church’s Bill board: “7 days without God makes one weak.”
• At a Tire Store “Invite us to your next blowout.”
• On an Electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”
• In a Non-smoking Area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
• On a Maternity Room door: “Push. Push. Push.”
• At an Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
• On a Taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff.”
• On a Fence: “Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!”
• At a Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
• Outside a Car Exhaust Store: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
• In a Vets waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
• In a Restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”
• In the front yard of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
• And don’t forget the sign at a RADIATOR SHOP: “Best place in town to take a leak.”
• Sign on the back of yet another Septic Tank Truck: “Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises”
The Vanilla Pudding Robbery
This is just too funny not to share. An article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery.
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe’s combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank’s audio tape system, one robber said, ‘At least we’ll have a bit to eat.’
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:
‘IRELAND’S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING’….
Disorder In The American Courts
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Fun Things To Do When Driving
1. Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio.
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Have conversation, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go on the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who’s boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners on the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
22. While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars. (extra points if your a female and can do this)
23. Paint your car with occult symbols.
24. Keep at least five cats in the car.
25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy s ex.
26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for fire trucks.
27. Stop and collect road kill.
28. Stop and pray to road kill.
29. Throw Spam.
30. Get in the fast lane and gradually…slow…down…to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.