A Warning From The Future
I knew there was a reason for the temporal prime directive.
John Wayne Is Rolling Over In His Grave
Who would ever had thought that cowboys could be automated out of a job?
Fun Things To Do At Wal-Mart
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially in narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in Housewares,” and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to “10″.
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven’t seen you in so long!…” etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, “Who BUYS this crap, anyway?”
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you’re taking it for a “test drive.”
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, “Wow. Magic!”
20. Put M&M’s on layaway.
21. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, “…I’m Batman. Come, Robin–to the Batcave!”
*BONUS* Attempt all of the above during the same visit.
9 Types Of Girlfriends
Ms. Nice Gal – “Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn’t have”
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat.
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly.
Disadvantages: May wise up someday.
Old Yeller – “You goddamn spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can’t you see you’re making me miserable?”
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell.
Advantages: Pays attention to you.
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans.
Sickly – “Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite”
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy.
The Bosser – “Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don’t give me that look.”
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom.
Advantages: Often right.
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied – “I just can’t decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?”
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c’mon Honey.
Advantages: Easily soothed.
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed.
Wild Woman out of Control – “I’ve got an idea. Lez get drunk an’ make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S’fun.”
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out.
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys.
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs.
Huffy – “I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at”
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly.
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.
Disadvantages: You will have no friends.
Woman from Mars – “I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship”
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic.
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable.
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud.
Ms. Dreamgirl – “I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now”
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous.
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited.
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.
- Redneck Driving Etiquette -
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
- Redneck Personal Hygiene -
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours.
Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
- Redneck Dining Out -
Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
- Redneck Entertaining in Your Home -
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.
If your dog falls in love with a guest’s leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.
- Redneck Dating (Outside the Family) -
Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men’s bathroom wall two years ago.”
If a girl’s name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
- Redneck Theater Etiquette -
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.
- Redneck Wedding Etiquette -
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.
For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
- Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions -
Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
Always say “Excuse me” after getting sick in someone else’s car.
It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it’s considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
Diary Of a Young Blond Wife
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home.
It’s fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, “beat 12 eggs separately.” Well, I didn’t have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, “serve without dressing.” So I didn’t dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, “wash thoroughly before steaming the rice.” So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can’t say it improved the rice anyhow.
Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.
It said, prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.” I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I’ll try to be supportive.
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, “put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it.” Beat it I did, to my mum’s place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.
Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I’m sure I don’t know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and its little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work, or he wanted the chicken to dance.
When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out “why me? why me ?”
Hmmm….It must be his job
If Men Ruled The World…
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.”
Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the match, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during half-time.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the ass and a “Good effort, you’ll get ‘em next time” would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in beer.
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the football team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be chief executive.
“Sorry I’m late, but I got really wasted last night” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
It’d be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage other towns.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
The trash would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re number 1!”
Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
Crime Stoppers would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Policeman: “You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”
Policeman: “Nice one. That’s 10 bucks off.”
Taps would run “Hot,” “Cold,” and “100 per cent proof.”
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears: ‘You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
You know what Martha?’
‘What dear?’ she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
‘I’m beginning to think you’re bad luck.
Things Not To Say To A Policeman When He Pulls You Over
1. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
2. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125mph to keep up with me! Good job!
3. You don’t happen to have any beer in your car do ya?
4. You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
5. Did you happen to attend the “Barney Fife” Police Academy?
6. Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend’s night stand.
7. I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.
8. So, uh, you on the take, or what?
9. Those sirens are hurting my ears, turn them off or I am not speaking to you.
1. So what if I was speeding, whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?
11. Gee, officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
12. Aren’t you the guy from the village people?
13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay just so one of us does.
14. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes I know there is no other car around, that’s how far they are ahead of me.
15. Sorry I can’t hear you over the radio. No I am not turning it down, I love this song. Either speak up or just leave me alone.
16. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
Men & Women
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn’t need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man…
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die…
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.”
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Ways To Handle Stress
1. Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
2. Use your MasterCard to pay your visa.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says “Have a nice day” tell them you have other plans.
5. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
6. Forget the diet and send yourself a candy gram.
7. Make a list of things that you’ve already done.
8. Dance naked in front of your pets.
9. Put your toddlers clothes on backwards and send them off to preschool as if nothing was wrong.
10. Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax return with roman numerals.
11. Tattoo “out to lunch” on your forehead.
12. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and lob them from high places.
13. Leaf through National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.
14. Go shopping, buy everything, sweat in it, return it the next day.
The Good Way Of Breaking Bad News
I know I haven’t written for three months, but I have been very busy and I’ve been having a very exciting time. Actually, I’m just back from the hospital, where I had spent 2 weeks. It was nothing, really – just a concussion on the back of my head, a broken leg and a hairline fracture, that I got while jumping out of the second floor of my hostel when it caught fire. In fact, I can now stand all by myself without crutches, and can almost see everything perfectly, except for a slight blur.
But don’t worry. The doctor says there is a good chance of me walking on my own again. Actually, it could have been worse, if not for that nice chai-walla (street tea vendor) who saw me lying there in a dead faint and rushed me to hospital. He was very helpful, really, and came to see me everyday in the hospital. Now that I am out of hospital, I had nowhere to go, as the hostel is still under construction. So when he suggested that I move in with him in his hut, I thought it was very kind of him, and agreed. We are very much in love now, and I am sure that you and Dad will surely like him and accept him in the family. I am sure the minor matter that he is fourteen years older than me and that he is of a different color and religion, will not matter at all to broadminded parents like you. He may be illiterate and poor, but he has a heart of gold – really, Mom, you should see how he cares for both of us – me and his wife, that is. She is quite sweet too, and so are her three children; so there is absolutely no problem. You must be wondering how you and Dad got informed so late. Don’t get angry, Mom. We just didn’t have the time. You see, we decided to get married only recently since we thought it would be unfair to let our baby into the world without a proper surname. Yes, Mom, you are going to be a grandmother!
Congratulations! I am sure you and Dad are delighted, and will come to visit us in his village in Mizoram after we shift there next week.
OK Mom. All this did not really happen. There was no fire, no fracture, no bigamous chai-walla and no illegitimate pregnancy. But I did flunk in my Mathematics exam, and I wanted you to view this problem in the right perspective.
Your Darling Daughter
Thoes Little Grass Are So Cute When They Sleep
What’s A Safety Feature
Before I Go Whats The Number For 911 Again
Why Teniour Should Be Abolished
So What If It Doesn’t Fit! It Works!
To Calm Those Stressed Rabbits
I Think Your Recruitment Slogan Needs Work
A Bit Much Just To Make Apple Juice Don’t You Think?
Who Says You Have To Pick Your Own Nose
Tired Of People Eating Your Lunch Out Of The Office Refrigerator? Try Our New Theft Proof Sandwich Bags!