Introducing Guiding Hands
Bob Hope In Heaven
For those of you too young to remember Bob, ask your Grandparents!!! And thanks for the memories…………
ON TURNING 70′: You still chase women, but only downhill’.
ON TURNING 80′: That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.’
ON TURNING 90′: You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.’
ON TURNING 100′: I don’t feel old. In fact I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.’
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING’: I ruined my hands in the ring … the referee kept stepping on them.’
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR’: Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it’s called at my home, ‘Passover’.
ON GOLF’: Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.’
ON PRESIDENTS’: I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.’
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER’: When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, ‘Congratulations You have an eight-pound ham’.
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL’: I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.’
ON HIS FAMILY’S EARLY POVERTY’: Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.’
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS’: That’s how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.’
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES’: I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn’t for the stuff the audience threw at me.’
ON GOING TO HEAVEN’: I’ve done benefits for ALL religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.’
Things Not To Say During Sex
• Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
• Hic! I need another beer for this please.
• I think biting is romantic — don’t you?
• You can cook too, right?
• When would you like to meet my parents?
• Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like.
• Have you seen “Fatal Attraction”?
• Sorry about the name tags, I’m not very good with names.
• Don’t mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
• I hope I didn’t forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
• Don’t worry, my dog’s really friendly for a Doberman.
• Sorry but I don’t do toes!
• You could at least ACT like you’re enjoying it!
• KY jelly or no KY jelly, I said NO!
• Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper..
• I’ll bet you didn’t know I work for “The Enquirer”.
• So that’s why they call you Mr. Flash!
• My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
• Is this a sin too?
• I’ve slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
• Hey, when is it going to be my friend’s turn?
• Long kisses clog my sinuses..
• Please understand that I’m only doing this for a raise..
• How long do you plan to be “almost there”?
Friendships Among Women And Men
Friendship Among Women:
A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. Not one of them knew anything about it.
Friendship Among Men:
A man didn’t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
Barbequing Is A Man’s Job
Barbecuing is the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man declares he will BBQ the following chain of events is put into motion:
1) The woman goes to the store and buys everything.
2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off. And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there is just no pleasing a woman.
The phone rings.
The lady of the house answers, “Yes?
Mrs. Ward, please.”
“Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your Doctor sent your husband’s samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband’s. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible.”
“What do you mean?” Mrs. Ward asks.
“Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other for AIDS. We can’t tell which your husband’s is.”
“That’s terrible! Can we do the test over?” questions Mrs. Ward.
“Normally, yes. But your HMO won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”
“The people at you HMO recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.”
The 10 Commandments Of A Teenager
1. Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
(Why wait that long?)
2. Thou shall not do drugs.
(Alcohol lasts longer, not to mention that it’s cheaper.)
3. Thou shall not steal from Kmart.
(Wal-Mart has a bigger selection)
4. Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.
(Destruction has a bigger effect)
5. Thou shall not steal from your parents.
(Everyone knows grandma has more money)
6. Thou shall not get into fights.
(As for catfights — just start them.)
7. Thou shall not skip class.
(Just take the whole day off)
8. Thou shall not strip in class.
(Hooters pays more)
9. Thou shall not think about having sex.
(Like Nike says, “Just do it”)
10. Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.
(Just leave’em in the middle)
Quotes From Women
“You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.” — Erica Jong
“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.” — Rita Rudner
“I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.” — Dolly Parton
“I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.” — Wendy Liebman
“Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth to.” — Erma Bombeck
“If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.” — Sue Grafton
“I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can’t. So I grew hair under my arms instead.” — Sue Kolinsky
“I think…therefore I’m single.” — Lizz Winstead
“When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.” — Elayne Boosler
“I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch.” — Gilda Radner
“Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.” — Maryon Pearson
“Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel.” — Bella Abzug
“In politics, If you want anything said, ask a man; If you want anything done, ask a woman.” — Margaret Thatcher
“I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.” — Gloria Steinem
“Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.” — Baroness Edith Summerskill
“If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?” — Linda Ellerbee
“Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.” — Gloria Steinem
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.” — Katharine Hepburn
A radio station in Australia recently ran a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing moments in listeners lives. The following are the final four place getters:
“While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy & started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust & annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn’t start behaving herself right now, she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye & said in a voice just as threatening, “If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!”. The silence was deafening, after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered the last of my dignity & walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of laughter.”
“It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride to the phone. Since we didn’t want to miss the call. We didn’t have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled “surprise”. My entire family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no-one in my family has planned a surprise party again.”
“A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the public address system and boomed out for all the store to hear. “PRICE CHECK ON LANE 13. TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE.” That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word “Tampax” for “Thumbtacks”. In a very business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the public address system: DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU BELT IN WITH A HAMMER?”
AND THE WINNER IS!
This one happened at a major Australian University in October last year. In a biology lecture, a professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female freshmen, raised her hand and asked, “If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?” “That’s correct.” responded the professor, going on to add some statistical data. Raising her hand again, the
girl asked, “Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?” After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books, and without a word walked out of the class, and never returned. However, as she was going out of the door, the professor’s reply was a classic. Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, “It doesn’t taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat!”
Job Interview Questions
Employers were asked to list the “most unusual” questions that have been asked by job candidates.
• “What is it that you people do at this company?”
• “What is the company motto?”
• “Why aren’t you in a more interesting business?”
• “What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?”
• “Why do you want references?”
• “Do I have to dress for the next interview?”
• “I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?”
• “Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?”
• “Will the company pay to relocate my horse?”
• “Does your health insurance cover pets?”
• “Would it be a problem if I’m angry most of the time?”
• “Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?”
• “Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?”
• “Why am I here?”
What Equals 100%?
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes something like this:
What Equals 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%?
What equals 100% in life?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass-kissing will take you.
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass-kissing that will put you over the top !!!