Friday Fun Stuff – 12-13-24

Home Alone – Robot Chicken

Star Trek: The Last Voyage – SNL

See, Your Not The Not The Only One Who Thinks This

Welcome to the weird work void between Thanksgiving and Christmas, when everything and nothing is a priority, and you briefly see behind the veil that hides just how pointless everything is… oh, and it’s also pitch black at 4:30 PM. But hey! CHRISTMAS MUSIC, AM I RIGHT?

Family Feud Answers

These are actual answers given by contestants in the game show “Family Feud”

Name something a blind person might use – A sword
Name a song with moon in the title – Blue suede moon
Name a bird with a long neck – Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need a torch – A burglar
Name a famous brother & sister – Bonnie & Clyde
Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers – A horse
Name something that floats in the bath -Water
Name something you wear on the beach – A deck chair
Something you do before going to bed – Sleep
Something you put on walls – Roofs
Name a famous bridge – The bridge over troubled waters
Something associated with the police – Pigs
A sign of the zodiac – April
Something slippery – A con man
Name an animal you might see at the zoo – A dog
A food that can be brown or white – Potato
Something with a hole in it – Window
A part of the body beginning with ‘N’ – Knee
Something you do in the bathroom – Decorate

How To Sell Bibles

So, there’s this missionary, right? And he’s got a pretty bad stutter. Despite this, he decides he’s going to sell Bibles door-to-door because, well, faith, right?

Now, the church leaders aren’t too optimistic. They’re thinking, “Bless his heart, but this is going to be a disaster…”

Fast forward a month, and guess what? This guy is not just selling a “few” Bibles—he’s selling more Bibles than anyone in the entire region! The other missionaries are like, “What the heck is his secret?”

So, the head of the church finally sits him down and says, “Okay, spill it. How on earth are you selling so many Bibles?”

The missionary leans in, real serious, and says, “Well, it’s simple. I knock on the door, and when they answer, I say, ‘W-w-w-would you L-like to b-buy a B-B-Bible, or sh-should I s-s-sit down and r-r-read it to you c-c-c-cover to c-c-c-cover?’

Friends Are Like Panties

Some crawl up your butt.
Some don’t have the strength to hold you up.
Some get a little twisted.
Some are your favorite.
Some are holy.
Some are cheap
Some are naughty
And some actually cover your butt when you need them too.

Well, He Had To Fix It

Late one night Jack takes a shortcut through the cemetery.

Hearing a tapping sound, he becomes scared and quickens his pace. The tapping gets louder, and Jack is now scared out of his wits.

Then he notices a man chiseling a tombstone.

“Thank goodness!” Jack says to the man. “You gave me a fright of my life. Why are you working so late?”

“They spelt my name wrong.”

Landlord Letters

• The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
• I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
• This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
• The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
• I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
• I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
• Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
• Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
• Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
• Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.
• Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.
• Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
• When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife’s new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

Which Would You Choose?

A man dies and goes to hell. He’s met by a big ugly demon who tells him he must choose his eternal punishment behind one of 3 doors.

Behind the first door is endless fire, everyone and everything is burning.

Behind the second door is ice. Everything is frozen, people’s limbs break off, etc.

Behind the 3rd door, everyone is standing up to their chests in shit, but they’re drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes.

Guy’s like, well I don’t want to burn or freeze, and they’re all drinking coffee and smoking, seems actually kinda nice. So he chooses door 3.

He wades down into the excrement and sloshes his way to the coffee pot and pours his first cup. Around 5 minutes later, the demon enters the room and says, “Alright everyone, break’s over. Stand on your heads!”

Stupid People Stories

WHERE CAN I GET A JOB LIKE THAT?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.

Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.

WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.

SOME DAYS, IT JUST DOESN’T PAY!
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month – a short in the homeowner’s newly installed fire prevention alarm system. “This is even worse than last year,” said the distraught homeowner, “when someone broke in and stole my new security system…”

THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwiky Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

DO-IT-YOURSELF BRAIN SURGERY??
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot”, the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”

OUCH, THAT SMARTS!!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. “He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants,” said police spokesman Mike Carey. Police have the man’s charred trousers in custody.

ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. “No, you idiot!” the man shouted, “This is her husband!”

NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

Why It’s Ok For Me To Pick Up Hitchhikers

I was driving down the road and saw a hitchhiker. Being in a generous mood, I decided I’d give him a ride. After I picked him up and we started on down the road, he was very thankful, but said “you aren’t scared that I could be a serial killer or something?”

So I chuckled, looked at him and said “The chances that we are both serial killers is probably pretty low, don’t you think?”

You Know You’re a Mom When . . .

1. Your feet stick to the kitchen floor . . . and you don’t care.

2. When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone’s bleeding.

3. You can’t find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

4. You spend an entire week wearing sweats.

5. Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.

6. Popsicle’s become a food staple.

7. Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

8. Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.

9. You’re willing to kiss your child’s boo-boo, regardless of where it is.

10. Your baby’s pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her, after you suck the dirt off of it because your too busy to wash it off.

11. Your kids make jokes about flatulence, burping, pooping, etc…. and you think it’s funny.

12. You’re so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!

13. Spit is your number one cleaning agent.

14. In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions.

15. You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

16. The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice crispy bars.

17. You’re up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, roller blading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet . . . you STILL managed to gain 10 pounds.

Well That’s Festive