Carol Burnett Show outtakes – Tim Conway’s Elephant Story
The funniest show in television history!
Things You Don’t Want To Hear During Surgery
1. “Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.”
2. “Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop.”
3. “Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness”
4. “Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!”
5. “Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?”
6. “Hand me that…uh…that uh…..thingie.”
7. “Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.”
8. “Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?”
9. “Damn, there go the lights again….”
10. “Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy’s got two of them.”
11. “What do you mean you want a divorce?”
An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. She was so upset that she went up to the man and said, “I was going to park there!”
The man, being a real smart alec, said, “Oh, well, that’s what you can do when you’re young and bright.”
This made the lady even angrier, so she got in her car and while backing up, pressed on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes. The young man raced back to his car and exclaimed, “What did you go and do that for?”
The little old lady smiled and replied, “That’s what you can do when you’re old and rich!”
Alabama Drivers License Application
Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.
Last name: ________________
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Billy-Joe [_] Billy-Ray [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bubba
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Janitor [_] Still Operator [_] Un-employed
Spouse’s Name: ______________________________
2nd Spouse’s Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse’s Name: __________________________
Girlfriend’s Name: _______________________________
2nd Girlfriend’s Name: ____________________________
Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Mother [_] Cousin [_] Daughter [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mama’s Name: ____________________
Daddy’s Name: ____________________
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) If you obtained a higher education what was your major? [_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)
Where do you keep your firearms:
____ truck ____ kitchen ____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse ____ shed ____ pawnshop
Model and year of your pickup: 194_ 195_ 196_ 197_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe [_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest [_] Guns and Ammo [_] Bassmasters
___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not Applicable
How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow [_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco or snuff you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal [_] Levi-Garrett [_] Copenhagen [_] Days Work [_] Garrett Sweet Snuff [_] Cannon Ball
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles [_] don’t know
Why Am I Married?
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
“Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
“Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.”
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
“You can have mine.”
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
Father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying.”
A young son asked, “Is it true, Dad that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?”
Dad replied, “That happens in every country, son.”
Then there was a woman who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.”
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say — talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it wasn’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, “My wife’s an angel!”
Second guy remarks, “You’re lucky. Mine’s still alive.”
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
American Vs Japanese Car Makers
A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (Ford Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people paddling and 1 person steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people paddling.
Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were paddling.
Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the paddling team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people paddling the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the ‘Rowing Team Quality First Program,’ with meetings, dinners and free pens for the paddlers. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices, and bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to ‘equal the competition’ and some of the resultant savings were channeled into morale boosting programs and teamwork posters.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off one paddler, halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses.
The next year, try as he might, the lone designated paddler was unable to even finish the race (having no paddles), so he was laid off for unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next year’s racing team was out-sourced to India.
Sadly, the End.
Fun Things To Do In An Elevator
• Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.
• Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
• Burp, and then say “mmmm…tasty!”
• Leave a box between the doors.
• Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
• Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers “through” it.
• Start a sing-along.
• When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “is that your beeper?”
• Play the harmonica.
• Shadow box.
• Say “Ding!” at each floor.
• Lean against the button panel.
• Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.
• Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
• Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”
• Bring a chair along.
• Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”
• Blow spit bubbles.
• Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
• Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”
• Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
• Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
• Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.
• Stare at your thumb and say “I think it’s getting larger.”
• If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler “Bad touch!”
Using The Internet For Homework
Mother: “How’s your history paper coming?”
Son: “Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research and it’s been very helpful.
Son: “Yes, so far I’ve located 17 people who sell them!”
10 Words That Don’t Exist, But Should
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks’trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar’pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow ‘remove’ all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon’iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak’ to man gyu lay’ shun) n. Manhandling the “open here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the ‘illegal’ side.
7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay’) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee’ zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup’kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.
The Wedding Test
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me…It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her ‘little’ sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, ‘I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.’ I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, ‘We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.’
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
Top Stories For The Year 2037
• Spotted Owl plague threatens western American crops and livestock.
• 30-year study proclaims diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
• Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
• Baby conceived naturally — scientists stumped.
• Authentic year 2000 Florida “chad” sells at Sotheby’s for $4.6 million.
• Ozone created by electric cars kills thousands in Los Angeles.
• In sports news: Average height of NBA players now 9′ 7″. Baseball players threaten to strike.
• New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered as weapons by January 2036.
• Colorado motorist arrested for not driving SUV.
• Senator Strom Thurmond remains dead; but continues to cast votes.
• Oprah Winfrey, nearing retirement, buys Illinois.
• Spam, called “worse than it ever has been,” is “ruining online experience.” Congress considering a law to tax it.