Between Two Ferns With Zach Galifianakis: Hillary Clinton
Network TV’s All New 2016 Lineup
Top 10 Things Not To Say When Meeting Her Folks
10. Sure hope your daughter is this good looking when I sober up.
9. It’s a funny story how I met your daughter. It all started when I found her phone number on a bathroom wall.
8. Is that your Harley I back into on the driveway?
7. Actually, I think I’m quite mature. Being sexually active since the age of 11 will do that to you.
6. Well now I can see where your daughter gets her looks from. Nevertheless, you would really benefit from one of those new anti-wrinkle creams.
5. Julia! I haven’t seen you since high school! Isn’t this funny – first I dated you and now 25 years later, I’m dating your daughter.
4. Don’t you worry about a thing sir. I believe in safe sex.
3. No really, you look great! All I’m saying is modern skin creams can work wonders!
2. I just got my license today. You know what they say- the sixth time is a charm.
1. When you date as many tramps as I do it’s nice to be going out with a nice girl like your daughter.
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
“Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are; show them your cross.”
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!”
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough?
You Know You’re A Redneck When…
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think “The Nutcracker” is something you do off the high dive.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized, because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say “Cool Whip” on the side.
24. The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65
ON DEEP THOUGHTS
A day without sunshine is like night
ON HIGHER EDUCATION
College is a fountain of knowledge… and the students are there to drink
He who dies with the most toys, is, never-the-less, still quite dead
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity
ON THE GOOD OLD DAYS
Nostalgia just isn’t what it used to be
All things being equal, fat people use more soap
The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity
ON REVISIONIST HISTORY
What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?
When finding a common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero
ON MATERIAL SCIENCE
Character density: The number of very weird people in the office
Save the whales. Collect the whole set now while you still can
Some novels are not to be tossed aside lightly; they should be thrown with great force
ON THE FALL OF ROME
The Empire fell because lacking zero, they had no way to develop computers
The meek shall inherit the earth…they are too weak to refuse
ON HUMAN RELATIONS
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism
He who hesitates is probably right
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach
Work is accomplished by employees who haven’t reached their level of incompetence
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends
Employ teenagers – while they know everything
Adolescence is the time between puberty & adultery
The World Shortest Books
- The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
- “Things I Wouldn’t Do for Money” by Dennis Rodman
- Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean
- America’s Most Popular Lawyers
- Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
- Detroit – A Travel Guide
- Different Ways to Spell “Bob”
- Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches
- Easy UNIX
- Everything Men Know About Women
- Everything Women Know About Men
- French Hospitality
- George Foreman’s Big Book of Baby Names
- “How to Sustain a Musical Career” by Art Garfunkel
- Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette
- “One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes” by the EPA
- Staple Your Way to Success
- The Amish Phone Directory
- The Engineer’s Guide to Fashion
IDIOT SIGHTING: We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears Repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a “large” enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook His head and said, “Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.” I responded that
1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, “NO, it’s not.” Four is larger than Two.” We haven’t used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the Removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: “Too many deer Are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for Them to be crossing anymore.” >From Kingman, KS.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce. He was A Chef? Yep…
From Kansas City!
IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?” To which I replied, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He smiled knowingly and nodded, “That’s why we ask.”
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, She responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?!” She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS.
IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to “downsizing.” Our manager commented cheerfully, “This is fun. We should do this more often.” Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power Strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “its open!”
His reply, “I know. I already got that side.” This was at the Ford Dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
You’re No Longer “Cool” when…
• You find yourself listening to talk radio
• (or worse) you call in yourself!
• The pattern on your shorts and couch match
• You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit
• Your wife buys a flannel nightie and you find that sexy
• You think “Tragically Hip” involves a man’s mid-life crisis
• You criticize the kids for their music, forgetting your teen years
• You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of joining it
• You turn down free concert tickets because you have to work the next day
• You think grass is something that you cut, not cultivate
• When jogging is something you do to your memory
• Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair
• Sex becomes just too risky or too much trouble
• Getting a little action means your prune juice is working
• You bought your first car for the same price you paid for new shoes
• You actually ask for your parents’ advice
• You don’t know how to operate a fax machine
• When someone mentions “surfing” you picture waves and a surf board
• You can’t figure out what makes anything about Madonna newsworthy
• You start actually liking “Seasons in the Sun”
• Instead of saying, “Good morning”, ask the wife if she’s taken her medicine
• Christmas starts to piss you off
• Your idea of fun parties now involves only Chips, Salsa and Snapple
• You leave concerts and sports events early to beat the crowd
• You don’t want a sports-type vehicle because of the insurance premiums
• You’re no longer sure what’s cool and what isn’t
• Co-workers you’ve always thought of as contemporaries now come to you for sage counsel
Can’t Say When Drunk
Things that are difficult to say when you’re drunk…
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you’re drunk…
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you’re drunk…
a) Thanks, but I don’t want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight?
f) I’m not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn’t – no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I’d hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
Letters To Landlords
1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
2. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
3. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
4. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
5. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
6. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
7. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.
8. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and need it straight away.
The Pillsbury Doughboy
Please join us in remembering another great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications
from repeated pokes in the belly.
He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The gravesite was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.
He was not considered a very ‘smart’ cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven.
He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.