Friday Fun Stuff – 7-24-26 | Friday Fun Stuff

Shock Therapy – The Simpsons

The universal dysfunctional family

Puritans – Mitchell and Webb

Savage Comebacks To Insults

I. Insult: “Your so short”
Reply: “Yes, without the ‘S’ and ‘R’”

2. Insult: “Your adopted!”
Reply: “At least, I was wanted unlike you”

3. Insult: “Awh… are you gonna cry?”
Reply: “Yes cuz your breath smells like onions”

4. Insult: “Your so dumb”
Reply: “Well if your so smart, then you should know when to shut up.”

5. Insult: “Who are you?”
Reply: “your nightmare”

6. Insult: ‘Does it look like I care?”
Reply: “You care enough to answer”

7. Insult: “Get a life”
Reply: “Like yours? Nah I’ll pass”

8. Insult: “Your two Faced”
Reply: “Yeh, and neither of them likes you”

9. Insult: “Nobody likes you”
Reply: “I’m not responsible for their bad taste”

10. Insult: “Your not funny”
Reply: “Never said I was”

Great, Can You Help Me With This…

WHAT I SAY
“I’m Tech Support…”

WHAT PEOPLE HEAR
“I can repair your computer, fix your internet, configure your printer, build an app and hack into anything. All for free.”

WHAT I MEAN
“I can google better than average.”

Crib Notes For Life

• All the world’s a stage, and I missed rehearsal.
• Boldly go where everyone’s already been, but at discount rates.
• Constant change is here to stay.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• Do it right the first time, and maybe I’ll let you do it again.
• Don’t move, I want to forget you just the way you are.
• Drink ’til she’s cute, but stop before the wedding.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
• Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I stepped on a Tetanus needle today…now what?
• I will defend to your death your right to my opinion.
• I’m getting tired, why don’t YOU try being perfect for awhile?
• If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!
• If you can’t enjoy yourself, enjoy somebody else.
• If you can’t win by reason, go for volume.
• Let go of what you are and you might become what you could be.
• Make sure Reality is not twisted after insertion.
• Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!
• Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
• Public opinion is what people think other people are thinking.
• Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
• Quick!!Act as if nothing has happened!
• Reality is a cheap substitute for Prozac.
• Shake well before and after use.
• Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
• The computer revolution is over. They won.
• The light at the end of the tunnel is a muzzle flash.
• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
• When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

How To Change Your Password.

Password requirements:

Your password must contain at least 14 characters, one uppercase letter, one lowercase letter, one number, one symbol, one ancient curse, the name of your childhood imaginary friend, the emotion your house gives off, exactly three regrets, and one hieroglyph. It cannot contain your name, any dictionary word, any previously used password, or any sequence of characters known to humanity. It must be changed every 17 minutes, but may not resemble any password you’ve ever thought about.

10 Things You Never Hear In Church

1. Hey! It’s my turn to sit in the front pew!
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
3. Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I’ve decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary. Let’s pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before!
8. Since we’re all here, let’s start the service early.
9. Pastor, we’d like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

Now Hiring 911 Dispatcher

Seeking an individual who understands the following:

(Can’t care about anything too much)

1) Work with only 4-6 hours of sleep.
2) Get yelled out by people who called YOU for help.
3) Work 12 hours shifts, sometimes no time to eat or use a restroom.
4) Hide your emotions during the toughest calls.
5) Miss family gatherings, birthdays, kids sporting events.
6) Work a crazy amount of overtime with a high turnover rate where there seems to be a new face every other week.
7) Have crazy thoughts in your head, replay calls in your head and trying to think how you could have changed the outcome – we all know it wouldn’t have made a difference.
8) and so, so much more. Like a lot more. Not even kidding.

Interested? Apply at your local police department.

The Piss Guide According to Australian’s

Pissed: Either angry or drunk. Sometimes both.
Piss Easy: Extremely easy.
Pissed Off: Either in the context of being angry, or having left a place.
Piss Up: An event containing alcohol.
Pissing Down: Raining heavily.
Pissed On: Usually used to describe being rained on.
Piss Around: Dawdle or delay; procrastinate.
Pissing Contest: Attempting to prove one’s abilities are better than someone else’s, for no discernible gain.
Piss Faced (see also Shitfaced): Inebriated.
Pissy: Either angry, or something very small.
Piss-Poor/Piss-Weak: Weak or disappointing.
Piss Head: Alcoholic individual.

The Beer Prayer

Our lager, which art in barrels, hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be will be drunk, (I will be drunk,) at home as it is in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head, and forgive us our spillage
As we forgive those who spilt against us

But deliver us from hangovers.
And lead us not into incarceration,

For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager.

What’s 2 + 2?

ENGINEER:- “It lies between 3.98 and 4.02″
MATHEMATICIAN:- “In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof.”
PHYSICIST:- “It’s in the magnitude Of 1 x 101.”
LOGICIAN:- “This problem is solvable.”
SOCIAL WORKER:- “I don’t know the answer, but I am glad that we discussed this important question.”
ATTORNEY:- “In the case Of Sven son vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4.”
TRADER:- “Are you buying or selling?”
ACCOUNTANT:- “What would you like it to be?”

Why You Should Be Able To Pick Your Own Doctor

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.

A nurse stopped him and asked, “What’s the matter?”

He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.’”

“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”

“She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!”

I’ll Be Back For You In A Bit!