Friday Fun Stuff – 8-2-19

Tone Deaf

Playing Doctor

The Top 12 Pick-Up Lines Used By Star Wars Fans

12. “Hey, Beautiful. What’s a nice girl like you doing waiting in line without bathing for 10 days?”
11. “Your place or my Mom’s?”
10 “I… uh… ummm… I… uh… (slaps own forehead) Stupid! STOO-pid!”
9. “You’re even prettier than my fantasy girlfriend.”
8. “I may look like an Ewok, but I’m all Wookie where it counts, baby.”
7. “Date, or date not — there is no ‘let’s just friends be’.”
6. “If you only knew the power of the Dork Side.”
5. “How’s about a long time of Joe, in a bedroom not far away?”
4. “Nice buns, Princess! On your head, that is.”
3. “Honey, you’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places!”
2. “If I said you had a mint first-edition, still-in-box action figure, would you hold it against me?”
1. “I’m gonna be an evil warlord when I grow up. Want a Milk Dud?”

Top Quotes By Famous Atheists

1. Creationists make it sound like a ‘theory’ is something you dreamt up after being drunk all night — Isaac Asimov

2. I don’t believe in God. My god is patriotism. Teach a man to be a good citizen and you have solved the problem of life. — Andrew Carnegie

3. All thinking men are atheists. — Ernest Hemingway

4. Lighthouses are more helpful then churches. — Benjamin Franklin

5. Faith means not wanting to know what is true. — Friedrich Nietzsche

6. The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one. — George Bernard Shaw

7. Say what you will about the sweet miracle of unquestioning faith, I consider a capacity for it terrifying and absolutely vile. — Kurt Vonnegut

8. I believe in God, only I spell it Nature. — Frank Lloyd Wright

9. Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest. — Denis Diderot

10. A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows. — Samuel Clemens aka Mark Twain

11. The whole thing is so patently infantile, so foreign to reality, that to anyone with a friendly attitude to humanity it is painful to think that the great majority of mortals will never be able to rise above this view of life. — Sigmund Freud

12. Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful. — Edward Gibbon

13. The church says the earth is flat, but I know that it is round, for I have seen the shadow on the moon, and I have more faith in a shadow than in the church. — Ferdinand Magellan

14. Not only is there no god, but try getting a plumber on weekends. — Woody Allen

15. It’s an incredible con job when you think about it, to believe something now in exchange for something after death. Even corporations with their reward systems don’t try to make it posthumous. — Gloria Steinem

16. When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit! – George Carlin

Ways Of Knowing You’re Living In Arizona

• You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
• You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
• You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
• You can make instant sun tea.
• You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
• The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
• You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
• You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
• You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
• Hot water now comes out of both taps.
• It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
• You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
• You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
• No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
• Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”
• You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

Dirty Words

An old married couple was sitting in their rocking chairs enjoying a beautiful sunset when the old man looked at his wife and said “fuck you!”

A few minutes passed when the woman turned and said the same thing to her husband.

After about half an hour of this the old man said “I’ll never understand why kids today like this oral sex so much!”

Ways To Have Fun At The Expense Of Others

1. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
2. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
3. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
4. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”
5. Practice making fax and modem noises.
6. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc.” them to your boss.
7. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
8. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”
9. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
10. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
11. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
12. Adjust the background color on your email so that all your email correspondence is in green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
13. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

5 Signs That You Are Turning Into A Dictator

Do you ever get the overwhelming urge to run your own country? Do you ever feel that everyone else is a fool and only you, and you alone, know what is good for the world? Ever feel the need to erect lots of statues of yourself?
If you answer yes to any of these questions, then there’s a good chance that you’re turning into a dictator. Hitler, Saddam, Stalin, Castro… and now, you. Here are five simple signs to look out for if you’re worried you might be turning into a dictator.

5. Absolute power, corrupts absolutely.
Power is a seductive mistress, an addictive thrill, one taste and you’re left thirsting for more. And with power comes the urge to conform the world to your whim, to bend reality to your designs, to forge your own heaven! As the old saying goes: absolute power corrupts absolutely. And you want that power! You want to control absolutely everything! One day you might be standing on the platform in the rain, waiting for a train which is a little late, the next you’ve vowed to make the trains run on time; not just your train, but all the trains in the country, all the trains in the world if you can get your hands on them! It happens. Just look at poor old Mussolini.

You have the power. You are the law!:

When you get into an argument or debate you see it a little differently from normal people. Most people recognize that whoever they’re arguing with has a different point of view from themselves. Not you. When someone disagrees with you they’re not just expressing their point of view, they’re sowing the seeds of sedition, they’re undermining civil stability and spreading enemy propaganda, they’re practically begging to be taken out behind the chemical sheds and shot. Dictatorship here you come.

4. Genocide: It’s not all bad, is it?
One of the tell tale signs that you’re becoming a dictator is when genocide no longer looks quite so bad. I mean ok, you still don’t think it’s a good thing per se, but you start to think it has it’s uses. Those folks not too keen on towing the party line? Genocide – it’s probably for the best in the long run. The more the potential dictator thinks about it, the better genocide seems. Never much liked the French? Genocide. The skin tone/hair color/traditional clothes of that ethnic grouping not matching the color scheme your designer recommended for that bit of desert? Genocide. Annoyed by old people? Genocide. Squirrels stealing all the nuts? Genocide. It’s a slippery slope to dictatorship.

3. Groupies
Every good dictator needs their own set of groupies. Hitler had his brown shirts, and then the SS. Mussolini had his black shirts. Saddam had the Republican Guard. Seems it just feels nice to be surrounded by people who like you, people who are dedicated to you, people who would kill and die for you. So, if you ever start feeling the need to surround yourself with a large group of very violent people, preferably all wearing the same color shirts or sporting large 80’s aviator sun glasses (even when they’re inside) or waxed moustaches, then you’re in danger of becoming a dictator.

2. Eccentric? Moi?
It’s a well known fact that dictators are pretty darn eccentric and don’t feel bad about imposing their little oddities upon their loyal subjects. So if you ever feel the desire, just for the hell of it, or wonder what it would be like to: make beards illegal, have ‘Hopping Wednesdays’, deport all the turtles, declare yourself a reincarnation of Napoleon or make everybody shave the left side of their head; then you’re well on your way to dictatorship.

1. Me, Me, Me.
Dictators are well known to be egomaniacs. There seems to be a strange correlation between being a dictator and feeling the need to erect lots of statues of yourself in flattering and glorifying poses, to plaster every available flat surface with posters of yourself, to mint coins with your stately noggin printed on them, to put your face on all the stamps, on all the chocolate bars, to have your own three hours weekly television program. In short, you really love yourself. Of course dictators explain this strange egocentricity away by saying that it’s just so that people know they care about them, to know that they are looking over and after their people. Yeah, that explains why little Jimmy has to wake up screaming and sweating in the night to a poster of your dictatorial grin looking down on him from the bedroom ceiling. So if you ever get the urge to start slapping photos of yourself all over the place, then you’re probably becoming a dictator.

Signs You’re From New York

• You say “the city” and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
• You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill.
• You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
• You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
• The homeless are invisible.
• The subway makes sense.
• The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.
• You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
• You think $9.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.
• You’ve considered stabbing someone just for saying “The Big Apple”.
• Your door has more than three locks.
• You go to a hockey game for the fighting…In the stands…To participate.
• Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.
• The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
• You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
• You call an 8′ x 10′ plot of patchy grass a yard.
• You complain about having to mow it.
• You are a skee-ball juggernaut.
• You consider Westchester “Upstate”.

Mobster’s Last Present

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed and told him: “Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me”.

The grandson replies: “But grandpa I really don’t like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead”.

The don, angry, answers: “You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come home and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘TIMES UP’”?

Jewish Jokes

A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi in Bnei Brak. (a town in Israel )
”Yankele and Yosele are both in love with me,” she says. ”Who will be the lucky one?”
The wise old Rabbi answers: “Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the lucky one.

If a married Jewish man is walking alone in a park and expresses an opinion without anybody hearing him, is he still wrong?

My father says, “Marry a girl who has the same belief as the family.”
I said, “Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I’m a schmuck?”

Jewish Marriage advice” Don’t marry a beautiful person. They may leave you.
Of course, an ugly person may leave you too. But who cares?”

Morris, went to his rabbi for some needed advice. “Rabbi, tell me is it proper for one man to profit from another man’s mistakes?”
“No Morris, a man should not profit from another’s man mistakes” answered the rabbi.
“Are you sure Rabbi?”
“Of course, I’m sure, in fact I’m positive” exclaimed the Rabbi.
“Ok, Rabbi, if you are so sure, how about returning the two hundred dollars I gave you for marrying me to my wife?”

The Italian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have wine.”
The Frenchman says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have cognac.”
The Russian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.”
The German says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have beer.”
The Mexican says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have tequila.”
The Jew says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.”

Jewish proverb: “A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she’ll never forget what she forgave.”

Top Signs That You Have A Boring Job

• You’re introduced to everyone as “The Minesweeper God”.
• You have visited every website in the world.
• You’re the Spelling Bee Coordinator in rural Alabama.
• You are the only one that is ready for the rush of ticket sales for that New Kids on the Block reunion tour.
• You’re able to pull staples out of papers with your teeth.
• Your doctor says that he’s never seen someone exposed to so much photocopier radiation in his life.
• Your workload is so intense that you can write Top 10 lists all day long.
• In your 10 years on the force as an Amish Traffic Cop, you have not had to write one single speeding ticket.

I’m Going To Take A Wild Guess And Say There Not In Europe
I'm Going To Take A Wild Guess Andc Say There Not In Europe
Turn Around I Don’t Want To Risk It!
Turn Around I Don't Want To Risk It!
Chopsticks For Dummies
Chopsticks For Dummies
It’s Not Like They’d Answer Anyway
It's Not Like Theyd Answer Anyway
Alright, Now The Store Is Just Getting Lazy
Alright Now The Store Is Just Getting Lazy
Well Thank You Captain Obvious
Well Thank You Catain Obvious
If This Doesn’t Motivate Them Nothing Will
If This Doesn't Motivate Them Nothing Will
Just Don’t Compliment A Solder On His ‘Makeup’
Just Don't Commplement A Solder On His 'Makup'
Hell Yes!
Hell Yes
Realistic Decision Making
Realistic Decision Making

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