What You Wish You Could Say At The Gym
If Men Were Honest When Hitting On Women
Fun Things To Do At A Drive Thru…
I’m not responsible if you get poisoned
• Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
• Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for.
• Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.
• Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
• Pay for a large order in pennies unwrapped.
• Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in.
• When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.
• Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
• Ask how they fit into that little box.
• If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
• Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said “May I take your order?”
• When asked if they can take your order say “No, why can’t I take yours?”
• If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
• Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away.
• Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
• Order a cup of water and two napkins. That’s it.
• Don’t order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
• When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it.
• Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don’t break your stare.
• Honk your horn the whole way through the line.
Best Excuse Ever!
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.”
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, “My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!”
You Didn’t Know These People Were That Funny Did You?
• “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln
• “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” – Abraham Lincoln
• “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln
• “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire
• “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” – Alan Dundes
• “Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” – Albert Camus
• “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” – Albert Einstein
• “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein
• “All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.” – Alexander Woollcott
• “War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.” – Ambrose Bierce
• “It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.” – Andy Borowitz
• “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” – Andy Rooney
• “At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers
• “If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.” – Ann Landers
Be Careful What You Ask Them
Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: “Meat!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
Student: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Student: “Homework!”
You Might Be A Redneck If…
1. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)
2. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
3. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
4. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you’ll wear to the 4-H Fair.
5. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
6. Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
7. You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
8. You mow your lawn and find a car.
9. You can spit without opening your mouth.
10. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
11. You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
12. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
13. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
14. You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
15. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
16. You participate in the “who can spit tobacco the farthest contest”.
17. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
18. You’ve never paid for a haircut.
19. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
20. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
The Right Name
Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, “Jesús is watching you.”
He looked around and saw nothing.
He kept on creeping and again heard, “Jesús is watching you.”
In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside.
The burglar asked the parrot, “Was it you who said Jesús is watching me”
The parrot replied, “Yes.”
Relieved, the burglar asked, “What is your name?”
The parrot said, “Clarence.”
The burglar said, “That’s a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?”
The parrot answered, “The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús.”
Top Reasons Why It’s Great To Be American
• You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
• You can call Budweiser beer
• You can be a crook and still be president
• If you’ve got enough money you can get elected to do anything
• If you can breathe you can get a gun
• You can invent a new public holiday every year
• You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
• You get to call everyone you’ve never met “buddy”
• You can think you’re the greatest nation on earth without ever going to any other nation.
• You can get a pizza within minutes of ordering.
More Then A Few Weird Signs
1. Sign in a science teacher’s room: “If it moves, it’s biology. If it stinks, it’s chemistry. If it doesn’t work, it’s physics.”
2. Sign in butchers window: “Pleased to meat you.”
3. Sign on auto body shop: “May we have the next dents?”
4. Sign at the dry cleaner’s window: “Drop your pants here.”
5. Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery: “Reserved for plant manager.”
6. Sign in an Acapulco Hotel: “The manager has personally passed all the water served here.”
7. Sign in a Norwegian lounge: “Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.”
8. Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward: “Please do not disturb further.”
9. Sign in an office: “We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.”
10. Sign in a veterinary’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
11. Sign on music teachers’ door: “Out Chopin.”
12. Sign at the electric company: “We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”
13. Sign in beauty shop window: “Dye now!”
14. Sign on a garbage truck: “We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.”
15. Sign at a computer store: “Out for a quick byte.”
16. Sign on restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fed up.”
17. Sign in a bowling alley: “Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.”
18. Sign on an asphalt truck: “Let us fill your crack!”
19. Sign outside an office: “Ace exterminating – we kill bugs dead, walk-ins welcome.”
Why Yes I’m A Genius
A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot.
The genius says, “Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don’t know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can’t answer yours I will give you $5,000.”
The idiot says, “Okay.”
The genius then asks, “How many continents are there in the world?”
The idiot doesn’t know and hands over the $5.
The idiot says, “Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?”
The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000.
The genius says, “Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?”
The idiot hands over $5.
Mommy Mommy Again
If you’ve never heard of mommy mommy jokes they are rude crude lude and simply disgusting so continue reading at your own risk.
Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up or I’ll chop off the other leg!
Mommy, Mommy! Grandma’s got a bruise.
Shut up and eat around it!
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?
Shut up and eat your cornflakes!
Mommy, Mommy! What’s in those CARE packages they send to Africa?
Shut up and get back in the box!
Mommy, Mommy! The teacher says I look like a monkey!
Shut up and comb your face!
Mommy, Mommy! Billy won’t let go of my ear.
Billy, let go of Susie’s ear.
Billy! Let go of her ear!
All right Billy, give me the ear.
Mommy, Mommy! I hate daddy’s guts.
Well, just leave them on the side of the plate.
Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy so pale?
Shut up and keep digging.
Mommy, Mommy! Why is Daddy zigzagging in the yard?
Shut up and shoot him again!
Mommy, Mommy! Can I lick the bowl?
Shut up and flush.
Mommy, Mommy! It’s cold and wet down here.
Shut up or I’ll flush it again.
| I Don’t Think He Gets The Whole Vow Of Poverty Thing |
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| They Wouldn’t Have Put It Up If Someone Hadn’t Have Done It |
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| I’m Not Going To Spend A Hundred Dollars For A Delivery That I Can Do On My Own |
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| But Could You Check Just To Make Sure |
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| The Next Time You Hear That Your Cops Are Under Equipped Remember What These Guys Have To Use |
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| Shut Up And Give Me A Drink Wilbur! |
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| It’s Not Our Toy That’s Small, You Just Have Freakishly Big Kids! |
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| Just Once! |
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| If There Stupid Enough To Need The Instructions, How Did They Get The Box Open? |
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| And He Lived Haply Ever After |
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