Mandles Candles for Men, Manly Men
The Wit of Phyllis Diller
1. Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
2. Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
3. Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
4. A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
5. The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
6. Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
7. A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
8. I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
9. Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
10. Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
11. Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
12. We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
13. Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
14. If it weren’t for professional sports, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.
15. You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
16. I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
17. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
18. The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
19. I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
20. His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
21. Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
22. My photographs don’t do me justice…they just look like me.
23. There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
24. I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
25. My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
26. My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
27. Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
28. I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
29. The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
30. You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
6 Dumb Criminals With Worse Luck Than You
You might be the Einstein of the criminal set, but without a bit of luck you could still end up in the clink. Here are a few crooks that should have ponied up for a rabbit’s foot.
The Back-to-Jail Special
Two men decided a back-to-school event at an office supply store would be the perfect time to do some shoplifting. After all, store clerks would be busy helping an influx of shoppers.
Bad luck: The sale happened to coincide with the annual “Shop with a Cop” day, when about 60 police officers show up to help children pick out school supplies.
Police in Ossining, New York, were called to a mini-mart where they found Blake Leak, 23, trying to break in. They chased Leak through the streets until both cops took a tumble. Seizing the opportunity, Leak sought refuge on the grounds of a large building.
Bad luck: The building was the Sing Sing Maximum Security prison, where he was promptly nabbed by a guard
You Mean It’s Not Scout Night?
Two machete-wielding men barged into a Sydney, Australia, bar demanding money.
Bad luck: They didn’t know the club was hosting a bikers’ meeting at the time. One of the robbers ended up in the hospital, the other hog-tied with electrical wire.
Worst Customer Service Ever!
Joseph Goetz’s alleged attempt to rob a York, Pennsylvania, bank met with some snags.
Bad luck: Cops say the first teller he tried to rob fainted and the next two had no more cash in their drawers. Fed up, Goetz stormed out, threatening to write an angry letter to the bank.
Mitchell Deslatte walked into a Baton Rouge, Louisiana, hotel and asked the clerk for a room.
Bad luck: The clerk wasn’t a clerk—he was a state trooper. And the hotel was actually a state trooper station. That’s when Deslatte was arrested and charged with driving while intoxicated.
Robby Rose lost his first-place medal and was charged with a felony after it was discovered that he’d cheated in a Texas fishing tournament by stuffing a one-pound weight down the throat of a bass he’d caught.
Bad luck: Officials became suspicious when they placed Rose’s fish in a tank and it sank to the bottom.
Men vs. Women
Men and women are not alike.
Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have conclusive proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged:
First, a man does not call a relationship a relationship – he refers to it as “that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis.”
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled “All Men Are Idiots.” Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup – at 3 am early on a Sunday morning – he will call and say “I just wanted you to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But I want you to know there’s always a chance for us.” This is known as the “I Hate You/I Love You” drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.
Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults.
Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
Women look good in hats; men look like dorks.
A man has at most six items in his bathroom – a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in a typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Men’s magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
Women’s magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.
When a man says he’s ready to go out, it means he’s ready to go out.
When a woman says she’s ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup,…
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that’s it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.
NUDITY IN MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men.
The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don’t know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker room – sex. Not in abstract terms, either. They’re graphic and technical, and they “never” lie.
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the “ceremony.”
Men talk about “the bachelor party.”
With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like “Ultimate Pecs” and “Big Turk,” women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.
But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.
Shampoo Warning – DO NOT wash your hair in the shower.
IT INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT. WARNING TO US ALL.
I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner – I use shampoo in the shower!!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, “FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME.”
No wonder I have been gaining weight!! Well, I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn Dishwashing Soap. It’s label reads, “DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.”
Problem solved! If I don’t answer the phone, I’ll be in the shower!!
Meet the Dumbest Job Interview Applicants
Human resource pros share the worst things they’ve seen, from real candidates trying to get hired. Here’s what not to do.
“I swear this is true: Someone threw his beer can in the outside trash can before coming into the reception area.”
“A guy once talked during the interview about how an affair cost him a previous job.”
“We ask prospective job applicants at our business to fill out a questionnaire. For the line ‘Choose one word to summarize your strongest professional attribute,’ one woman wrote, ‘I’m very good at following instructions.’”
“Someone once blew her nose and lined up the used tissues on the table in front of her.”
“An individual applied for a customer-service job, and when asked what he might not like about the job, he said, ‘Dealing with people.’”
“Once an applicant’s friend came in and asked, ‘How much longer?’”
“It’s amazing when people come in for an interview and say, ‘Can you tell me about your business?’ Seriously, people. There’s an Internet. Look it up.”
“I had somebody list their prison time as a job. And an exotic dancer who called herself a ‘customer service representative.’”
“I had someone eat all the candy from the candy bowl while trying to answer questions.”
“The candidate sent his sister to interview in his place.”
“Someone applying for a job hugged me at the end of the interview.”
“Applicant delivered prepaid Chinese food, including a fortune cookie with his name and phone.”
“Applicant put up posters of himself in the company parking lot.”
“The candidate arrived in a cat suit.”
“Applicant announced his candidacy with a singing telegram.”
“Applicant rented a billboard, which the hiring manager could see from his office, listing his qualifications.”
“Candidate specified that his availability was limited because Friday, Saturday, and Sunday was ‘drinking time.’”
“Candidate explained an arrest by stating, ‘We stole a pig, but it was a really small pig.’”
“Advertising is a tough business. Which may be why one prospective adman wrote a cover letter boasting, ‘I am getting to my goal, slowly but surly.’”
“A job applicant came in for an interview with a cockatoo on his shoulder.”
Comedians in Chief? Funny Presidential Quotes
During a state visit to Great Britain, President Ronald Reagan purportedly went horseback riding with Queen Elizabeth. At one point, one of the horses passed gas quite loudly. The queen apologized, saying, “There are some things even royalty can’t control.” Reagan replied, “I’m glad you told me, or I would have thought it was the horse.”
“There are few things in life harder to find and more important to keep than love. Well, love and a birth certificate.”
—President Barack Obama, at the 2010 White House Correspondents’ Dinner
“These stories about my intellectual capacity really get under my skin. You know, for a while I even thought my staff believed it. There on my schedule—first thing every morning—it said Intelligence Briefing.”
—George W. Bush, at the 2001 Gridiron Club dinner
“I don’t know whether it’s the finest public housing in America or the crown jewel of the American penal system.”
—Bill Clinton, on the White House
“If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: President Can’t Swim.”
“He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas better than any man I ever met.”
—Abraham Lincoln, coining one of the first lawyer jokes in American history
One day, First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt visited a penitentiary. When FDR asked where she was, he was told, “She’s in prison.”
“I’m not surprised,” Roosevelt responded. “But what for?”
“When they call the roll in the Senate, the senators do not know whether to answer ‘present’ or ‘not guilty.’”
“It was absolutely involuntary. They sank my boat.”
—John Kennedy, answering a boy who asked how he became a war hero
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
“It’s a damn poor mind that can think of only one way to spell a word.”
The following statements were found on patient’s charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we’re afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals:
“The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.”
“Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.”
“The skin was moist and dry.”
“The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.”
“She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.”
“The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.”
“I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.”
“The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.”
“Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.”
“Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.”
“She is numb from her toes down.”
“Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.”
“While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
“The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead.”
“When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.”
“Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.”
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys’ side of the story.
(I think you’ll have to admit, it’s pretty good.) We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note. These are all numbered “1″ ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports it’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…Really.
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football, Hunting, or Fishing.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz glass skim milk
4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed zucchini
1 Oreo cookie
Rest of the package of Oreo cookies
1 quart Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge
2 loaves garlic bread
1 large pepperoni & mushroom pizza
1 large pitcher of beer
3 Milky Way candy bars
1 entire cheesecake
1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories don’t count if you both eat the same amount.
4. Foods used for medicinal purpose have no calories. These include any chocolate used for energy, brandy, cheesecake, and ice cream.
5. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because breakage causes the calories to leak out.
6. If you eat food from someone else’s plate, the calories don’t count.
7. Movie related snacks are much lower in calories because they are part of the entertainment, and not a use of personal fuel.
Women with Weapons
The media have grotesquely skewed the public image of women who choose to own firearms. Unfortunately, such exposure can affect one’s self-image. This test is offered in the hopes of putting these false images into a more proper perspective.
Please circle your answers to each below:
1. What is the real meaning of that pink T-shirt with a revolver on it that says: “The ultimate in feminine protection”?
- 1. Obviously a plot by seditious gun fanatics from the NRA.
- 2. I’m amazed the pigs have no law banning women’s T-Shirts.
- 3. A 9mm for “light days” and a .44 Magnum for “heavy days”.
2. For rape and assault prevention, a whistle is:
- 1. All you’ll ever need.
- 2. Like I’d use yet another phallic symbol.
- 3. The signal to open Fire.
3. The movie “Thelma & Louise” was:
- 1. An insidious plot to stamp out femininity and glorify violence.
- 2. A male ploy to encourage further suppression of women.
- 3. A training film.
4. What was technically wrong with the scene in “Thelma & Louise” where the two women disarmed a Texas State Police Officer.
- 1. Tacky, tasteless, and altogether gauche I mean pointing guns; let alone taking his icky, disgusting gun for their own use.
- 2. Only thing I saw wrong was that it took two sisters to disarm only one man; not realistic at all.
- 3. The dummies left a perfectly good shotgun clamped to the dashboard of the cruiser.
5. A mouse runs across the kitchen floor. The proper response it to:
- 1. Climb onto a high stool and scream for a man to help you.
- 2. Is it a male mouse or a female mouse?
- 3. Link up the belt feed to the M-60.
6. You are discussing the local crime stats with your neighbor, Ralph, who suggests you buy a .25 caliber pistol for defense. You reply:
- 1. Never! A woman who buys a gun has humiliatingly surrendered to the evil ethos of mindless brute force!
- 2. Yeah, like I’m supposed to stand there and let old fat gut Ralph leer and drool like he usually does. Men are such pigs!
- 3. Only to plant in the dead hand of the next little weasel stupid enough to give me wimpy advice like that!
7. What is your reaction to the concept of a bra holster?
- 1. Obscene! The icon of death with the symbol of nurturing.
- 2. What’s a bra?
- 3. As long as it doesn’t get in the way of my shoulder sling.
8. Define “male.”
- 1. The first syllable of “malevolence,” which in turn is only one letter short of “male violence.”
- 2. An animal with a one track mind. A brute who feels the need to try to control, suppress, double-talk all women everywhere.
- 3. A quaint anachronism, once useful for protection of females, but rendered obsolete by contemporary firepower.
9. Where, in the scheme of things defensive, do such spray products as Mace and pepper spray belong?
- 1. Nowhere! If you just show your attacker compassion and understanding, you won’t need nasty things like that.
- 2. Yet more products of questionable effect manufactured by the male dominated industrial complex to make women feel somewhat secure.
- 3. In the medicine cabinet; real women use mace instead of Feminique.
10. You are cornered in your home by a knife-wielding intruder. He ignores your command to halt, and charges you with the knife upraised. How many shots should you fire?
- 1. None. It would be better to die or submit than sacrifice moral victory by using deadly force. How unseemly and gauche.
- 2. As many as I had, assuming the male dominated firearms industry would sell me a gun; or let alone ammunition in the first place.
- 3. A minimum of fifty shots. Hey, how often do you get a chance like that to express yourself, and get in touch with your feelings?
Grading the Exam
* If 8 or more of your answers were “1″: This indicates you’re a true pacifist. Perhaps the meek will indeed inherit the earth someday, as it is written, but only when the rest of us are done with it.
* If 8 or more of your answers were “2″: Hey babe — you’re stuck in the 60′s sweetheart. Loosen up! A full 12.7% of you chicks have good jobs and make almost as much us men now. I mean like … What more do you want outta us poor males?
* If 8 or more of your answers were “3″: Don’t feel too bad. Society may not yet have a place for you, but Hollywood will, as soon as they start casting for the lead role in “Bride of Rambo”.