Jokes – Old People

10 Great Truths Adults Have Learned About Life
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.2. There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.

3. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.

5. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

6. Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

7. Laughing helps. It’s like jogging on the inside.

8. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

9. If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.

10. You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
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Class Of 2011
Most of the students entering College this fall, members of the Class of 2011, were born in 1989.
For them:

1. Alvin Ailey, Andrei Sakharov, Huey Newton, Emperor Hirohito, Ted Bundy, Abbie Hoffman, and Don the Beachcomber have always been dead.
2. What Berlin wall?
3. Humvees, minus the artillery, have always been available to the public.
4. Rush Limbaugh and the “Dittoheads” have always been lambasting liberals.
5. They never “rolled down” a car window.
6. Michael Moore has always been angry and funny.
7. They may confuse the Keating Five with a rock group.
8. They have grown up with bottled water.
9. General Motors has always been working on an electric car.
10. Nelson Mandela has always been free and a force in South Africa.
11. Pete Rose has never played baseball.
12. Rap music has always been mainstream.
13. Religious leaders have always been telling politicians what to do, or else!
14. “Off the hook” has never had anything to do with a telephone.
15. Music has always been “unplugged.”
16. Russia has always had a multi-party political system.
17. Women have always been police chiefs in major cities.
18. They were born the year Harvard Law Review Editor Barack Obama announced he might run for office some day.
19. The NBA season has always gone on and on and on and on.
20. Classmates could include Michelle Wie, Jordin Sparks, and Bart Simpson.
21. Half of them may have been members of the Baby-sitters Club.
22. Eastern Airlines has never “earned their wings” in their lifetime.
23. No one has ever been able to sit down comfortably to a meal of “liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.”
24. Wal-Mart has always been a larger retailer than Sears and has always employed more workers than GM.
25. Being “lame” has to do with being dumb or inarticulate, not disabled.
26. Wolf Blitzer has always been serving up the news on CNN.
27. Katie Couric has always had screen cred.
28. Al Gore has always been running for president or thinking about it.
29. They never found a prize in a Coca-Cola “MagiCan.”
30. They were too young to understand Judas Priest’s subliminal messages.
31. When all else fails, the Prozac defense has always been a possibility.
32. Multigrain chips have always provided healthful junk food.
33. They grew up in Wayne’s World.
34. U2 has always been more than a spy plane.
35. They were introduced to Jack Nicholson as “The Joker.”
36. Stadiums, rock tours and sporting events have always had corporate names.
37. American rock groups have always appeared in Moscow.
38. Commercial product placements have been the norm in films and on TV.
39. On Parents’ Day on campus, their folks could be mixing it up with Lisa Bonet and
Lenny Kravitz with daughter Zöe, or Kathie Lee and Frank Gifford with son Cody.
40. Fox has always been a major network.
41. They drove their parents crazy with the Beavis and Butt-Head laugh.
42. The “Blue Man Group” has always been everywhere.
43. Women’s studies majors have always been offered on campus.
44. Being a latchkey kid has never been a big deal.
45. Thanks to MySpace and Facebook, autobiography can happen in real time.
46. They learned about JFK from Oliver Stone and Malcolm X from Spike Lee.
47. Most phone calls have never been private.
48. High definition television has always been available.
49. Microbreweries have always been ubiquitous.
50. Virtual reality has always been available when the real thing failed.
51. Smoking has never been allowed in public spaces in France.
52. China has always been more interested in making money than in reeducation.
53. Time has always worked with Warner.
54. Tiananmen Square is a 2008 Olympics venue, not the scene of a massacre.
55. The purchase of ivory has always been banned.
56. MTV has never featured music videos.
57. The space program has never really caught their attention except in disasters.
58. Jerry Springer has always been lowering the level of discourse on TV.
59. They get much more information from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert than from the newspaper.
60. They’re always texting 1 n other.
61. They will encounter roughly equal numbers of female and male professors in the classroom.
62. They never saw Johnny Carson live on television.
63. They have no idea who Rusty Jones was or why he said “goodbye to rusty cars.”
64. Avatars have nothing to do with Hindu deities.
65. Chavez has nothing to do with iceberg lettuce and everything to do with oil.
66. Illinois has been trying to ban smoking since the year they were born.
67. The World Wide Web has been an online tool since they were born.
68. Chronic fatigue syndrome has always been debilitating and controversial.
69. Burma has always been Myanmar.
70. Dilbert has always been ridiculing cubicle culture.
71. Food packaging has always included nutritional labeling.You don’t feel old now do you?
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O.M.G., I'm Rich!
Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth
Crystals in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood
Lead in the Ass
Iron in the Arteries
And an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.I never thought I’d accumulate such wealth.
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Questions And Answers From AARP Forum
Q: Where can men over the age of 55 find younger, sexy partners who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under fiction.Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you’re done you’ll have a place to live.Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in The Bible. Is that true?
Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: “And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Egypt.”

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 55-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 55-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 55-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 55-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 55-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: “Gosh, I remember these!”

SMILE, You’ve still got your sense of humor, RIGHT?
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Top 10 Party Games for People Over 60
1. Sag! You’re it!
2. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted in your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over.
6. Doc, doc, goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Musical recliners.
9. Spin the bottle of Mylanta.
10. Hide and go pee!
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Wisdom Of A Retiree
I’ve often been asked, ‘What do you old folks do now that you’re retired?Well, I’m fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.
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Yes, I'm A Senior Citizen!
I’m the life of the party…… even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I’m very good at opening childproof caps… with a hammer.
I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a thing you’re saying.
I’m very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over…
I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
I’m so cared for — long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.I’m not really grouchy,
I just don’t like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, Jenny Craig and Toyota commercials, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can’t seem to remember right now.I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
I’m wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that’s just my left leg.
I’m having trouble remembering simple words like…….
I’m beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.
I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?
I’m wondering, if you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?

I’m a walking storeroom of facts….. I’ve just lost the key to the storeroom door.

Yes, I’m a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me?
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Senior Personal Ads
(As seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers)Who says seniors don’t have a sense of humor?

Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80′s, slim, 5′-4″ (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights, and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.

I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.

Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Not in running condition but walks well.
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Expensive Perfume
A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, “Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!”Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, “Channel No. 5, $150 an ounce!”

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, turns, bends over and farts……. “Broccoli – 49 cents a pound.”
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Willie Nelson Commenting On His 75th Birthday
Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly the words of a deep thinker, and a highly intelligent person.So simple, yet so profound!

Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer, on his 75th birthday below his esteemed portrait.

Only a man with such wisdom and maturity could be so concise and succinct in phrasing his feelings at this turning point in his life.

“I have outlived my pecker.”
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A Senior’s Trip To Costco
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina Dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the Checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.What did she think I had, an elephant?
So since I’m retired and have little to do, so on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish setter’s butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won’t let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
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Getting Older
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. “Yes, Dad, what is it?” “Don’t be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife….”Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know “why” I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don’t recognize you.

First you forget names,
Then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It’s worse when you forget to pull it down.
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OLD Is When...
…your sweetie says, “Lets go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both!”
…your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
…a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.
…you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
…you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
…when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
…when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
…”getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any fiber today.
…”getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.
… an “all nighter” means not getting up to pee!Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn’t that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?
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The Veterinarian
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by
curiosity, approached her.”Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.

“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church.”

The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?”

The elderly woman answered, “$10,000 a week.”

The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?”

“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.

“That’s an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money,” the pastor said. “Where does he practice?”

The woman answered proudly, “In Nevada … He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno ‘
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Workout Plan For Those Over 50 Years Old
Got an old grandpa or grandma a little out of shape? Are you an old fart wanting to lift weights but don’t know where to start? Follow along while we whip you into great condition!Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
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Age Is A Funny Thing
When you’re a kid you always claim to be as old as you can. “I’m 5 and a half!”You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? “I’m gonna be 16.” You could be 12, but you’re gonna be 16.

And then the greatest day of your life happens … you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony …. you BECOME 21 … YES!!!

But then you turn 30 … ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk … He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now.

What’s wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40 … stay over there, it’s all slipping away …

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you’re PUSHING 40, you REACH 50… and your dreams are gone.

Then you MAKE IT to 60 … you didn’t think you’d make it!!!!

So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you’re PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60 … then you build up so much speed you HIT 70!

After that, it’s a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday…

You get into your 80′s, you HIT lunch.

You TURN 4:30, my grandmother won’t even buy green bananas … it’s an investment you know, and maybe a bad one.

And it doesn’t end there … into the 90′s you start going backwards… I was JUST 92 …

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again … “I’m 100 and a half!!!!
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Famous Quotes About Getting Old
• I much prefer being over the hill to being under it. ~Bruce Lansky
• At my age I don’t care if my mind starts to wander- just as long as it comes back again. ~Mike Knowles
• Middle age is when a narrow waist and a broad mind begin to change places. ~Glenn Dorenbush
• When you can finally afford the rings you want, you’d rather no one noticed your hands. ~Lois Muehl
• A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. ~Henny Youngman
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Little Old Lady In Court
Your honor, I am 86 years old.So here I am, sitting there on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sits beside me.

He starts to rub my thigh, and it feels good, you’re Honor. So I don’t stop him, and he begins to rub my old breasts, Your Honor.

Why, Your Honor, I haven’t felt that good in years! So I just spread my old legs and say to him, “Take me, young man, Take me!”

He yelled, “April Fool” and that’s when I shot the Son of a Bitch
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Questions For Retirees
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 SundayQuestion: When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call exercise, concentration and work?
Answer: Golf.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answers: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What’s a Retirees idea of a perfect retirement?
Answer: When the wife still brings in a paycheck!

Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Share this one with all the retirees that you know. I’m sure they can relate, AND
… if you have not yet retired, look what you have to look forward to!!!

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The Longer You've Been Married, The Funnier This Becomes!
An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
“For god’s sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!”
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When I'm An Old Lady...
When I’m an old lady, I’ll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness…just as they did.I want to pay back all the joy they’ve provided.
Returning each deed! Oh, they’ll be so excited!I’ll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
And I’ll bounce on the furniture…wearing my shoes.

I’ll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I’ll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they’ll shout!

When they’re on the phone and just out of reach,
I’ll get into things like sugar and bleach.

Oh, they’ll snap their fingers
And then shake their head,

When they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I’ll not eat my green beans or salad or meat,

I’ll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry…I’ll run…if I’m able!

I’ll sit close to the TV, through the channels I’ll click,
I’ll cross both eyes just to see if they stick.

I’ll take off my socks and throw one away,
And play in the mud ’til the end of the day!

And later in bed, I’ll lay back and sigh,
I’ll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.

My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan, “She’s so sweet when she’s sleeping!”

God Bless All Moms and Grandmas Everywhere! Revenge awaits…………………
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Aging With A Smile
• Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first.
• My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
• Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
• I’ve still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
• I’m getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
• It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
• I think I’ve reached my sexpiration date.
• People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable or that dish thing.
• These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, “For fast relief.”
• I’ve tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven’t made one called “Buns of Putty.”
• Don’t think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
• Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up.
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Robert, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door and it’s Robert. Again he is ready for more ‘action’.

Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 year old, ready for more ‘action’. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, ‘I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.’

Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: ‘You mean I was here already?’

The moral of the story:
Don’t be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer’s has its advantages.
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You Know You're Over The Hill When...
• All your measurements are now small, medium and large… in that order
• Instead of “Happy Birthday” people sing “Kumbaya” due to the candle fire
• You start video taping daytime game shows
• When dining out, you complain that the gelatin is too tough
• Your new easy chair has more options than your car
• During the “Hokey Pokey”, you put your left hip out — and it stays out
• One of the throw pillows on your couch is a heating pad
• Conversations with people your own age often turn into “dueling ailments”
• It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump
• You’re on a TV game show; you decide to risk it all & go for the lounger
• You get out of breath walking down a flight of stairs
• You look both ways before crossing a room
• Your social security number only has three digits
• You hear your mouth making promises your body can’t keep
• The waiter asks how you’d like your steak, and you say “pureed”
• Your back goes out more often than you do
• Hospital food starts tasting good
• Your childhood toys are now in a museum
• All of your favorite movies have been re-done in color
• You have more hair in your ears and nose than your head
• Your three favorite pastimes involve sleep
• Medicare informs you that you’re too old for their coverage
• You can’t be tried by a jury of your peers — there aren’t enough
• A passing funeral procession stops to see if you need a lift
• Watching paint dry now holds a certain fascination
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Golden Oldies Re-Released
Especially for all Baby Boomers, many of the most popular Golden Oldies have been re-released. The following collection of favorites can be found on a new album called ‘Baby Boomers Turn Gray: Re-heated Oldies’:Roberta Flack – “The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face”
The Temptations – “Papa Got a Kidney Stone”
Nancy Sinatra – “These Boots Are Made For Bunions”
Carly Simon – “You’re So Varicose Vein”
The Bee Gees – “How Can You Mend a Broken Hip”
Paul Simon – “Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver”
Johnny Nash – “I Can’t See Clearly Now”
The Beetles – “I Get By with a Little Help From Depends”
Marvin Gaye – “I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts”
Herman’s Hermits – “Mrs. Brown You’ve Got a Lovely Walker”
Leo Sayer – “You Make Me Feel Like Napping”
ABBA – “Denture Queen”
Commodores – “Once, Twice, Three Times My Back’s Out”
Steely Dan – “Rikki Don’t Lose That Clapper”
Procol Harum – “A Whiter Shade of Hair”
Creedence Clearwater Revival – “Bad Prune Rising”
The Who – “Talkin’ ‘Bout My Medication”
The Troggs – “Bald Thing”
Credence Clearwater Revival: “Bad Prune Rising”
The Rolling Stones: “You Can’t Always Pee When You Want”
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Should I Really Join Facebook?
Read it all the way through! It’s a good laugh! AND really quite true!!
A good laugh for people in the over 60 group!!!
When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, “Re-calc-u-lating.” You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship…

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven’t figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden “Paper or Plastic?” every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, “Paper or plastic?” I just say, “Doesn’t matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.” Then it’s their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot.”

We senior citizens don’t need anymore gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.
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You Know You're Getting Older When...
Can you tell I grew up in the sixties? No Dan, you burnt out freak, we’d never know. We were the generation that was going to change the world. Change the world? We can’t even change the clock on our VCRs.You know you’re getting older when… you look in the mirror, see your father and you think, “You know, the old man didn’t look so bad!”

You know you’re getting older when… you’re listening to country music and relating to it.

You know you’re getting older when… you’re having sex with someone half your age and it’s legal.

You know you’re getting older when… you’re having long and serious discussions about fiber and the word regular takes on a whole new meaning.

You know you’re getting older when… you realize the term joint custody is not about who’s holding the drugs.

You know you’re getting older when you’re not listening to classical music because you like the music, but because you know it’ll be twenty minutes before there’s another commercial and it won’t be for light beer.

I try to listen to classical music but I feel so stupid so when I do. Why do they tell you more than you need to know? “That was Ludwig… Von… Beethoven’s Sonata #7 in C minor… you insignificant little twit!”
Why do they tell you what key it’s in? Did Beethoven write more than one Sonata #7? Was there one in C minor, one in D minor, one in E minor? I’m just listening to it, I don’t care! You figure it out, Maestro!
“So, how was the concert last night?”
“Really sucked man, they played the Sonata #7 in F minor.”
“No wonder man, they were supposed to play in C minor!”

How would it be if modern music was announced in that style? “That was Edward… Van… Halen… performing on lead stratocaster guitar playing JUMP… in A major… you ignorant little speed metal freak!”

Pete Townsend, to me one of the most macho of rock guitarists, announces in an interview that he thinks he’s a woman trapped in a man’s body. You know Pete, you should’ve died before you got old. Because now when I hear, “Tommy, Can You Feel Me?” I shudder.

They really don’t make rock stars like they used to. Prince has changed his name to a symbol. How do you pronounce it? He’s the only rock star who’s got his own font! “The artist formerly known as Prince, now known as a pompous ass too highly evolved to use a name we can pronounce!”
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A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. “Mind if I have a few” he asks.” No, not at all” the woman replied.They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.

“I’m terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few.”

“Oh that’s all right” the woman says. “Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.”
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Sure Ways To Tell You're Aging
When you go to the Ocean, you don’t swim
You take a metal detectorYou hate to nap on the couch anymore
Your wife keeps calling 911 thinking you’ve had a strokeAt your last visit to your Doctor’s
You hummed along with the elevator music

He’s what every woman wants – strong, thoughtful sensitive and caring –
Now with his pacemaker, he’s battery operated too

I’m gradually getting my body back into shape –
At least twice a week I think about doing some exercise

The qualities that attracted a man and a woman to each other –
are the same ones they can’t stand twenty years later

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work–
I want to achieve immortality through not dying” (Woody Allen)

Men! Listen to me. Retire as soon as you possibly can –
Nothing’s worse than being peerless in a peer-review system

You realize about all you know about yuppies is
they’re younger than you and you’re pretty sure they aren’t hippies.
Golden Age is when the Grandkids are too old to need baby-sitters
And too young to date or borrow money
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You Know You Are No Longer Cool When...
• You find yourself listening to talk radio.
• You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
• The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
• You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
• You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.
• You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
• You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
• You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
• When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
• When jogging is something you do to your memory.
• Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
• All the cars behind you flash their headlights.
• You remember the “Rolling Stones” as a rock group not a corporation.
• You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son’s new running shoes.
• You actually ASK for your father’s advice.
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How Do You Take It
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally, they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. “How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather trustingly. “Well,” she says, responding carefully, “I’d have to say I would like it infrequently.” The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, “Was that one word or two?”
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Super Granny!
An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, “I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car you scumbags!”The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver’s seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5′ tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.
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Where To Retire!
As we all know, when we hit retirement age we come face to face with the fact that it may be time to relocate? The big question is, where? Here are some tips:You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where…..
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. :-)
2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel.
3. You’ve experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
6. “Dress Code” is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads.
7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
10. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.You can live in California where…
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You can live in New York City where…
1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is “nature,”
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You’ve worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can live in Maine where…
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can live in the Deep South where…
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2.”y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, “You ain’t from ’round here, are Ya?”
4. “He needed killin’” is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

You can live in Colorado where…
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where…
1. You’ve never meet any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at?”
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, “It was different!”

AND, You can live in Florida where…
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people
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Alzheimer’s Test
How fast can you guess these words?1. F_ _K

2. PU_S_

3. S_X

4. P_N_S

5. BOO_S

6. _ _NDOM




3. SIX




You got all 6 wrong….didn’t you?

You dirty little ____ER
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If you are planning retirement, let me share retirement experiences with you, which I hope will be helpful.
Fifteen years ago my wife and I moved into a retirement development on Florida’s Southeast coast – The Delray/Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-A-Hatchee. There are 3000 lakes in Florida; only three are real.

Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to do all day? Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem. Your days will be eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of your car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where you parked takes 20 minutes. It takes 1/2 hour on the check-out line in Wal-Mart and one hour to return the item the next day.

Let me take you through a typical day. We get up at 5:00 AM, have a quick breakfast and join the early morning ‘Walk and Talk Club.’ There are about 30 of us, and rain or shine we walk around the streets, all talking at once. Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6 AM. After a nimble walk avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity.

My wife goes directly to the pool for her underwater Pilate’s class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR. I put on my, ‘Ask me about my Grandchildren’ T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my black socks and sandals and go to the clubhouse lobby for a nice nap.

Before you know it, it’s time for lunch. We go to Cosco’s to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hairnets. All free! After a filling lunch, if we don’t have any doctor appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.00.

We’re usually back home by 2 PM to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for the early bird about 3 PM, but we get there by 3:45 PM, because we’re late eaters. The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. You can take home enough food for the next day’s lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and Sweet-and-Low along with mints.

At 5:30 PM we’re home ready to watch the 6 o’clock news. By 6:30 PM we’re fast asleep. Then we get up and make 5 or 6 trips to the bathroom during the night, and it’s time to get up and start a new day all over again.

Doctor related activities eat up most of your retirement time. I enjoy reading old magazines in sub-zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don’t mind. Calling for test results also helps the days fly by. It takes at least half an hour just getting through the doctor’s phone menu. Then there’s the hold time until you’re connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget you’re holding, and the whole office goes off to lunch.

Should you find you still have time on your hands, volunteering provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate. Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet tall and they need our help. I myself am a volunteer for ‘The Vertically Challenged Over 80.’ I coach their basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers.

The hoop is only 4.5 feet from the floor.
You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam dunk.

Food shopping is a problem for short seniors or ‘bottom feeders’ as we call them, because they can’t reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods they’ve never tasted. After shopping, most seniors can’t remember where they parked their cars and wander the parking lot for hours while their food defrosts.

Lastly, it’s important to choose a development with an impressive name. Italian names are very popular in Florida. They convey world traveler, uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live? Murray’s Condos or The Lakes Of Venice? There’s no difference. They’re both owned by Murray, who happens to be a cheapskate.

I hope this material has been of help to you future retirees. If I can be of any further assistance, please look me up when you’re in Florida. I live in The Leaning Condos of Pisa on Boynton Beach.
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The Spoiled Under-30 Crowd!!!
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears. With their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning…Uphill…BOTH ways

Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!
But now that I’m over the ripe old age of thirty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don’t know how good you’ve got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!! There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3′s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ’d usually talk over the beginning and f@#$ed it all up!

We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that’s it!

And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn’t have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘asteroids’. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen, forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn’t see, you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no on screen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. Do you hear what I’m saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn’t have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire! Imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.

That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy.
You’re spoiled. You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

The over 30 Crowd
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The Senility Prayer
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I’m ‘older’ (but refuse to grow up), here’s what I’ve discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…
5. If all is not lost, where is it?
6. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
7. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.
8. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
9. It’s not hard to meet expenses… they’re everywhere.
10. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter…
I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m hereafter
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You Know You're Middle Aged If...
You’ve come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.

The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car—in the “ten items or less” lane.

You’ve stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.

You’ve found yourself discussing rain gutters.

You remember your kid’s names, just not always the right one.

You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.

Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold.

You buy “age-defying” makeup and “anti-wrinkle” creams and believe they work.

You’ve realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.

You recognize Led Zeppelin songs that have been turned into elevator Muzak.

As a public service, you have agreed to never appear on the beach in a Speedo again.

You’ve had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic—“for the last time in a generation”

You’d pay good money to be strip-searched.

Wal-Mart and Target seem to share your fashion sense.

The only way you know to stop a virtual pet from beeping involves the patio and a sledgehammer.

You can pack two suits, five shirts, five ties, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, and half of your bathroom into a carry-on bag—in less than five minutes.

You know what Earth Shoes are.

You think if you hear “Stairway to Heaven” one more time your head will explode.

Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely.

On Saturday night, when your wife mentions “hot oil, a little friction, and squealing,” you tell her you’ll have the car looked at first thing Monday morning.
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If I Lean A Little, Let Me!
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said…..
‘Hi, Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?’
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew……

“Bastards won’t let me fart!”.
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Tip Top Shape
A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, “You’re in terrific shape. There’s nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?”

The 60-year-old responded, “Did I say he was dead?”

The doctor was surprised and asked, “How old is he and is he very active?”

The 60-year-old responded, “Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer.”

The doctor couldn’t believe it. So, he asked, “Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?”

The 60-year-old responded again, “Did I say he was dead?”

The doctor was astonished. He said, “You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?”

The 60-year-old said, “He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that,” said the patient, “my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again.”

The doctor said, “At 106-years, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?”

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, “Did I say he wanted to?”
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Are You Over The Hill?
You may be headed that way if . . .
• At the breakfast table, you hear snap, crackle, pop and you’re not eating cereal.
• Your back goes out but you stay home.
• You wake up looking like your driver’s license photo.
• It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
• When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
• When happy hour is a nap.
• When you’re on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
• When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
• When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
• When you step off the curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
• Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
• It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
• Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
• Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
• You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
• The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
• Getting “lucky” means you found your car in the parking lot.
• The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
• It takes twice as long – to looks half as good.
• Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.
• You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
• You sink your teeth into a steak…and they stay there.
• You give up all your bad habits and still don’t feel good.
• You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don’t care anymore.
• You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
• You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.
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Little Old Lady
The next time you see a little old lady with shaky hands, you’ll remember this story:
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: ‘Dddoo youu hhhave ddiilldos?’

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: ‘Yes we do have dildos.
Actually we carry many different models.’

The old woman then asks: ‘Dddddoo yyyouu ccaarry a pppinkk onne, tttenn inchessss llong aand aabbout twoo inchess ththiick…aaand rruns by bbaatteries?

The clerk responds, ‘Yes we do.’

She asks: ‘Dddoo yyoooouu kknnoooww hhhow ttoo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff?
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What Do Retired People Do All Day?
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a police officer writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, “Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?” He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him something worse.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I don’t care. I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I’m retired. It’s important at my age.
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Love Story
Confession is good for the soul, so they say.
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know.
In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected.
Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?’”

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that

You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“All right,” Martha said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”
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Learn From Your Elders
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.
So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don’;t know the answer, you pay me only $5.
Then you ask me one, and if I don’;t know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

This catches the senior’;s attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. ‘;What’;s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?’;

The senior doesn’;t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it’;s the senior’;s turn. He asks the lawyer, ‘;What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’;

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.
After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.
He wakes the senior up and asks, ‘;Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?’;

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
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1978 vs 2010
This should be read only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it…
1978: Long hair
2010: Longing for hair

1978: KEG
2010: EKG

1978: Acid rock
2010: Acid reflux

1978: Moving to California because it’s cool
2010: Moving to Arizona because it’s warm

1978: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2010: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1978: Seeds and stems
2010: Roughage

1978: Hoping for a BMW
2010: Hoping for a BM

1978: Going to a new, hip joint
2010: Receiving a new hip joint

1978: Rolling Stones
2010: Kidney Stones

1978: Screw the system
2010: Upgrade the system

1978: Disco
2010: Costco

1978: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2010: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1978: Passing the drivers’ test
2010: Passing the vision test

1978: Whatever
2010: Depends

Just in case you weren’t feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year’s incoming freshmen. Here’s this year’s list:

The people who were starting college in the fall of 2010 across the nation were born in 1992.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced 2 years before they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control..
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
Theynever took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
They don’t have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet?
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Nudist Camp Membership
A man joins a very exclusive Florida nudist camp. On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, ‘Did you call for me?’

The man replies, ‘No, what do you mean?’

She says, ‘You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.’

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony’s facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts…..

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, ‘Did you call for me?’ says the hairy man.

‘No, what do you mean?’ says the newcomer.

‘You must be new,’ says the hairy man, ‘it’s a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.’ The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the camp office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, ‘May I help you?’ she says.

The man yells, ‘Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.’

‘But, Sir,’ she replies, ‘you’ve only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had the chance to see all our facilities.’

The man replies, ‘Listen lady, I’m 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!’
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I Met An Older Woman...
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double? ‘What’s that? I asked. ‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, ‘No, I haven’t.’ We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, ‘tonight’s you’re lucky night.’ We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

‘Mom…you still awake?’
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Retirement Options
You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where…
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You’ve experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
You can retire to California where…
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
You can retire to New York City where…
1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ….
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is “nature.”
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You’ve worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can retire to Minnesota where…
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6. The highest level of criticism is “He is different, she is different or It was different!
You can retire to The Deep South where…
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everywhere is either “in yonder,” “over yonder” or “out yonder”.
You can retire to Colorado where…
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can retire to the Nebraska where…
1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at.
FINALLY You can retire to Florida where…
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
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