Thanksgiving Dinner – SNL (1979)
Grandma’s House Rules For Thanksgiving
1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.
2. The “no cans for kids” rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child’s cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I’ll be paying close attention to refills.
3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy’s house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You’ve never been a good cook and you shouldn’t bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.
4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That’s nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn’t change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That’s why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy… look at me. I’ve outlived almost everyone I know.
6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.
8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.
9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don’t put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I’ll watch my things.
10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?
11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don’t need to bring anything means you don’t need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn’t have to be difficult.
12. Domino’s and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it’s true now that you have kids.
13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.
In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.
I really mean all of the above.
Love You, Grandma.
Catnaps At Thanksgiving
When the time came to serve Thanksgiving dinner, I mashed the potatoes and spooned them into a beautiful serving bowl. I turned away to get a carving knife for the turkey, and when I glanced back at the bowl of mashed potatoes, I was horrified to see Pepper the cat had decided it was the right place for a nap! Speechlessly I tugged on my wife’s shirt and nodded toward the bowl. Her eyes widened in disbelief, but we composed ourselves, shooed Pepper out of the bowl and scraped off the top layer of potatoes.
How To Cook A Turkey
Step 1. Buy a turkey
Step 2. Have a glass of wine
Step 3. Stuff turkey
Step 4. Have a glass of wine
Step 5. Put turkey in oven
Step 6. Relax and have a glass of wine
Step 7. Turk the bastey
Step 8. Wine of glass another get
Step 9. Hunt for meat thermometer
step 10. Glass yourself another pour of wine
Step 11. Bake the wine for 4 hours
Step 12. Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 13. Tet the sable
Step 14. Grab another wottle of bine
step 15. Turk the carvey!
Men Think Women Dress For Them
Dude please, we dress according to our waxing schedules, periods, mood swings, location, season, matching shoes, matching bags, matching lipstick, and availability of suitable underwear.
You’re not even on that list, so chill.
Silver Linings To The Burning Question You Burnt The Bird?
• Salmonella won’t be a concern
• No one will overeat.
• Everyone will think it’s Cajun Blackened.
• Uninvited guests will think twice next year.
• Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newly found appreciation.
• Pets won’t pester you for scraps.
• The smoke alarm was due for a test.
• Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.
• After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.
• The less turkey Uncle George eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.
• You’ll get to the desserts quicker.
• You won’t have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.
Sounds Funny, But Just Because It Wasn’t My Oven
I thought it would be a funny prank to put a rubber chicken in the oven on Thanksgiving. My mom would
laugh and laugh. Ho ho ho, there’s a rubber chicken in the oven, what a gag.
13 year old me didn’t realize that normal adults usually preheat the oven before putting the turkey in.
Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving But Aren’t
“Talk about a huge breast!”
“Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.”
“It’s Cool Whip time!”
“If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!”
“Whew, that’s one terrific spread!”
“I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.”
“Are you ready for seconds yet?”
“It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?”
“Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!”
“Don’t play with your meat.”
“Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.”
“Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?”
“I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!”
“You still have a little bit on your chin.”
“Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it.”
“How long will it take after you stick it in?”
“You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.”
“Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all of that!”
“How many are coming?”
“That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen!”
“Just lay back & take it easy…I’ll do the rest.”
“How long do I beat it before it’s ready?”
Thanksgiving Dinner Poem
The Turkey popped out of the oven
and rocketed in to the air;
It knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
It ricocheted into a corner
and burst with a deafening boom,
Then splattered all over the kitchen,
completely obscuring the room.
It stuck to the walls and the windows,
it totally coated the floor,
There was turkey attached to the ceiling,
where there had never been turkey before..
It blanketed every appliance,
it smeared every saucer and bowl;
There wasn’t a way I could stop it;
that turkey was out of control.
I scraped and I scraped with displeasure
and thought with chagrin as I mopped,
That I would never again stuff a turkey
with popcorn that hadn’t been popped.
Things You Can Only Get Away With Saying At Thanksgiving
1. I’m stuffed, I’ve been sucking on nuts all day.
2. You still have a bit dribbling down your chin.
3. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist
4. Smother that juice all over the breasts
5. It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
6. You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.
7. If I don’t undo this zip I’ll burst
8. I didn’t expect everyone to come at the same time
9. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it can go.
10. Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?
That One Was Just Too Easy
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”