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And I Always Thought The Church Didn’t Have A Sense Of Humor
Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
• For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
• Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
• Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing “Put me in my little bed” accompanied by the pastor.
• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreword and lay an egg on the alter.
• The service will close with “Little Drops of Water.” One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
• Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreword and do so.
• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
A new supermarket opened in Hudson, Florida.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks.
In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped brew.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.
I don’t buy toilet paper there anymore.
25 Fun Pool Activities
1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won’t come down until your demands are met.
2) Tell the lifeguards that they aren’t doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people kind of almost drown today.
3) Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.
4) Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.
5) Take a flutter board and pretend you can’t swim.
6) Hit strangers with your flutter board.
7) Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you.
8) Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, “Oh yeah. oooh that feels soooo good..”
9) Sit on the top of the water slide and don’t move.
10) Swim near someone and go “Shoot! I knew I shouldn’t have had so much lemonade before I came here.”
11) Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.
12) Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say “HA HA, fooled you!”
13) Scream as someone is jumping off of a diving board.
14) Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.
15) Tell people you saw the lifeguard peeing in the pool.
16) Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.
17) Try to negotiate the price of getting in.
18) Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.
19) When in line, ask strangers if they think invisible people get a discount.
20) Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say “Wheee! I’m Batman!” while running around.
21) Hit strangers with your wet towel.
22) Throw people’s things into the pool.
23) Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grand-finale.
24) Play Marco-Polo by yourself.
25) Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.
1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. “We’ll have to talk” you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.
2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their fingertips pressed together. When you talk to them, they keep staring out of the windows.
3) MANAGING BY POST-ITS® Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their ‘busy’ness by continuously writing on Post-Its® while you are talking.
4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY These managers just delegate everything to the secretary.
5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING These managers don’t really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with irrelevant anecdotes.
6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them. They will always have something to talk about.
7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all.
8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they have more work to do.
9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.
10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your career anymore.
More Mommy Mommy
If you’ve never heard of mommy mommy jokes they are rude crude lude and simply disgusting so continue reading at your own risk.
Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa’s going out!
Well throw some more gasoline on him then.
Mommy, Mommy! I don’t want to go to Australia.
Shut up son and keep swimming.
Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?
Shut up son, you’ll wake your father.
Mommy, Mommy! I keep running in circles.
Shut up or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor.
Mommy, Mommy! Why’s everybody running?
Shut up and reload.
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn’t eat?
Shut up and eat your meat loaf.
Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?
Shut up, we haven’t even finished your Grandmother yet.
Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sister’s guts.
Shut up and eat what’s put in front of you.
Mommy, Mommy! What is a delinquent child?
Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.
Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?
Shut up and get back in the oven.
Mommy, Mommy! What do you want with that ax?
Monthly Work Evaluation
Name: _______________________________ Date: __________
__ Really knows what he’s doing.
__ Knows just enough to be dangerous.
__ Only half a brain and is dangerous.
__ His coffee cup has a higher I.Q.
__ Does excellent work is not preoccupied.
__ Pretty good accuracy with large numbers.
__ Must take off shoes to count above ten.
__ What’s a number?
__ Extremely co-operative.
__ Brown noser in good standing.
__ Often annoys co-workers and fights.
__ Doesn’t care, never did, never
__ Works so hard he gets extra days off.
__ Very dependable.
__ Rely on his being first one out the door.
__ Absolutely totally worthless.
__ Extremely neat and clean.
__ Looks great on his day off.
__ Flies take him over fresh manure.
__ Dirt, filthy, smelly, and ugly.
__ Works hard if money is involved.
__ Does great work–at evaluation time.
__ Works well after ten cups of coffee.
__ Couldn’t do less if he were in a coma.
__ Carries chainsaw and gets good results.
__ Macho attitude. Commands total disgust.
__ One time someone listened to him whine.
__ Unable to lead even the most ignorant.
I understand that I have been counseled and understand my rights under the privacy act of 1974. I further acknowledge that I am as stupid as a football bat, and I will make some attempt to correct my deficiencies.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
1. You’re an expert on worm beds.
2. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
3. Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!”
4. The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
5. You haul more than U-Haul.
6. Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, “The feud is back on!”
7. There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
8. Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
9. Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
10. Your wife’s hairdo attracts bees.
11. Your baby’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers.”
12. The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
13. Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
14. You pick your teeth from a catalog.
15. You’ve ever financed a tattoo.
16. You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the “day my ship came in.”
17. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
18. Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
19. You’ve ever barbecued Spam.
20. You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
More Real Classified Ads
These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.
FROZEN SOFT & GENTLE BATH TISSUE – 4 ROLLS 99 CENTS – If it’s frozen how can it be soft and gentle.
AMERICAN FLAG – 60 STARS – POLE INCLUDED – $100 – What do you expect, it was made it America.
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 – $9 PER HOUR. – If your dumb enough to work for this much money then we figure you can’t count.
THE MOST ROMANTIC LOVE SONGS OF THE ’50s: INCLUDING “16 TONS” BY TENNESSEE ERNIE FORD – I can’t tell you how many weddings I’ve been to where they’ve played that song.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRING – $175. – That’s one piece of exercise equipment you should never stop using.
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB – AND IT’S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER. – Now that’s just racist!
JOINING NUDIST COLONY, MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER – $300. – To hell with the sale, I want to join too!
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG…LOOKS LIKE A RAT…BEEN OUT AWHILE… BETTER BE A REWARD. – Bad news, it really is a rat!
NOTICE: TO PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VINCINITY ARE DEAD. – If their dumb enough to fall for this they probably can’t read.
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY. – Just partially guilty.
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb. – That’s pretty cheap for a beast.
OPEN HOUSE – BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON – FREE COFFEE & DONUTS – There only free because they didn’t think anyone would want them.
FREE PUPPIES…PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART DOG – Because we don’t know! That German Sheppard’s a slut, it could have been any dog in the neighborhood.
CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE, 2 CENTS OR BEST OFFER – Pay me the two cents and it’s a deal.
20 Things That Never Happen In Star Trek
1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.
2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly alright.
3. Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly.
4. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new life form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form wearing a funny hat.
5. The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay.
6. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without a serious incident.
8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with the Enterprise’s computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweets.
12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called “Paradise” where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems.
13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone’s satisfaction.
14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.
15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn’t tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
16. Counselor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.
19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
20. Nothing unexpected happens on an away mission.
Initial Response To The Declaration Of Independence
The Court of King George III
July 10, 1776
Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Dear Mr. Jefferson:
We have read your “Declaration of Independence” with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:
In your opening paragraph you use the phrase “the Laws of Nature and Nature’s God.” What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.
In the same paragraph you refer to the “opinions of mankind.” Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the “opinions of mankind” are a matter of opinion.
You hold certain truths to be “self-evident.” Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.
“Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that “among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years,” these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.
You state that “Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government…” Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?
Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.
Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies “ought to be Free and Independent States,” and that they are “Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown.” Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?
Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.
You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne’s War.
What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.
Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.
We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your “Declaration of Independence.” We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.
Management Analyst to the British Crown
No wonder they lost their empire.