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Politically-Challenged: Texas Tech Edition
Does any of this sound somewhat familiar?
1 Star Hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.
2 Star Hangover **
Slight headache. Don’t feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanor about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 Star Hangover ***
Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a liter of coke watching Good Morning America. You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a liter of diet coke – yet you haven’t peed once.
4 Star Hangover ****
Your head is throbbing and you can’t speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein
and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of West side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
5 Star Hangover (aka Dante’s 4th Circle of Hell) *****
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can’t focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen Rancid vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You’d cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn’t even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe….very gently.
“Cold” is a relative term. Use the handy list below to overcome the confusion.
65 Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night
60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
50 Miami residents turn on the heat
45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
40 You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming
35 Italian cars don’t start
32 Water freezes
30 You plan your vacation to Australia
25 Ohio water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming
20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further South
15 French cars don’t start, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 American cars don’t start
0 Alaskans put on T-shirts
-10 German cars don’t start, Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, Politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don’t start
-25 Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don’t start
-40 Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweaters, Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80 Hell freezes over, Polar bears move South, Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets
More Ways To Be Annoying
1. Practice making fax and modem noises.
2. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc:” them to your boss.
3. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
4. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to
avoid the appearance of ignorance.
5. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a “spider person.”
6. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”
7. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
8. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.
9. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
10. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
11. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
12. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
13. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
14. Drum on every available surface.
15. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
16. Ask 1-00 operators for dates.
17. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
18. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
19. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
20. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
21. Set alarms for random times.
22. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet Mignon.
23. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
24. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.
25. Honk and wave to strangers.
Tips from Wyatt Earp
It’s the 1880′s, wild west, Dodge City, Kansas, Saw Dust Saloon.
A young gunslinger walks into the bar, looks over, and there’s Wyatt Earp sitting there, playing cards. The gunslinger saunters over to the table and says, “Mr. Earp, I really admire you, and I just wanted you to know that I plan on being the best gunslinger the west has ever seen, and I was wondering if you had any tips for me.”
Well, Wyatt leans his chair back and says, “I don’t normally give out tips in this business, as it could be hazardous to my health, but let me look at ya.”
The boy steps back, and Wyatt carefully overlooks him.
He nods, and says, “Why yes, I reckon you’re a gunslinger alright. Got the leather pants, the waxed holsters, the ivory handled guns… You look nice… But can ye shoot?”
The boy draws a gun, fires, and clips off the right cuff-link off the piano player.
Wyatt nods, and asks, “What about yer left hand?” Before Earp even finished his sentence, the boy had drawn his left gun, fired, and shot off the left cufflink.
Wyatt nods, and says, “Why I reckon that’s pretty good shootin’, and yes, I do have a tip for ya. Go back there in that kitchen and get the cook to give you a big bucket of lard. Take your guns and dip them way down into the lard. Make sure you get the handles and everything. That’s my tip.”
The boy looks at him, confused, and says, “Well, why on Earth would I do that?”
Wyatt lowers his seat back to the table and looks at his cards and says, “‘Cause as soon as Doc Holiday over there finishes playing the piano, he’s gonna come over here, take those two guns of yours and stick em….”
The boy didn’t even stay around for the rest of the tip.
Things I Learned From My Children
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20-foot room.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh,” it’s already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak – it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
Super glue is forever.
McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know.
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jello.
VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
The fire department has at least a 5-minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
It will however make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Useless (but fun) Facts
1. In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes when you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. That’s where the phrase, “goodnight, sleep tight” came from.
2. The sentence “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.” uses every letter in the alphabet. (developed by Western Union to test telex/twx communications)
3. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
4. When opossums are playing ‘possum, they are not “playing.” They actually pass out from sheer terror.
5. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
6. The term “the whole 9 yards” came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got “the whole 9 yards.”
7. The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
8. An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
9. The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the “General Purpose” vehicle, G.P.
10. The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
11. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
12. No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Super Bowl.
13. The first toilet ever seen on television was on “Leave It To Beaver.”
14. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
15. In Cleveland, Ohio, it’s illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.
16. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year’s supply of footballs.
17. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
18. There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald’s Big Mac bun.
19. The world’s termites outweigh the world’s humans 10 to 1.
20. The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
21. When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year.
22. Ten percent of the Russian government’s income comes from the sale of vodka.
23. On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
24. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world’s nuclear weapons combined.
25. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the “honey month” or what we know today as the “honeymoon.”
26. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It’s where we get the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s.”
27. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. “Wet your whistle,” is the phrase inspired by this practice.
NEW OFFICE POLICY
EFFECTIVE JANUARY 1, 2015
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the ‘Chronic Offenders’ category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.
1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with ‘Good Evening,’ then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay checks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.”
13. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
21. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
Stupid Product Labels
1. On a blanket from Taiwan
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO
ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE
PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE
INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.
12. On a bar of Dial soap
DIRECTIONS – USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
13. On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert
(printed on bottom of the box)
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
15. On a Korean kitchen knife
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
17. On a Japanese food processor
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
18. On Sainsbury’s peanuts
WARNING – CONTAINS NUTS.
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS – OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
20. On a Swedish chainsaw
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
21. On a child’s superman costume
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
22. On some frozen dinners
SERVING SUGGESTION – DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot’s “Children’s” cough medicine
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
26. On Nytol sleep aid
WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
The Refined Humor Of Stephen Wright:
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead”?
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
When I erase a word with a pencil where does it go?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?