Market Forces – Fry and Laurie
Thomas The Tank Engine & Friends – Fast Forward
Being In Your 50’s Is Confusing…
On paper, I’m 56.
In my head, I’m 37.
At a concert, I’m 25.
After 9pm, I’m 87.
Getting up off the floor, I’m 104.
When someone pisses me off, I’m 14.
But when an 80s song comes on…
I’m 17 drunk in-a field, and my mother thinks I’m at a sleepover.
A Doctor Lacking Empathy
A woman has a serious accident and ends up in the hospital undergoing surgery.
Her husband waits in the waiting room, distraught, when several hours later the surgeon exits the operating room and approaches him.
‘”Good news: the procedure was successful.But the road to recovery will be tough. She’ll need intensive rehab for years, setting you back about $3,000 a month.’
The husband starts to get worried.
‘Then, she’ll likely need more surgeries in the future. There might be follow-up surgeries, which insurance won’t cover. That’s another potential $105,000 to $200,000.
The man starts to break into a cold sweat. ‘And in reality, she’ll need a high-quality wheelchair and a suitable vehicle for transporting the disabled, but with $35,000, you should manage.’
The husband, deeply concerned about the money, looks desperate.
The surgeon offers a comforting hand and says, ‘Don’t worry dude, I was just kidding.’
‘She’s dead!’
Anecdotes By Famous People
One day while Groucho Marx was working in his garden (dressed in well-worn gardening attire), a wealthy woman pulled up in a Cadillac and endeavored to persuade the “gardener” to come and work for her. “How much does the lady of the house pay you?” she asked.
“Oh, I don’t get paid in dollars.” Groucho replied, glancing up. “The lady of the house just a lets me sleep with her.”
Marx, Groucho [Julius]; US comedian, member of the Marx Brothers
Oliver Herford was traveling on a crowded trolley one day with his young nephew seated on his lap. Indeed, so crowded was the car that when an attractive blonde woman later embarked, she was obliged to stand.
Herford, admiring the fine-featured woman, turned to his nephew: “My boy,” he asked, “why don’t you get up and give the lady your seat?”
Herford, Oliver; US humorist, illustrator, and writer.
In his capacity as a comedian on “You Bet Your Life” Groucho Marx interviewed many of the show’s participants. He once met a certain Mrs. Story, who claimed to have given birth to twenty-two children.
“I love my husband.” Mrs. Story said by way of explanation.
“I like my cigar, too,” Groucho replied, “but I take it out once in a while!”
Marx, Groucho [Julius]; US comedian, member of the Marx Brothers
While working as an impecunious young reporter in Virginia City, Mark Twain was walking down the street one day, a cigar box tucked under his arm, when he encountered a wealthy matron of his acquaintance. “You promised me,” she said reproachfully, “that you would give up smoking.”
“Madam,” Twain replied, “this box does not contain cigars. I’m just moving.”
Twain, Mark [Samuel Langhorne Clemens]; US humorist, writer & lecturer.
Taft once found himself stranded at a small country railway station. Informed that the express train would stop only for a large group, Taft wired the conductor: “Stop at Hicksville. Large party waiting to catch train.”
When the train stopped, Taft boarded and turned to the confused conductor. “You can go ahead.” he declared. “I am the large party.”
Taft, William Howard; 27th president of the United States. (Incase you don’t know President Taft weighed about 300 pounds.)
Of the Greek Prime Minister Plasteras, Winston Churchill once remarked: “Well, I hope he doesn’t have feet of clay, too.”
Churchill, Sir Winston; British statesman, Prime Minister.
Samuel Goldwyn arrived in his office one morning and found on his desk a copy of The Making of Yesterday: The Diaries of Raoul de Roussy de Sales, 1938-1942, which someone had suggested for possible film adaptation.
Goldwyn examined the volume with astonished glee. “How do you like that!” he exclaimed. “Four years old and the kid keeps a diary!”
Goldwyn, Samuel; Cofounder of Goldwyn Pictures & MGM.
Billy Wilder, visiting Paris for the opening of ‘Some Like It Hot’, was asked by his wife to send back a few things: some Charvet ties for a friend and a bidet for herself.
Some time later, Wilder cabled her from Paris: “Charvet ties on way but impossible to obtain bidet. Suggest handstand in shower.”
Wilder, Billy [Samuel]; US screenwriter and film director.
Lucy Lawless was once asked what Xena (her character on Xena, Warrior Princess) would make of Superman.
“Xena would probably think [he] is a fruit.” she declared.
“She’d distract him with something like, ‘Hey, look at that run in your tights!’ – then stuff him back into his telephone booth.”
Lawless, Lucy; American actress, Xena, Warrior Princess
Stephanie March, perhaps most noted for her role on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, was often asked about legal issues.
“If I could make laws, I would devote my life to bringing the phone company to its knees.” she once declared. “In the time it took them to install a fax line, I could have had several children.”
March, Stephanie; American actress, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Chris Evert Lloyd was renowned for her incredible powers of concentration. During a match at a junior tournament, Chris repeatedly ran into a chair which had inadvertently been left near the back line.
After the match she was asked, “Why didn’t you move the chair back against the fence?”
Replied Miss Lloyd: “What chair?”
Lloyd, Chris[tine] Evert; US tennis player, Wimbledon singles champion
So slim was the outfit chosen by Anna Kournikova for her GQ cover shoot that production artists were obliged to “lend her a little cover.”
“My manager wants me to dress like a nun,” Kournikova declared, “and I want to look like a teenager.”
Kournikova, Anna; Russian tennis player
Plumber Vs. Lawyer
The plumber assesses the situation and says, “I can fix it today for $800.”
The lawyer, surprised, asks, “How long will it take?” The plumber replies, “I’ll need about an hour to get a part from the supply house and another hour to do the repair.”
The lawyer, smirking, says, “Two hours for $800? That’s $400 per hour! I’m a lawyer, and I charge $350 per hour!”
The plumber nods and says, “Yes, I understand. That’s why I left my law practice.”
Creative Insults
“I envy people who haven’t met you yet.”
“You’re the reason shampoo bottles have instructions.”
“My older sister told my dad’s new girlfriend she should be an adult diaper model”
“As an outsider, how do you view intelligent people.”
“You really can’t be underestimated.”
“You Look Like someone who preheats the microwave.”
“I bet you rotate the square in Tetris.”
“Having you on the job is Like losing three good workers.”
“You look Like something I drew with my Left hand.”
“You look Like you enjoy a well-done steak. With ketchup”
“Mouth breather.”
“You couldn’t pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel”
“I can’t believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the fastest.”
Transporting A Coffin
A man is transporting a coffin when his car breaks down.
He pulls over and after messing about with the engine trying to fix it, covering himself in oils and grime, he calls for a mechanic, they tell him they can come in just under an hour to asses the situation.
Dismayed, he also calls his boss to let him know what has happened. His boss informs him that the destination of delivery is simply up the road and asks him to carry the coffin the rest of the way. Upset but recognizing the fact that he has nothing better to do, he picks up the coffin and starts dragging it with him up the road. A police officer sees this and approaches him, asking “what are you doing with that coffin? Where are you going?”.
Already upset with the situation, the man responds, “I didn’t like where they buried me, so I’m moving!”
Kitchen Signs
• So this isn’t Home Sweet Home … Adjust!
• Martha Stewart doesn’t live here!!
• Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
• I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
• If you write in the dust, please don’t date it!
• I would cook dinner but I can’t find the can opener!
• My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
• I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
• If you don’t like my standards of cooking …lower your standards.
• Although you’ll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn’t always
look like this: Some days it’s even worse.
• A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
• A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
• Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
• Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
• Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
• My next house will have no kitchen … just vending machines.
• I’d live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
What’s For Lunch?
An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building.”
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.”
The redneck opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I’m jumping too.”
The next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.
At the funeral The Irishman’s wife is weeping. She says, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again! The Mexican’s wife also weeps and says, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.” Everyone turned and stared at the redneck’s wife. “Hey, don’t look at me” she said. “He makes his own lunch”
More Names By The Person Who Named Walkie-Talkies
Bras: Tittie Mitties
Spoon: Soupie Scoopiess
Thongs: Peekie Cheekies
Socks: Feetie Heaties
Condoms: Weenie Beanies
Light Bulbs: Lightie Brighties
Limos: Roomie Vroomies
Forks: Stabbie Grabbies
Fans: Spinnie Windies
Icebreaker Events: Meetie Greeties
Glue: Stickie Quickie
Nude Magazines: Nookie Bookies
Earbuds: Earsie Hearsies
Rabbits: Jumpie Thumpies
Stamps: Lickie Stickiest
Lightsabers: Lightie Fighties
Screwdrivers: Rightie Tighties
Defibrillators: Heartie Starties
Toilets: Sittie Shitties
Viagra: Phony Bony
Microwaves: Heatie Eaties
Wigs: Hairy Wearies
Pregnancy Tests: Maybe Babies
Heart Attack
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerk called 911 when she saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen.
She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. Do you have health insurance? she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”
The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?”
He replied, “No money in the bank.”
“Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” asked the irritated nun.
He said, “I only have a spinster sister and she is a nun.”
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
We Didn’t Steal Your Weed Mom We Swear
It’s Better To Learn In Front Of Family
You Have To Look On The Bright Side
I’m Guessing The Pool Is Heated
Well That Settles It, Give Me The Healthy One on The Right
Certain Things Shouldn’t Be Over The Counter
They Really Should Have Sold Chips With That
Hey Boss Were Insured, Right?
Knock That King Out 
Something’s Were Better In The Past . . . And The Food Was Better To
