Friday Fun Stuf – 12-1-23

Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In – John Wayne Dressed As A Bunny

Powerless Teacher

Bar Phrases And Translations

“You get this one, next round is on me.”
(We won’t be here long enough to get another round.)

“I’ll get this one, next round is on you.”
(Happy hour is about to end…beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop, sucker.)

“Hey, where is that friend of yours?”
(I have no interest in talking to you, but I want to get your attractive friend in a compromising position.)

“What do you have on tap?”
(What’s cheap?)

“I’ll have a glass of house white.” (Female)
(I’m easy.)

“I’ll have a glass of house white.” (Male)
(I’m gay.)

“I’ll have an amaretto & OJ.” (Female)
(I’m really easy.)

“I’ll have an amaretto & OJ.” (Male)
(I’m really gay.)

“Ever try a body shot?” (Female To Male)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, can you imagine what I’ll do to you in bed?)

“I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (Female)
(You’re paying more attention to your friends than to me.)

“I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (Male)
(I’m horny.)

“Excuse me.” (Male To Male)
(Get the hell out of the way.)

“Excuse me.” (Male To Female)
(I am going to grope you now and blame it on the crowd.)

“Excuse me.” (Female To Male)
(Don’t even think about groping me, just get the hell out of my way.)

“Excuse me.” (Female To Female)
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You’re certainly not all that, missy, coming in here dressed like a hooker…And get your eyes off my man, or I’ll slap you like the “beach” that you are!)

Mum, Are You Ok?

I had a blind date last night, but before it I was worried what to do if she was really unattractive. My friend told me not to worry as there’s an app for just that situation. It’s called ‘Mum Are You Okay’, and it schedules your phone to ring just after you meet your date:

If you like her, you just ignore your phone. If you want to cut short the date, you answer with. “Mum? What’s the matter? Are you okay?”

It works every time, no worries.

So anyway, I knocked on the girl’s door and it turns out I needn’t have worried at all. She was absolutely gorgeous and stunning.

But just when I was about to speak to her, her phone rang. She answered it and said. “Mum? What’s the matter? Are you okay?”

Words That SOUND Naughty But Aren’t

Pussywillow: Plant
Uvula: Fleshy extension at the back of the throat.
Kumquat: Fruit
Manhole
Lucubrate: To study by candlelight.
Shuttlecock: Projectile used in the sport of badminton.
Spotted Dick: The name of an English steamed pudding.
Spatchcock: A way to cut poultry that flattens it.
Dongle: A small piece of computer hardware that connects to a port on another device.
Cockpit
“Daddy” and “Mommy” have been ruined
Petcock: A small shut-off valve used to control the flow of liquid or gas.
Weenus: The excess or loose skin at the joint of the elbow.
Cornhole: A lawn game where you throw beanbags at hole.
Moist
Cockapoo: Dog breed
Gaping
Woodpecker
Caulk

Old Maybe…But Not Senile

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special.’
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.
The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘By check.
I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said ‘Sir…There’s no money in that account.
”I know,’ said the old man…’But let me tell you about my weekend.’

Not All Seniors Are Senile…

Heartless Things To Say In The Ladies Dressing Room

1. That’s a bit expensive just for a dare isn’t it?
2. I saw a dress just like that one in Walmart yesterday.
3. Hey, get out of here you filthy pervert! Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were a man.
4. I had a dress like that. My boyfriend made me throw it away because he said it made me look fat.
5. Pardon me, but I think that will clash terribly with your pimples.
6. Excuse me, but would you stop staring at me? Yes, YOU!
7. Look, if you’re that desperate to attract a man I’ll fix you up myself
8. Excuse me for asking, but you seem to know something I don’t. Is the plain, severe and drab’ look in this season?
9. Size 12? That’s a bit optimistic isn’t it?
10. Hi, I’m from Weightwatchers.
11. I wouldn’t buy that dress if I were you. All it does is accentuate your roots.
12. Excuse me, but since you’re obviously color blind would you like any help?
13. Isn’t it funny how some clothes just accentuate the tummy like that?
14. God, you’re fat. Don’t you care about yourself?
15. I’m sorry, I owe you an apology. I’m the store detective and I followed you in here because I thought you’d stuffed six dresses, four skirts and a raincoat up your jumper but I can see now that it’s really all you.

When It’s Born

Catholic Church: no meat on Fridays
Folks: Ok so no eggs for breakfast
CC: No, eggs are ok
F: But eggs are chicken
CC: Not until they hatch
F: So the thing, isn’t the thing until it’s born?
CC: That’s correct…Um, no wait.

You Know It’s Time To Diet When….

You dance and it makes the band skip.
You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
Your driver’s license says, “Picture continued on other side.”
You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
You could sell shade.
Your blood type is Ragu.

Zero To 200

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new vehicle for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat-up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand-new bathroom scale.

Services will be at Downing Funeral Home on Monday the 12th. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send your donations to the “Think Before You Say Things To Your Wife Foundation,” Dallas, Texas.

Workplace Jargon (a.k.a. MBA BS)

If you don’t know what it is, call it an ‘issue’…
If you don’t know how it works, call it a ‘process’…
If you don’t know whether it’s worth doing, call it an ‘option’…
If you don’t know how it could possibly be done, call it a ‘challenge’ or an ‘exciting opportunity’…
If you want to confuse people, ask them about ‘customers’…
If you want to direct attention away from past mistakes, refer often of ‘going forward’…
If you don’t know how to do something, ‘empower’ someone else to do it for you…
If you can’t make decisions, ‘create space’ for others to operate…
If you need a decision, call a ‘workshop’ to ‘network’ and ‘ground the issue’, followed by an ‘awayday’ to ‘position the elephant in the room’ and achieve ‘buy-in’…
Never criticize or boast, call it ‘information sharing’…
Never call something a failure or mistake, it’s a ‘positive learning experience’…
Never argue, have an ‘adult conversation’…

Try . . . . . . . .

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Good Old Days My Ass!